Dec 24, 2009

Merry Christmas!

I CANNOT believe another Christmas is here. Where did this year go? Christmas time is such a bittersweet time of year for people going through infertility. It's a time of year to be with your loved ones and celebrate the joy that comes from Jesus being born on this earth. Yet, when you're infertile, it's also a time of year that makes you realize it's one more year without your precious baby.

Most of the time, the latter part consumes my life. I can only dwell on what I don't have. I'm not going to say that it didn't happen at all this year, but it wasn't as strong. Obviously I still want our baby, but I'm not going to dwell on it. This year has brought us a step closer to whatever and wherever God is directing us to go.

I am really glad we won't be going to my aunt's this Christmas Eve. I am Polish and we have this tradition of breaking opatek (bread) with each member of the family wishing them the best for the new year. This tends to get QUITE emotional as we make our rounds and I bet you can imagine what EVERYONE's wish for us is. I'm really kinda glad I'll be dodging that this year (Jess and I rotate Christmas Eve and Christmas day with the families!) It's not that I don't want their well wishes, it's just I don't want to be reminded of what I don't have. Because what I do have is something great! I have the support of my family, even though they may not always entirely understand why we're doing what we're doing. I have a husband who I wouldn't trade in this world. We have reconnected in this last year spiritually, emotionally and lovingly. He is truly my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without him. Jesse now has a job that allows him to be a REAL person. Yesterday was the first time since our first year of marriage that Jess was able to go to my Mom's birthday dinner. I have a lot to be grateful for this Christmas and instead of focusing on the things that are waiting to arrive, I'm not going to waste my Christmas feeling sorry for myself. God is good, God has a plan and I trust that He will provide.

I pray that you all have a very blessed and safe Christmas! You are all a gift that I treasure and I'm so glad to have you in my life! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Dec 20, 2009

What a Difference a Year Makes!

Well, I'm sitting here organizing my blog and thinking back on all that has happened in the last year. A lot of my blogger friends who were battling infertility have conquered it and have achieved the ultimate goal. It's so amazing to me. I can't help but feel a little sad for myself, but honestly only a little. Although God hasn't provided us with our little bundle yet. He has provided me so much...

I have become friends with so many people and feel your love in so many ways. It's so amazing to me that when I started this blog 2 years ago I have been fortunate to find people who can relate, understand, care, support and encourage. All this from people I haven't met (except you Kami! :) ). God is truly amazing.

I never thought a year ago that Jesse and I would be so in tune with each other. A year ago, I thought if I wasn't able to have a child biologically, I would never have one, or worse, I wouldn't be with Jess. God has worked his magic and allowed Jesse and I to both be on the same page with our issue and accept what He is pushing us to do.

A year ago, I said I would adopt, but secretly didn't WANT to. Now, I'm in a point in my life where my desire to be a Mommy and to bring my little baby home means more to me than being pregnant. Now, don't get me wrong, would I love to be able to have our own baby? YES! Do I still pray daily for God to heal us and allow that to happen? YES! Is it as consuming to me as it was a year ago? I can honestly say NO!

I know that God is pushing us in a direction and although it scares the living heeby jeebies out of me. I am willing to take that step with honor. Some baby out there will be blessed with a Mommy AND a Daddy who prayed for them, cared for them and loved them more than they could ever imagine. When our baby comes, does it really matter if they came from my uterus...does that make a woman a Mommy? Hell no! I know that when God puts all the pieces in place and allows our baby to FINALLY come home, it will be wonderful because it will be His will!

With that being said...I made the call. Our appointment is January 12th. The next step is taken and it feels damn good!

Dec 11, 2009

I...Can't...Take...That...Step


Okay, so I told you all that we have made a decision and are planning on adopting.  Great, good deal.  We think we know what agency we want.  Great, even better.  Then, why oh why can't I make the call to set up the meeting with the agency?  Why?  Every day I say, oh yeah, I'll call during my break today and well, I think we know how that's worked out for me.  I'm hoping by posting this on here.  I'll make the call and take the next step.

Why oh why are the holidays such a horrible time for people going through infertility?!  And why do I have to be surrounded with all these pregnant people at work???  At lunch on Monday, I had to sit through listening to a co-worker talk about how she cried when she found out she's having a girl and not the boy she wanted...really??  Today I had to walk into the teacher's lounge listening to the other pregnant teacher talk about how big her first baby was.  UGH!  I can't wait for break, I need to get away from all this pregnancy garbage.  It's too hard right now...

Nov 29, 2009

Decision MADE! YIKES!

So the last few weeks have been pretty crazy. We had something going everyday for the past two weeks...LITERALLY. Not kidding! Thank goodness that's all over with. We made it. Conferences done, stress done. Time for the holidays. Can you believe it? Yikes, I'm not ready!

We have spent the last two months really soul searching and trying to find the answer to our infertility question. This was a huge part of my hiatus. (Hopefully I still have my blogger friends!) I needed some time away to really soul search and find the answer that was right for us. I knew reading your blogs would sway me and I needed this decision to be our pure decision for the two of us. I've known what we should do since back in July, but didn't want to come to terms with it. I needed some time to deal with the decision and make sure it was what I truly wanted.

I went with my mom up north in August, and that was really where I felt God telling me that adoption was our answer. It was a hard answer to hear. I didn't want to hear that at first. I wanted to hear, it'll happen or give IVF a try, but I can't deny what I feel God speaking to me. I have this overwhelming sense that this is what we are supposed to do. I know some people won't understand since we haven't 100% tried any fertility "options." But all I can say is this is totally what I feel we're meant to do.

We considered the donor route and the decision I came to was...IF (big IF there) God were to EVER bless us with our OWN baby, we would never experience that. Adoption allows us to be "open" to God's miracles. I know that might sound crazy, but I truly feel God will provide. I just have to obey. That's the hard part, obeying when you feel your answers are the best. Well, let's be real, MY answers haven't got me anywhere but heart broken and angry. I have no other options than to try this one!

My counselor summed it up perfectly one day when I was feeling very woe is me and crying for the pregnancy I may never have. What's your ultimate goal? To have a baby or to be pregnant? My ultimate goal in life is to be a mommy. Does it really matter if my baby comes from my uterus or someone else's? Really, truly? No, what matters the most is my baby coming home to be with her Mommy and Daddy and two fur-sibs! That's all that matters. Really life is too short to worry about the little things and although I know pregnancy is a NOT a little thing. In the grand scheme of life, all I want to be is a mom. My baby (wherever they are) will be loved unconditionally and really know what it feels like to be wanted and cared for.

That's about all we are in our decision making. We have a few agencies and one that we're really leaning towards. I just have to make a few calls to meet with some people and really get the ball rolling. I'm excited to start this next chapter of our lives and I'm even more excited to put infertility away. I don't think it will go away forever. It will be a beast that I'll be fighting for the rest of my baby making years, I'm sure. But I'm done being the victim and I'm ready to live my life the way I feel God is pushing me! Thanks for listening. I'm really back and I hope you're still there to support me! LOVE YOU!

Nov 9, 2009

Hi Ya GALS!

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. I've been so crazy busy with work and I don't know why?! I have so much to talk about and so much to tell (nothing on the baby front). So much has been happening, yet I feel like it's nothing at all. I wanted to say hi and I haven't forgotten about you guys! I'll be posting some updates with some pics and other cool things. I hope you guys haven't forgotten about me. It's going to take me days to catch up on what's going on with all of you! I'll be in touch soon! Love you!!

Sep 19, 2009

Fear, what Fear?

I posted a couple weeks back that for our first day of work, our principal took us to Camp Tamarack. This camp is geared for encouraging teamwork and cooperation. The sixth grade students always go to promote this. All of us were not looking forward to this professional development day. Ironically, we all would have preferred sitting in the media center listening to our principal yak on and on about the changes for the year.

It's not like I had a bad attitude about it, but I just thought it was lame. I mean, we're all adults, do we REALLY need this?! But, like I said, I had a smile on my face and decided my attitude was half the battle. So, we all went and our first "challenge" was to get our group across a Chocolate River (imaginary) on graham crackers (aka small pieces of wood.) The trick was the graham crackers had to have human contact at all times. If Drew (the very good looking director) noticed a piece without contact, it floated down the river. (Surprisingly we all were doing well with using our imaginations and going with the flow!! ha ha) ANYWAY... We all made it across by holding hands, supporting each other and talking with each other.




Our next challenge was we were all pirates and had to get off our sinking ship without talking. We could only talk in a certain spot and it could only be a whisper because other ships would be attacking us and they might hear us. Thank goodness, we all made it to safety again. This one was fun because we got to swing across on a rope! :)



Then after lunch, we walked over to the TANGO TOWER. It was terrifying! This thing was enormous and I, my friends, am TERRIFIED of heights. So you can just imagine my reaction when I was faced with my Nemesis, the Tango Tower.



My friend (also afraid of heights) and I decided we would do the ropes first, before anyone else. We figured we'd get it over with before we watched others and freaked ourselves out even more. I went first and I waited for my friend. Big mistake. I was shaking like a leaf and by the time I actually started climbing, I had barely any strength. When I got to the cargo part, I had nothing left, I couldn't do it. At this point, I started realizing this climb was like my climb in IF. I kept praying for God to give me strength to make it to the top, but I just had nothing left. I told the group I was coming down. I got to the bottom, arms and legs both shaking extremely PISSED! I couldn't do it.

I didn't show how upset I was. Instead I cheered other people on watching some of them make it and some of them go only as far as they were comfortable. While I was doing this, I still saw the parallel. When I couldn't deal anymore with IF, I was still supporting my blogger friends who were going about their "climb" at their own pace and satisfied with their own outcome.

After a little while, I asked if I could try it again. This time my competitiveness and stubbornness said, you aren't coming down until you touch the top of that damn tower.

Again, shaking with all my might, I got back on the ropes. This time I paced myself better, knowing what to expect. I didn't look down or back, I kept my sight upward and on my goal. I went at a pace I was comfortable, talking to myself and God along the way. I am happy to say I made it that time and I touched the top of that awful tower.


When I was coming down this time, I was ecstatic. I not only had conquered my fear of heights, but I knew in my heart that God wouldn't let me down. I might not have a baby the way that I had originally wanted or planned, my climb would be my own. But, eventually, by looking forward, not back, I will reach my goal and be satisfied and proud of myself for not giving up!


I find it very humorous that a day I thought was going to be lame and a waste, turned out to be a day I not only learned a lot about myself, but also gave me more hope in this ugly battle we call infertility. I love this picture. I did it AND I know now I can do anything I set my mind to by keeping my eye on the goal, not looking back and always looking up for guidance and support. Fear, what fear?

Sep 16, 2009

Birthday Week!

Well ladies. It is officially birthday week. My 30th birthday is on Saturday and I'm having mixed emotions. I'm so excited to be having a birthday because I just love being the birthday girl. But then I think about when I was 20, where I thought I'd be when I hit the OLD 3-0. I thought I'd have a family. I thought I'd be done having kids. I wanted to be a young mom. I'm trying to remain upbeat about it, but it's just a little scary. I know age is just a number and it's not the number I'm afraid of. I feel I'm the healthiest I've ever been, and if I don't say so myself, I think I look better than I ever have before! :) It's just that thought of wow! you're 30 and you're not where you thought you'd be.

I'm trying to lift it up to God and not have it weigh on my heart because I know there's nothing I can about it, but every once in awhile...I just get a little sad.

I know this birthday will be a lot of fun, we're going to dinner and a comedy show with a bunch of friends and family. I know I'll have a blast, but it's just one of those things where you ponder...I wonder if I'll be a mom on my next birthday, but then again, I realize, there's no sense wasting time and energy on something you have no control over.

Sep 9, 2009

I'm Back!

Hi girls!!! I'm back after a much needed down time. I have missed you all so much and know I will have hours upon hours catching up on what is new with everyone. I just needed a little break for my own sanity.

Nothing is too new...Well, we've decided that we will look into adoption agencies and see what there is to offer. I think we have closed the door to donor sperm and I haven't completely given up on IVF. I just know right now is not the time. We are paying off all our debt and I'm thinking next year to look at one more opinion and we'll see. It's so hard to just step back right now, but I know nothing will happen with our finances in such a juggle as they are now. So even though it's tough, I'm handing it over to God and just TRYING to let things be right now. It's not easy and I'm sure I'll be letting you know. But I know it's what's best for us.

My mom is doing okay. She actually has her lumpectomy tomorrow. I am nervous for her, but I know she will be okay. It's just a very stressful time. Thanks for all your support and encouragement. You all are such amazing women! I am so blessed!! Please keep the prayers coming for her.

I'm officially back to work and although I was NOT excited about it in the least, I have a great group of second graders. It's nice to be on some sort of a routine. Man am I a lazy a$$ when I don't have time limits or restrictions, but it is nice for a couple months to be a complete bum!

Something pretty exciting happened a few weeks back. I actually met Kami, my blogger friend, for lunch. It was so amazing to meet someone who knew EXACTLY how I felt!! We had so much in common and both talked and talked and talked. It still amazes me we met. I think it is such a blessing.

I've missed you all and can't wait to see what's happening with all of you, but remember, I'm working now...I can't be checking all day. So it might take me awhile. Thanks for being there and understanding!! Miss you all!!!

Aug 19, 2009

So Sorry!

Hi guys. I feel like it's been ages. But honestly I was having a hard time with the blogger world. Feeling sorry for myself when everyone else was having such great, wonderful moments, wondering if I would ever get there. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy and excited for all of my friends who are pregnant, or have their little buddles of joy already. But, it was like I had reached a breaking point and I just couldn't deal. Please don't be offended by that. I think most IF women go through this at some point, but this bout seemed to last a little longer.

It didn't help that last Wednesday my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Even as I type those words, I still can't believe it. My mom has breast cancer. That's so scary. She went to the doctor on Monday and another doctor yesterday. The first doctor said that it is NOT the aggressive form, it's small, no chemo, radiation for 6 weeks, lumpectomy... This is all so scary to me. I'm trying to be positive for her, but it's scary. Truly scary. That's the only word to describe it. Please if you could, keep my mom in your prayers that she will be fine. I would appreciate it.

I'll write more later, I was just breaking myself back in. I've missed you guys and hope you understand why I've been MIA. LOVE YOU!!!

Aug 8, 2009

An AWESOME Giveaway

Thanks to Kelli, I found this site, Chapters. Amy at Chapters is doing an awesome giveaway. Check it out!!!

THANKS KELLI and of course, AMY!!!

Aug 4, 2009

Feeling Better and AN AWARD!!! :)


Thanks to my great friends BB and Courtney for both awarding me with this beautiful award. I really needed this girls. It truly amazes me how close a bond we all share when most of us have never ever met. (Although I'm very geeked to finally meet in person one of my blog girls!!! :) Both girls are awaiting some news soon and I'm sure could use some of your love!

The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

And now the award goes to… Some of you are new, but some of you are oldies that I just love! :)

1All Things Griffin
2Isn't TTC Supposed to be Fun?
3The Borg's Blog
4Baby? Yes, Please
5Think (+) Positive
6Making Me a Mom
7Faith, Hope and Poop?
8The Pitter-Patter
9Just Another Infertility Blog
10Everyday Blessings
11Journey through Infertility Jungle
12Chasing that Dream
13Once Upon a Time
14My Talented Cousin!
15Waiting on a Miracle through the journey of Adoption

So I am doing a lot better and feel like I've come to a better understanding. Jesse and I have been doing a lot of soul searching and I think we know what decision we are going to make, but still need some time.

Thanks for all your support, caring comments and love. I am truly blessed. I love you guys!

Jul 26, 2009

Debbie Downer

I'm so sorry I feel like I've been such a Debbie Downer for this month's ICLW. But, I'm just struggling. I have cried at some point of the day for the last few days. I can't help it, I can't explain it, I can't stop it. I guess this is healing?

Today church was a little painful. The focus is on parenting. I knew that prior to going, but figured I could do it. I did fine, except for the videos and pictures. Seriously, I can't help but wonder when our time will come. I sat with my head on Jesse's shoulder the whole time and he simply wrote down on the program "another test."

I hate that. I know that God keeps testing us, but why? Seriously when do we finally pass the dumb test?! How much more can we endure? What does He want us to do? When will He tell us His plan? Obviously OUR plan is not working and we need some help. I have been praying and praying and praying. I have been asking for Him to help us do His will, open doors that will get us there and close doors that need to be closed. I don't know what I'm listening for.

I'm just so confused and hurt. I want so desperately to be pregnant and do the thing that a woman is supposed to do. But I'm really trying to evaluate if that matters. Does it? Will it? I don't know. I'm in such a bad place right now and I'm trying with all my might to get out of this place, but I feel like I'm in quick sand. Where do I go? What do I do?

This feeling hasn't been with me this long before and I hate it. I'm so glad I have all of you to support me and help me. I can't imagine what I'd be like without you. I'm hanging in there, I'll get up, I always do, just really hard this time...

Jul 22, 2009

Two Paths

So this morning as I was reading a book on adoption. Jesse asked me what I was doing and I told him writing down recommended questions the book suggests asking agencies. I then asked him if he called our lawyer friend. (I wanted to know if doing a fundraiser would be a legal way for us to get more funding for our baby endeaver.) He said that our lawyer said that it wasn't a good idea since Jesse owned a business and what not, blah, blah, blah. Basically it wasn't recommended, but our lawyer friend was going to check with his dad to verify.

I got a little frustrated and said something to the fact that we'll never have enough money to have a child. Everything I'm reading about open, domestic adoptions were anywhere from $20,000-30,000. Good luck. He got upset with me and said that he's not even considering adoption right now because he knows that's not what I want. He said that he knows I still have a strong desire to be pregnant and have a baby, so he can't give up on that, but in the same light, he's not ready for the next step either. He's afraid that when the baby comes and people say, "oh, jess, he has your eyes/nose/whatever," he will not be able to handle it. I told him people will say those things if they don't know we adopt too, but it won't matter at that point because the baby is ours.

He then said you won't relate because the baby will be yours. I told him let's look into donor eggs then too. He didn't say anything to that other than he needs my help and support to help him. I told him I don't know what to do or what he needs. This is where I need you guys. I have a letter that Tammy sent me, thanks Tammy! But I don't think he's ready for that. He told me he can't read any books on adoption, donor sperm, etc until he's over this. How do I help him? I don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm spending all my time trying to help myself embrace adoption and trying to get rid of my desire to have a baby. In the meanwhile, Jesse is doing the opposite. We had a counseling appointment on Monday and don't have another one til the 3rd. I just don't know what to do. Seriously this stuff is so damn maddening!! UGH!

Jul 21, 2009

Welcome July ICLW!

Hello ICLWers and Hi to all my girls who read this regularly. This is my third time participating in ICLW and I'm so glad that I have. I have found some amazing friends who have been a great support system and provide me a lot of encouragement, I don't know what I'd do without you.

I will not do another ABC this month, but instead give a quick summary of what my husband and I have been dealing with. In January of 07 after almost 3 years of trying, we took the dreaded step of seeing a RE. We found out that our issue was low sperm count and were completely turned of by the RE's quick desire to have us try IVF w. ICSI so soon.

We took a couple years to try natural approaches. We saw a nutritionist who worked with us on providing supplements, changed our diet. We tried seeing an acupuncturist hoping that would work. After almost two years of this lifestyle, I urged my hubby to get a second opinion. I was so optimistic that our hard work would've paid off. We were met with much heartache as we learned that my husband's sperm count was drastically low and our chances of having our own biological child were about 20% with ICSI. We were highly recommended to use a sperm donor to improve our results. (My post titled ROUGH was my post right after for those of you interested.)

So right now my husband and I are faced with a huge decision. Donor sperm or adoption. I feel my heart is telling me to move towards adoption, but my head won't let me completely embrace this. I feel embracing this completely means giving up on ever becoming a pregnant mom. I'm unsure how to get over the desire of being pregnant. I'm afraid I will always look at pregnant women and be envious they were able to do something I will never be able to do. If you are an adoptive mom, did you have these feelings? Do you ever get over it?

I know my ultimate goal is do be a parent and have children and do feel God is pointing me there. I am just struggling to fully accept this. I'm scared.

Sorry to be such a downer on a welcome day, but I'm going through a lot now. I know you have all been there and hopefully will understand!

Jul 18, 2009

wii Fun and the Day After

I had such a great time yesterday. I went over my aunt and uncle's house to hang out and go on the boat. However, due to Michigan's non-summerlike weather, the boat was out of the question. So, I spent most of the time playing with my cousins.

We pulled out the wii and I had a blast! My 3 year old cousin, Jacob, was cracking me up playing ping-pong. I think I have a bruise on my right arm from his darn controller. We played wii fit and I got to do some hula hooping and yoga. Man, I think I'm going to put one of those things on my birthday wish list. I had a blast.

I talked with my aunt a lot about what we're going through. It's so nice to have her because she has been there and knows what I'm feeling. We had some good discussions.

Today, I'm feeling horrible though. I think it's because I read this article that says in order to get pregnant, there needs to be a half-a million sperm to even allow the sperm to get there and penetrate. I feel so dumb. I've been living on the blind hope that "it only takes one!" Dumb me!

I don't know what to do. I feel like I want to try sperm donor, but is that just me being selfish? I mean I know how hard that would be for Jesse, but at the same point, not being pregnant ever is something I just can't fathom or imagine. I don't think it's such a hard thing to ask for. It's the most natural thing that a husband and wife could do, but not us. It sucks!

The hardest part is I was so sure God was talking to me a couple weeks ago. I thought he was telling me it was okay, you'll be pregnant, you'll know what it's like to be a woman, but obviously I was wrong! I know there's options, but I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. I'm afraid of wasting tons of money. I'm afraid that if I say, "let's adopt," I'm giving up on the dream of being a pregnant mom. I'm just so sad today. It came out of nowhere and I hate it!

I feel like I don't know how to listen to what God is telling me?! What do I do? What do I do? And even more importantly, how do I deal with it? I hate this. I hate infertility, I hate that good people have to feel these horrible, raging emotions. I don't know...

Today I feel like putting every single infertility book I own up for sale and get them out of this house. I'm so sick of dealing with this crap. Seriously, I have about 10 books and not one has helped. Finding books on donor sperm is next to impossible. I just need a sign, God, please speak to me! I need your help!!!!

Jul 14, 2009

Welcome Home!

What an amazing vacation we had in Myrtle Beach. The weather wasn't stellar, but it was much better than what we had at home! :) We did a lot of relaxing and just enjoying each other's company. On the way down, Jesse's partner called and asked if he could join us (my mom had an extra unit she tried getting rid of before we left.) We said we had room, so the more the merrier. They came down later in the week.

We talked a little bit on the way down and I had my assortment of adoption books I brought for the reading. I read one of them. It's not like I am totally against adoption, I just don't know how you EVER get over the wish, dream, hope that one day you will have your own biological baby. I told Jesse my concerns and said I just don't understand how adoption is much different than donor sperm. Although with donor sperm, I would still get the opportunity to be pregnant. He told me he wasn't totally against it, we just need to do research and figure out what's best for us. He also said, "you do realize we will only have one child." That struck like another shot through the heart. I know I shouldn't be selfish, damn, I'm only trying for one now and look at all the drama we entailed, but only one kid. That's something we'll obviously have to talk about further at a later date.

We had some good discussions and decided that either way; donor sperm or adoption, wouldn't be an option (what a poet am I?! :) ) until we paid off debts and saved some money. Looking like a year or so. I guess what I'm trying to say is we had a lot of good discussions, but still a lot of questions.

I also got an email back from my doctor and she said that Jesse's hernia operation concern held some merit. She sent us paperwork for Jess to get his hormones checked out and another referral for a urologist. Is it crazy that I'm hoping that something could be done with this??? What if we find out that his surgery is the cause of his infertility? What if they can fix it? See, I'm still left with a bazillion questions, but I know whatever happens, God will get us through. We'll see?!

Thanks guys for all your support. It truly means the world to me. I'm so blessed to have found each one of you and I couldn't imagine going through this without you!! Thanks!!!

Jul 4, 2009

Rough

Rough, that's what I'd call the last couple of days. As you know, Thursday was our result day at the RE. I was so optimistic and brought along a couple lucky charms: my grandpa's pinky ring that my Grandma gave me on our wedding and a charm that my friend's mom gave me (she had 7 kids). Much to my dismay, neither lucky charm worked. The results were heartbreaking.

Nothing changed. After acupuncture, nutrition doctors, diet changes, supplements, the list goes on and on. Nothing changed. I don't know if it got worse because the last RE was so nonchalant with everything, but they are pretty bad. In order to do IVF with ICSI, our RE suggests that we use donor sperm as a back up. I wanted to bust out in tears as she was speaking those words to me, but I remained "calm."


I love our new RE. She was so considerate and kind while relaying the message, yet also very factual. I cannot say that about our first one. I feel more armed and ready for what's to come. Even though I have no idea what's to come.

The ride home was horrible, the minute I got in the car I was sobbing and I don't think I stopped most of the day. My eyes hurt so bad Thursday night. I don't think I could've cried more. My heart was broken. It was like I was told you NEVER can do this. That was Thursday.

Friday was a new day and my stubbornness wouldn't let me give up. I got up early and jumped on the computer. I couldn't understand how nothing improved. Then I started putting pieces together. Jesse had a hernia operation right before we got engaged in 2001. I did some research on that and the information I found was that the procedure he had done is now thought to have an effect on fertility. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, that HAS to be it. That HAS to be the reason. I emailed my RE and asked her what she thought about this and also if Jess could get some blood work done to see if his hormones are functioning. I'll let you know what I find out!?

I'm not ever going to give up on the chance to have a baby of our own. I feel like this scene in Dumb and Dumber...



As long as there is something, I still have hope! I'm being realistic too. I know that our chances are small and I got 3 adoption books to take with me on vacation for us to read and start to figure things out. I am also at peace. I know that God has a plan for me and I just have to be open to it and listen. It's hard, but I know that together there is nothing Jesse and I can't get through.

Thanks for all your support and prayers, you guys are truly the best. I love you more than you know! Sorry for such a long post!! :) Have a great week, I don't know if I'll be checking this on vacay. Thanks again girls!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

Jul 2, 2009

Honesty is the best policy!

My friend Kelli is so sweet she gave me this Honest award. I am so touched that others are interested and truly care about what I'm going through along this hard journey. Thanks Kelli, I love you, thanks so much!


Here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:
1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself
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Honestly...

1. I am afraid of the dark.

2. I talk to my dogs as if they are people and will answer me?!

3. I pray for a healthy baby, but secretly would LOVE to have twins!

4. I am married to my best friend, soulmate and the person who understands me even when I don't understand myself!! I love you Babe!

5. I love watching reality tv, I'm trying to stop, but it's like a car accident, I just have to watch.

6. I read Tori Spelling's book STori Telling and I LOVED it, can't wait to read her other one.

7. I love the feeling you get after a good work out.

8. I am terribly afraid to do IVF, I'm afraid of needles, the money, the outcome, everything!!

9. I have a new respect for Britney Spears after she became a REAL person instead of the fake one she tried to be for so long.

10. One day I will be on Oprah, I love that woman!!
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Here is the list of blogs that I am awarding for their honest and truly inspiring posts:
1. Dana

2. Stacey

3. Dawn

4. Melissa

5. Hannah

6. Jules

7. Kami

Jun 29, 2009

So Cute!

So, as mentioned before, AF made an early entrance this month. The other day, Jesse was trying to get a little "frisky" when I informed him nothing could happen. His reaction was so adorable.

He said, "You mean you're on your period right now?"
Me- "Yep." I couldn't help looking at him like he was crazy, isn't that what I just said?!
Jess- "That means you'll be ovulating on vacation. NO period on vacation!!"

I couldn't help but smile at this. This is a true fact. Up until this vacation EVERY vacation has had the visit from AF at some point in time during the vacation. This will be the very first vacation that will happen at perfect timing of my cycle. It was so adorable to see his reaction. I love him so much!

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Please continue your prayers for us, RE appointment is Thursday. I'm feeling a lot more calm about it. I've never felt it before, but yesterday at church I felt God talking to me. I know you guys will think I'm crazy, but I totally felt him telling me everything was going to be okay. It will all work out. I've never ever felt the way I did yesterday. I called Jess to tell him because he had to work yesterday. I cried while telling him. Then I said a little prayer and turned the radio back on. While flipping to my fave country station, do you know what was playing? Do you know what was playing? Yep, you guessed it, Mr. Mom by Lonestar. (For info about this song, check out this post. I instantly started bawling my eyes out and just thanked the Lord. If that's not God talking to me, I don't know what is?! :)
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Update- My little Peanut is doing much better. She's almost off her steroids. Today will be the last day. She is back to her normal self and today was the milestone, she jumped up onto our bed. She hasn't been able to do that since she got hurt. Thank goodness my little cuddle-bud is doing much better. Thanks for the prayers!! Pea and I appreciate it. Jesse's pretty glad she's feeling better too. She's becoming HIS little cuddle-bud too, but she'll always be MINE!! :)

Jun 26, 2009

Thank you and RIP...

Thank you so much to all of you for your support. Yesterday was a hard day for me. I don't know why I took getting my period so bad. I knew there wasn't much of a chance of getting pregnant this month. I guess the fact that it was 3 days early?! I don't know.

I'm really nervous for next week, but it's really out of my hands and I want to deal with whatever we find out the best I can! You all mean so very much to me, I appreciate all your support and wonderful uplifting comments. I don't know what I would do without ICLW and all of you, so thank you!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!


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Yesterday was such a sad, sad day. I was sadden to learn that Farrah Fawcett had finally lost her battle to cancer. I never really watched any of her shows, but I did know about her struggle and long time love with Ryan O'Neal. It was so sad. But I can only hope she is up in heaven and living without pain. RIP.

Then came the most shocking news...Michael Jackson is dead. I am still not able to wrap my mind around this concept. I know I wasn't a fan as of late. But Michael Jackson was a huge part of my growing up. This album was my very first record. I remember listening to it for hours, dancing my butt of in the basement. Whenever I would get to the end of Thriller, I would run to the top of the stairs cover my ears and hum. I hated that evil cackle at the end of it.

Then the videos. I could sit and watch him dance for hours. He was such a talented man. He was truly the King of Pop.

It's sad how his story turned out. His obsession with his looks, the molestation charges, his odd behavior, his strange protection over his children, and even more horribly his untimely death. I had just learned that he was making a comeback tour and was excited for him. Now, I am filled with nothing but sadness. What saddens me the worst is I know there will be TONS of jokes about the man we all lost. He was a very talented man, a little strange, but I believe he had the best of intentions. I will not take part in poking fun at this horrible loss, instead I will watch ALL the specials I know will be running in the next couple days and hope that he is in a better place, free of all this judgment and pain that I know he must've experienced. RIP Michael Jackson, you will be terribly missed!

Jun 25, 2009

ONE WEEK!@!

Ok, I'm trying to breathe, but I'm freaking out!! We have just scheduled our next doctor's appointment to find out Jesse's results. I am already panicking. I am sooooo scared. I am so praying that our results have improved. I don't know if I can take it if they have stayed the same or have gotten worse.

I know there is nothing we can do at this point, but I am going to be praying my butt off. I am so nervous and scared. I just don't understand why there has to be this horrible thing called infertility. Why do we have to go through this? Why does it have to hurt so much? Isn't having a baby supposed to be one of the most natural things two people can do?

Oh friends, I need your help. I'm falling apart!! And I feel AF coming. Why, why, why??

Dear Lord,
Please look over Jesse and me. We need your strength, wisdom and peace. Please allow us to stay calm during the next week. I know that whatever happens is all in Your hands. Please give me strength, I need it. I am already falling apart!! I love You. Amen

Jun 23, 2009

Sorry...Can't Help It

So, I wasn't going to say anything, but then I read a blog about it and I'm all fired up! I know, that's a new one! :) Anyway, I hate to go "there", but I'm going.

Jon and Kate...PLEASE! Are you freaking kidding me? Okay, all that talk yesterday about the big "announcement," I figured couldn't be divorce. That was such an easy thing. I thought maybe someone, Jon, Kate, some executive at TLC would have realized their actions and thought maybe instead of ending a marriage and ruining 8 children's lives, I don't know, maybe go to counseling and work on it!

I don't know, maybe they did, maybe they tried to work on it. But I highly doubt it. The last couple shows was ridiculous to watch two grown adults do everything in their POWER to ignore each other. I mean, who is the adult in this situation???

Both of those two claimed and claimed and claimed they were doing everything for the best for their children. Really?? Really?? I guess I just don't see it. It just infuriates me that those two are so concerned with their status with America, rather than looking inward and concerning themselves with the well-being of their family.

I watched the show from day one and LOVED it! I loved watching this family who seemed so real and honest. Kate was VERY annoying, but Jon and her seemed to balance each other out. However, last season, I noticed a change in her. She seemed more concerned with herself and the whole dynamic seemed to shift. Once they moved to the new house, I just didn't like her anymore. She is NOT the same woman who showed her dog jowl stomach to the world. I'm sorry I'm sure I'm upsetting some people, but this just really turks me off. My husband and I would give ANYTHING to have a family and keep them protected and loved while there is one family who at one time wanted the same thing and is throwing it away. For what? Fame? I won't be watching anymore. I pray that the Gosselin children come through this unharmed and someone starts to really look out for them!!!!

Jun 22, 2009

Here I go...The ABCs

Okay, I am going to attempt to do the ABCs of me to introduce myself to the ICLW world! Here I go...

A- Adoption, I'm beginning to wonder if this is what God is challenging us to do?

B- Baby, obviously trying really hard to have one!

C- Christmas, my favorite holiday and time of year. I swear everyone is nicer and then it's all over. I wish it could last all year long!

D- Debt, trying to pay it all off so that hubby and I can afford to have a child, either through IVF or adoption."

E- Endurance, through infertility, we have gained a lot of endurance and I know we are better people because of it.

F- Family, it is extremely important to me. Even though they can sometimes drive you crazy, they make you who you are. I can't wait to add to ours.

G- God, I have learned that without him, there is no hope and He will get us through this.

H- Hawaii, my husband and I went last year and I can't WAIT to go back!!

I- Insurance, I hate insurance. Ours won't cover ANYTHING.

J- Jesse, my husband, my soul-mate, my best friend, I love him!

K- Karaoke, I LOVE watching others do this, but need to have a TON of liquid courage to do myself! :)

L- Low sperm count, this is something we are dealing with. UGH!

M- Music, I love listening to music and relating to it, listening to the words and really taking it all in.

N- New Kids on the Block, I loved them as a child and had a new spark with seeing them in concert TWICE in the past 10 months! :)

O- Oatmeal and Raisin cookies, my fave!! YUM!

P- Peanut, my little cuddle bud dog who I adore.

R- Reading, I love to read and unwind. I have done a much better job this year of actually reading books during the school year!

S- Sparty, my first furbaby who is the best dog in the world!

T- Teaching, my passion in life. Thank goodness for summers though! :)

U- United, Jesse and I have never been more united spiritually or emotionally. One of the "blessings" of infertility.

V- Vegetables, I LOVE them. I especially like broccoli, green beans and green peppers yum!

W- Wonder, I often wonder why God chooses the people he does to deal with infertility. I wonder what else we are supposed to learn, but I have hope and faith.

X- eXercise, it is my true stress relief and way for me to unwind and feel good about myself.

Y- Yoga, I love to do yoga. It's so relaxing and peaceful. I wish I could do it more often.

Z- Zero, the number of times I've been pregnant!

WELCOME!

Hello ICLW! This is my second month doing this and I love it! It's so nice to meet all these wonderful, amazing people who are so supportive and understanding. I will post more later, I'm planning on doing the ABC thing, wish me luck! But right now, I've got to go get ready for my doc appointment and I'm going to see Baby Abbie again today. YIPPEE!! :)

Jun 20, 2009

AHHHHHHH!

Okay, I have literally spent the last THREE hours trying to redo my blog. I am a little anal retentive, ask my teaching partner Cindy. Anytime I set my mind to doing something (rearranging the room, photo albums, etc.) I will not be happy until I am done. Hence why the last three hours of my life have been frustrating, and upsetting. I will never get that time back. Well, now I am somewhat satisfied with my new blog look, but I am still struggling to figure out how to get sidebars on BOTH sides of my posts. So, if anyone can help me with that, you will save me more hours wasted sitting in front of this %$#@ computer! :)

So, those who know me know that I have changed my look and also changed the title of this blog. When I started my blog a few years ago, I did it to be in touch with my cousin who had started her blog. At the time, I thought it would be a place for me just to shoot the shit on here. Lately, as you know, it has turned into more of a therapy for me with dealing with my infertility. My new title is my outlook on our battle with infertility. As much as I try to make things happen faster, there is really nothing I can do...it's all in His hands and on His timing.

Although this concept hasn't COMPLETELY sunk in and I will not deny I have my moments, I'm more peaceful and calm when I just let it go and leave it to Him. I am doing all I can on my part, but ultimately, when and if it ever happens, it will because of God and His power.

Okay, now I'm off to the gym. Seriously though, if anyone can help with with the sidebar issue, please send some help! I know I will come home after a stress relieving work-out to sit back here and "figure" it out. You can comment me the answer or email me mmproper@yahoo.com Your help would be more than appreciated!!! Thanks girls! :)

Jun 19, 2009

Congratulations!!!

I have been meaning to post this for awhile, but for some reason haven't gotten around to it. There has been a surplus of my blogger friends finally achieving BFP and I wanted to take a couple minutes to congratulate them.

Kami- is pregnant with two little "smurfs." She had her first ultrasound and heard both heartbeats. Both babies are measuring perfectly.

Ashley is pregnant and has experienced some ups and downs throughout the beginning of her pregnancy.

Dawn experienced the joy of finding out she was pregnant on a milestone birthday after a long time trying to conceive and many miscarriages.

A few good sperm is pregnant with twins too!! :)

All these women are IFers and although they have experienced the joys of becoming pregnant, they all have the fear of something bad happening. Please keep them in your prayers. They won't "relax" until their little bundles of joy make their healthy grand entrance. Congrats girls!! I'm so happy for all of you!! LOVE YOU!!
My really good friend had her baby girl last Friday and I went to see her in the hospital. Here are some pics from my first meeting with Abbie. I can't wait to see her again soon!!





Jun 15, 2009

Prayers...PLEASE!!!!

Well today is Jesse's appointment. I am so scared, nervous, hopeful... I could go on. I know, at this point, there is nothing more we can do. It's all in His hands. I'm praying and praying and praying that when he goes today things are better than they have been in the past. We probably won't make it back til next week to get the results and talk about our next step. So, ladies, if you would please, say a prayer for us today that things go well. I would grately appreciate it. I'm trying so hard to be positive. Ahhhh!!! Okay, thanks!

***Update***
Peanut had a much better night last night. She is still not moving around too much. She cuddled herself way down under the covers last night and around midnight when I woke up sweating my butt off, she was down at my feet still panting her poor butt off. She must've been so hot. I got her some ice and some water, she finally laid next to me and fell asleep. She would periodically wake up and pant again, and then I would pet her and she would calm down again. I just took her out and she went potty and is sitting on the patio with Sparto. If you have any extra prayers, please say one for my Pea. I hope she's feeling better soon!


THANKS!!! :)

Jun 14, 2009

My Poor, Poor Pea

My little Peanut got hurt on Friday. She and Sparty were running around like crazies on Friday while I was in the shower. I could hear them pounding up and down the stairs and running amok. Jesse was in the other bathroom going potty, then I heard my Pea yelp. Jesse said she was fine, she hurt her leg. NO biggie. So I checked her out and it seemed like her leg was hurt.

I went to school, visited a friend who had just had her baby and rushed home to see my poor furbaby. She was not doing well. She came to the stairs and just laid there until I carried her down. She went outside, did her business and then hid behind the end table. This is NOT like my baby because she always wants to be near me and she was hiding. When I found her, I brought her into the living room where I was folding clothes. She was shaking so bad. I called Jess and he told me to take her to the vet if that's what I thought needed to be done.

So, I did. The vet said that he thinks it's just a muscle strain and prescribed an anti-inflammatory and told me to keep giving her the muscle relaxers we had started giving her. SO, that's what I did and then went to watch the Wings. (UGH, they lost!)

She seemed okay. Saturday morning, I gave her the medicine and we left for our family reunion. When we got back late last night, she was awful. She was panting, her nose was on fire and she wouldn't move. I kept telling Jess something was wrong, but he kept telling me there was nothing we could do til morning (it was 2 am.) SO I laid there with Pea between us shaking uncontrollably and panting so bad. She kept breathing these rapid, shallow breaths. I turned on my reading lamp and her eyes were just so desperate. I kept telling her I loved her and in the morning I would make her better. I felt so helpless. I was so afraid we were going to lose her. She just seemed that lethargic and in that much pain.

Finally around 4am, I fell asleep because she did. I took her in a few hours ago and the vet said that he thinks it's her back based on what I told him and what he saw. Nothing showed up on the x-ray though. He gave her some steroids, they are supposed to work better and another medication.

She is sleeping right next to me now and seems a little better. I have to give her the steroid at dinner time, so hopefully this evening or tomorrow she will be feeling even better. The vet said this won't be a permanent thing, but I've never been so scared. She is my little cuddle bud and I love her (and SParty) so darn much. It amazes me how much an animal can be a part of your family.

Jun 6, 2009

Thank you!!!

Hi girls!! You are all so wonderful. Thanks for all your support and encouragement. It was a pretty lousy week, but I got through it with the help of all you! You are all the best "friends" I could ever have. I try to talk with my friends about it, but they don't understand. They try to bless their hearts, but they truly don't understand and will never understand unless they have walked a mile in infertile shoes.

There is a light at the end of my tunnel and it is called SUMMER VACATION!!! :) WOOOO HOOOO!! I'm almost there. Three and a half more days! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!

Well, I've got to finish up my report cards AND I'm starting something new this year, I'm going to put a note in each child's report card summarizing the year, how they did, what they need to work on, etc. Wish me luck! :) It'll be a LONG weekend!

Thanks again!!!! You all are truly a blessing!!!

Jun 2, 2009

Do me a favor...

If you don't like what I write about, how I feel or what I say. Don't read it. I have been going through this hard time for over 5 years and I don't need you, whoever you are, trying to knock me down. Seriously, if you felt so inspired to comment "anonymous" commenter, why didn't you leave your name?

Nothing I wrote about called anyone out and I didn't write anything that would offend strangers, so I'm left wondering who would've made that anonymous comment? Not so anonymous now is it?!

May 28, 2009

Sorry...

I'm so sorry to end ICLW on this note, but I am soooo f'n po'ed. UGH! Why do people insist on treating infertile people like we will break if we hear something that is hard on THEM? I just found out that Jesse's sister is going to a baby shower on Sunday for her best friend, right. No biggie, except for the fact that his WHOLE family knew and no one told me and the kicker is this friend has been doing my hair up until March when I decided I didn't like the way she's been cutting it. (Maybe she was cutting it bad, so that I'd leave and NEVER find out that she had a baby!)

Seriously people! What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think I'm so stupid that when I see Stefanie lugging around a kid I won't think that it's hers? I mean come on. I expect this from "friends," but family. I guess there's no one you can trust except others that are going through this experience.

It's so frustrating that people keep things from you like this because they don't think we can handle it, when the funny part is THEY are the ones who can't handle it. Then they stop inviting you to things and drop off the face of the earth and make it seem like it's because you did something. I wish people would just face the truth and handle the truth, I'm so pissed right now, I can barely stand it.

Here's the God honest truth (because some people are too slow to get this):
  • I will survive finding out you or someone we know is pregnant, I have for the last five years and it just makes me stronger
  • When I find out after the fact or that you've been keeping it from me because you are worried for me, I worry for you because I might just choke you
  • I won't harm your children after they are born, so you can hang around me
  • I won't cause you to suffer from infertility, so you can hang around me
  • I need friends, but I'm learning I have VERY few!

I'm so sorry to end a great week of meeting new friends and sharing wonderful stories, but so goes the life of an infertile, just when you think you've experienced it all...BAM! Someone shocks the hell out you! Thanks for listening, I'm going to go meditate and relax. Sad part is I found this out coming home from a very stress relieving workout. Jesse is the one who told me and I think he's even more upset!!! UGH!

May 27, 2009

Confused...PLEASE HELP!

I've been charting BBT and always thought that ovulation occurred when my temperature went up or spike .5 or more degrees. I was reading another site and it said ovulation was when it dropped. Can you guys help clarify? I'm a little confused.

Good night, I'm going to watch the rest of the Wings game. So far 2 periods and no score. Hopefully they'll kick some Blackhawk butt and end this series! :) See you tomorrow!

MICHIGAN HUMIDITY UGH!

So, just a warning, this post today is going to be nothing but vain! So, please don't judge. I have naturally curly hair, that I hate I might add, and today I decided with a 60% chance of rain today to not even bother trying to straighten my mop today. However, I was too lazy to rewash my hair and went for a day 2 curly hair do...I tried curling my hole head with a curling iron and much to my dismay, it looked like $#%^! So, after an hour of trying to get my hair to look decent, it went up in a pony.

I wanted to take pictures of me and the kids individually so that I could FINALLY finish their scrapbooks, but no way was I taking pictures with this mop today. I went to my friend this morning (who also has curly hair) to complain and ironically enough, she was sporting a pony too, and complaining about AF's cramps. (lucky for me, mine's not due for another couple days!)

Then to make matters worse, my two friend's with straight hair, and no humidity problems come to my room at lunch with perfectly beautiful, unfrizzed, straight hair! Bitches!

I'm on my way to email my hair dresser and sign myself up for a how the hell do you style this mop lesson?! To sum it all up, Michigan + Humidity = one ugly head of Michelle's hair!

Okay, okay, I'm done! Thanks for listening!

May 25, 2009

A Couple Things...

So I found a blog earlier this week on ICLW where this poor girl started her day by running over a squirrel! Horrible, I know. So, I had to go get b/w takin yesterday morning EARLY! I got there and there was a slew of people there. However, this doc's office runs smoothly. So, after about 5 minutes, maybe 10, they call me back for my b/w.

On the way home, I am driving down a 6 lane highway divided by a median (Metro Pkway, 16 mile for Michiganders) and low and behold a kamikaze squirrel darted across the highway. Seeing as though it was 7:30 on a Sunday, there was no one out there, so I hit the brakes and allowed this little guy through. The entire time I was laughing though because of this other girl's blog! (I tried searching to find that post, but can't remember who it was, so if anyone knows who I'm talking about, send me her blog PLEASE!)

Yesterday we had my dad's SURPRISE 60th bday at our house. It was a huge success. He was shocked and everyone had a good time. Keeping that surprise from my dad was so unbelievably HARD. I never realized that I don't keep secrets from my dad. I told him I hope he enjoyed it because I can't keep anything like that from him again!! :)

Today we have a little mess to clean up and then I'm going to my parents to see my bro one more time before he leaves back for school. Overall it was a great weekend and I don't want to go back to work. But, then again, I only have 12 1/2 days left!! YEY!!! :)

Oh yea, and my b/w came back great!! :) YEY!!

***Update
I found her, check out the original squirrel story http://afewgoodsperm.blogspot.com/ Too funny!

May 22, 2009

What do you think?

Okay, I thought I typed this post up, but I'm looking and I don't see it...I might be officially losing it! Anyway. I need some insight. The week before Mother's Day I was late for my period and one morning while I was getting ready for the day and having my daily conversation with God. I asked him to give me a sign if I was preggers or not. Since I'm not too sure when God is speaking to me I asked specifically for a certain song, "Mr. Mom" by Lonestar.

So I went on with my day, kissed Jess good-bye and began my journey to work. I didn't even get on the freeway when the old familiar beat came on and I was screaming to Jesse about what I said to God and couldn't believe He actually played the song. :)

Much to my dismay, a few days later, Aunt Flow came and I was upset for God playing that "trick" on me. I got over it and was brave enough to go to church on Mother's Day. We walked in grabbed our seats and the first song was playing. We sat down for literally 2 seconds and would you know what the band started playing???? Yes, you guessed it, Mr. Mom! I instantly was in tears and wanted to run from the room.

I cried all the way home telling Jesse that God just doesn't like me. To have played that song twice and obviously there is no baby right now. My ever so insightful husband begged to differ. He said God played it twice, maybe not to inform me I was pregnant but to let us know we are on the right path. To trust in Him and just enjoy the journey. I believe that and I so trust in Him, but I can't help the fear too. What do you guys think about this chain of events?

Welcome ICLW!

Welcome ICLW! This is my first time experiencing this and I am sooo excited! Sorry I didn't get to comment yesterday. It's been a crazy week. Dad turned 60 and we've been celebrating since Tuesday! Anyway...My husband and I have had a long journey in our trying to conceive journey and I just realized I have never documented our journey. So...Here it is:
08/03-husband and I got married
4/04- Threw out bc pills and said let's see what happens
5/05- told gyno our concerns, told us to wait and see
5/06- expressed more concern and got some testing started
6/06- HSG-normal, blood work normal, everything normal on our part
7/06- husband has low sperm count
8/06- start seeing urologist
10/06- urologist recommends varicocele surgery, start researching
11/06- start seeing a nutritionist to see if that helps and take some time off from IF
1/07- make appointment with first RE, try to sign up for insurance to help w/IVF
3/07- told the only way insurance would work is if we agree to sperm donor, more time off
4/08- start seeing new nutritionist, change diet
9/08- start seeing acupuncturist
12/08- maybe go back to medical doctor to see if anything is working
3/09- new nutritionist and ONLY going for health maintenance
4/09- meet with second RE and waiting for new tests...

So there goes our journey. We are very apprehensive (obviously) with the medical world of infertility. We are trying more natural approaches and are hoping with the testing that we are doing that SOMETHING will have improved. We have strong faith in what we are doing and also an even stronger faith that God will show us which direction to take. The journey is not over...

May 14, 2009

Fair Weather Friends

Okay, I've been living with this since Mother's Day and it's killing me! On Mother's Day, one of the hardest days for a woman who is ttc, I (trying to be a good person/friend) sent a text to two of my friends who had babies in the last year. I just said, "Happy 1st Mother's Day. Miss you, love you!"


I sent it after church and was starting to get annoyed that NEITHER one of them sent anything in return. Jesse, however, kept telling me they might be busy. However, by the time we left his parents' house at 10, I realized that they were not going to respond. I then started to think that my phone wasn't working. I had to call a friend to find out something for work the next day and I texted instead to see if it would go through or not. By the time I had reached the top of the steps, she already had texted me back.

I stewed about it all the next day and thought about sending both of them a did you get my text email. But the more I thought of it, why? These friends obviously didn't respond because they didn't know what to say to poor, pitiful, childless Michelle. However, a thank you, miss you or thinking of you response would have been acceptable.

I'm so sick of fair weather friends and people who shun you because it's hard on them! One of these friends we have only seen the baby once in 9 months. Not to our lack of trying, we have offered to come over, go out to dinner, go to the zoo and never get a response back. I've realized they don't want to do anything with us because it makes it hard on THEM! Seriously. This is the only reason I can think of. I find it so annoying and so hurtful. It just really irritates me. I'm so sick of fair weather friends! Okay, I'm done...Thanks for listening!

May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Those 3 words can either brighten your day and touch your heart or slice your heart in two. Each Mother's Day, I imagine and think that this will be the last childless one. Each year, I imagine myself on that day, my first one, with my baby in tow. I'm no longer doing that because it's too painful. Who knows when that time will come and I can't keep living like that.

It's a day to celebrate, for some of us, it's a day to feel sorrow for something we don't have. People at church with nothing but the best intentions, kept telling me, "Happy Mother's Day!" I obviously didn't have a child with me, but I'm sure they assumed, this woman is in her late 20s, here is her husband, they're coming to church, their children MUST be in the kids program. With each well wish from a stranger, Jesse gripped my hand a little tighter. Knowing full well that my smile and gracious, "thank you," was all a front. Inside it hurt to know that others know that being a mother is where MOST people are when they are my age. That's not my destiny, at least not yet.

I have a lot to be thankful for...I am a mother to two pups who depend on me and love me like a child would love their mother AND I do have two godchildren who I thank the Lord for.

However, despite this, when the pastor had all the mothers stand up to get a blessing, I stayed in my seat. In my opinion, I'm not the mother that I want to be, wish to be and pray to be. There's something more for me. I might not be a mother yet, and I don't know if it will be next year either, but I do know that one day, some way, some how...I will be a mother.

Happy Mother's Day out there to all of you mothers, wanting to be mothers and everyone in between...our time will come!

May 8, 2009

Take 2...

So we met with RE #2, Dr. B, we'll call her. She is very nice, very knowledgeable and much less pushy then Dr. W... We didn't find anything new out, I didn't think we would since it was our first appointment.

After we told her our story, she said she would come to the same conclusion Dr. W did. However it's been 2 years, she wants new tests and to see for herself. She didn't say it was not possible that Jesse's count could have gone up, she didn't say it was good odds either. I guess we're just in waiting mode until the tests come in.

I'm so hoping that things have improved. Our life has improved in so many ways that could influence this. Jess isn't working near all the hot ovens as he was in the past, no SUPER late hours, more than half the stress, feels better... I could go on and on.

She took my blood work and wants me to get more on day 22 to make sure I'm ovulating and doing that well. So, I guess we're just going to wait and see...Please pray for us that something has improved. IUI would be much cheaper than IVF and I don't know WHEN we'll get the money. I hate insurance companies. Why won't they cover this? Ugh, I'll save that for another post, another day! I'm off for a Euchre fundraiser. See ya!

May 6, 2009

Back in action and lower than EVER!

Hello. I feel like it's been AGES!!! Ugh, our computer totally bit it and I lost every single document, song, picture...UGh! But at least I'm up and running again. We'll get there, we'll get there.

So, I had a roller coaster week. My period was scheduled to make it's debut Monday, April 27th. Much to my liking...It never came, nor the next day nor the next day...Fast forward to Monday, May 4th. Yep, you guessed it. She made her grand entrance 1 week late. Although during that week I kept talking to myself and telling myself not to get excited, yeah right. I knew I didn't feel the way I did the last time, so in my head I knew it wasn't, but how do you tell your heart to give up? So, I hope and prayed and hoped and prayed and hoped and prayed some more.

Then on that horrible, crampy, wish I could forget day, it came. I took it pretty hard. I mean, I get bummed when my period comes each and every month, but I can deal with it when it is ON TIME and there is nothing to get me psyched about. Not to mention, I was already geeking out about THIS Mother's Day finally being MY Mother's Day. Or that I could surprise my dad with some awesome news on his 60th birthday. All these things that I was secretly hoping for, were a fantasy in the blink of an eye.

I feel like God was playing some evil joke on me. Ha, ha Stupid, you fell for it. Hook, line and SINKER! I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I have been trying. When I got sick I kept thanking God. Maybe this is what I need to slow down to make it happen. I've been more positive, but I am very disheartened right now. It's so hard to pick myself up after this one.

I have tried and some of the things I came up with were:
This had to happen and my period came a week late because when it finally does happen, the timing will be PERFECT!

All the paint fumes and chemicals from Spring clean up at church would've harmed the baby, so it's really a good thing.

It's not our time and I just have to trust in God. (This is the hardest one!)

How do I let it go? How do I stop this obsessing? Please help me if you can. I feel very helpless and don't know how to lift this to God and just let it be...

Oh and we're going to RE #2 for our first appointment for a second opinion tomorrow. Wish me luck! Tomorrow will be better, tomorrow it will be brighter, tomorrow is a new day!!!

Apr 19, 2009

Fostering...

To become foster parents, yes or no??? At church for the first few times we went, there was an ad that families are needed to be foster parents. This called to me and I tried to ignore it. Then the ad stopped appearing in the newsletter and I thought that to be a sign from God saying, "no, it's not for you." I kept praying for an answer, a clear answer. So, on Easter Sunday, low and behold, the ad was back.

I talked to Jess about it and told him that I think God is telling me this is what He's asking us to do right now. He said he needed more time, as I did too. This is terrifying!!! However, yesterday, I was showing Jess another infertility blog that I found and he said, "that's weird you showed me that today. I was going to tell you to get some info about the fostering thing this week."

I about fell to the floor. As much as this excites me. It scares the hell out of me. I know we would be awesome parents whatever way God brings kids into our lives, but this is scary... I know us, when I call for info tomorrow, it will more than likely follow through with another call that says, "Sign us up."

As much as this scares me, I know this is what we need. It will help me to deal with waiting for us to save the money needed for the procedures that we will have to endure to have our own biological baby. I'm trying to be super positive too and hoping that when we start with our new RE on the 7th, she will tell us that an IUI would be an option for us. I guess we'll just wait and see and I'll let you know what happens when I call the lady tomorrow! YIKES!!!

Apr 17, 2009

What a Beautiful Day!?

Today was so much fun. I went with my aunt for my little cousin's field trip to the zoo. It was such a beautiful day today in Michigan. Sunny and about 70 degrees, who could ask for more? My aunt and I had a blast chatting, laughing and directing children. It's so much more relaxing to go on a field trip when you're not the one in charge! :) Sammie was excited to see me and it was fun seeing her classmates and her classroom at the end of the day.

Along our journey through the park, I started recapping the old Detroit Zoo commercial that anyone who is from the Detroit area remembers from the early 80s. We had a great day laughing and just enjoying life. Here's a bit of history for anyone who might remember! :)

LOVE THIS!!!

At Easter service, they sang this song and I was in tears. This song has touched my heart! It just makes me think that no matter what happens to me in this journey, one thing remains, "I'll be found in You!" God will be there to pick me up, lift me up and help me see what He has in store for me! Enjoy!~



Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

You make all things new

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Apr 14, 2009

Feeling Better

Our Easter was lovely. We went to church with my mother in law and sis in law. They don't do church, so it was nice to have them there with us. It was nice. We went over there later on, had dinner and played some Euchre and relaxed.

I've been a tad bit crabby lately. I'm not too sure why. I had some drama with my sister and a friend, but that's a LONG story and I really don't feel like getting into that right now, maybe later. Jesse told me the awesome news that his old "partners" gave us one more parting gift. Not only did they take all the money Jesse invested into the partnership without offering an ounce, they filled out the tax forms so that we couldn't even write off the loss. They are such crooks and I have to believe that karma will get them. It's just so frustrating. I'm just amazed how some people can live with themselves when all they use their lives for is badness~!! UGH!

I don't know why I've been so crabby. I guess I am starting to freak out about our next appointment with our new RE for a second opinion. I am hoping for so much with this appointment. I am hoping that all our "natural" approaches have made some improvements. I would love to hear her say that an IUI would be doable as opposed to the dreaded IVF with all the drugs and MONEY that we don't' have. Wouldn't that be fabulous.

I am trying, with all my might, to keep a positive outlook and not be so glum. The appointment isn't until May 7, so I've got some time. Just trying to start the warm and fuzzy wonderful thoughts early. It couldn't hurt, right??

Apr 7, 2009

SICK...UGH!

So, I am sick. Not just scratchy throat, my head hurts sick, I'm sick. I am NOT a great sick person. I woke up this morning with a 101 fever and thought I would go in and do sub plans. My husband said if you're going in to do that, you should probably just go in. Great advice hubby! I got to work to hear everyone say, "you look and sound like poop!" So I got my sub plans ready and was out of there by lunch.

By the time I got home my fever had dropped, thanks Tylenol, to 99. I went to my doctor's appointment and thought I was going to die. I was shaking, my eyes were watery, my head felt like it was going to pop off my head and when I cough, look out! On the way home, I realized I probably should've had someone take me, as I felt like I was going to fall asleep at the wheel.

I came home, took my meds and went to sleep. I slept for a few hours and woke up shivering, despite the fact that I had on sweats, slippers, t-shirt, long sleeve t-shirt, sweatshirt and 2 blankets! I took some motrin this time and it wasn't helping. Finally after I ate an apple, I began to sweat, sweat, sweat. I'm still not feeling 100%, but I'm feeling a little better. I'm going to take some more motrin for a good nights sleep. Hopefully I'll feel better in the morn. I heard that everyone who's had this nasty thing has lasted awhile. Please, let me feel better NOW!!! I HATE BEING sick!

Apr 6, 2009

NKOTB!


Well, this past weekend, my friend and I went on a little road trip and saw our childhood favorite group...New Kids on the Block!

We had so much fun! This is the second time in less than 6 months that we saw them. We saw them this time at a much smaller venue. Wait til you see my pics and see how close we were. Donnie was so close to me!! Yum, yum! It was a great time. Too fun! :)

I LOVE DONNIE! :)

Amazing Video

Okay, I was away this weekend and now I find myself catching up with all my blogger friends. I found this video through a friend of a friend and it TOTALLY sums up the last four years. Jesse and I have been through a lot and seeing something like this makes me feel like we are not alone! It is truly amazing.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Apr 1, 2009

New outlook

So, my lovely "friend" stopped by for a week long visit yesterday and I wasn't sad. No siree! I read this acupuncture book about different things we can do: diet, acupoints, massages, etc. Well, normally for a week leading up to Aunt Flo, you can't come within 5 feet of the "girls" or I'm crying in pain. Normally the day she visits equals uncontrollably horrible cramps. Well, I'm happy to report neither of these horrible thing happened to me this month! YEY!! Boobs didn't hurt, and not even the slightest crampola!

I am not looking at my monthly visitor as a pain, instead I am looking at it as a blessing. Some women aren't as fortunate as I am. I have a regular period and I'm doing things that have erased some of my horrible symptoms. Things could be worse, but I'm not thinking of it. I'm only looking at the bright side.

We got a referral for a RE that my aunt visited and had success with. We have our first appointment for our second opinion for May 7th! Things are getting better. Slowly but surely. I have hope. I KNOW it will happen for us. It's in His hands now. I'm relaxing and enjoying the ride!

Mar 28, 2009

The journey...

So I'm not a fan, by any stretch of the imagination of Mi.ley, but her new song The Climb came on the radio today and something kept me from changing the channel. It took me a couple seconds to get over her whining, no talent voice (sorry if there are any fans out there, but seriously, I can sing better than that. And that's not saying much!) but I was caught up listening to the words and feeling inspired! Here are the lyrics. Please don't judge me, I will again stress it's not the SINGER I am complimenting, it's the lyrics that have touched me.

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
The pain I’m knowing
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Yep...Keep MY faith! Got it. Thanks God!

Mar 18, 2009

Surrender

So, I've been dying to put this post in, but I totally ruined the computer and lost Internet. So much for helping!! Thank goodness for my dad. He helped save the computer!!

We went to the new church again on Sunday. Again to the same inspiring message. This time they were talking about Surrendering to God. I know I have said before that it's all in God's hands, but secretly, behind the scenes, I was micromanaging every millisecond on our journey. I'm sure that's not good for us. But, I was scared. Let go? Leave it to God? Give up "control"?

Well listening to the message this week, I knew I was wrong, but admit it. Never. However, the message went on and the teaching pastor spoke of the same battle he had, and also the moment he decided to surrender to God. It was emotional, it was touching listening to this man spill his heart and soul out about his journey. The whole time he was talking, I was battling with myself to let go how I'm feeling about all the stress of infertility. At the end he asked people who honestly could and would surrender to the Lord to stand up and say a quiet prayer. I knew in my heart this was my moment. The moment I could release all the stress and burden that infertility brings. I still debated with myself knowing full well what I had to do, but at the same time, scared out of my mind to think about doing it.

I prayed in those short moments and told God I trusted him and that whatever journey he sees fit for Jesse and me to make it obvious and clear to us. I had tears in my eyes as I stood up and honestly let it go. I let it go. I can no longer bare the burden that infertility brings. I let it go. I'm letting God. I have to for myself, my husband and my future babies. In that moment I realized that agonizing over ovulation and timing sex and all of that is not what this is about. It's time to relax and just see where it goes.

This doesn't mean that I will sit back and not do anything. I obviously will do what I need to do, however, I am done worrying about it. I'm done agonizing over it. It's time to listen and just be. I've finally accepted the hand we've been dealt. Yes, it sucks, it honestly sucks, but I also feel like it's a badge of honor. God chose us. He knew we could handle it. It has brought us nothing but good things. The people we have met through this journey have been truly inspiring and some of the warmest and best people I have come across. So, again, I thank God for this. It's time to stop pitying myself and see that I am a strong woman and with God, nothing is impossible!