Jun 29, 2009

So Cute!

So, as mentioned before, AF made an early entrance this month. The other day, Jesse was trying to get a little "frisky" when I informed him nothing could happen. His reaction was so adorable.

He said, "You mean you're on your period right now?"
Me- "Yep." I couldn't help looking at him like he was crazy, isn't that what I just said?!
Jess- "That means you'll be ovulating on vacation. NO period on vacation!!"

I couldn't help but smile at this. This is a true fact. Up until this vacation EVERY vacation has had the visit from AF at some point in time during the vacation. This will be the very first vacation that will happen at perfect timing of my cycle. It was so adorable to see his reaction. I love him so much!

Please continue your prayers for us, RE appointment is Thursday. I'm feeling a lot more calm about it. I've never felt it before, but yesterday at church I felt God talking to me. I know you guys will think I'm crazy, but I totally felt him telling me everything was going to be okay. It will all work out. I've never ever felt the way I did yesterday. I called Jess to tell him because he had to work yesterday. I cried while telling him. Then I said a little prayer and turned the radio back on. While flipping to my fave country station, do you know what was playing? Do you know what was playing? Yep, you guessed it, Mr. Mom by Lonestar. (For info about this song, check out this post. I instantly started bawling my eyes out and just thanked the Lord. If that's not God talking to me, I don't know what is?! :)

Update- My little Peanut is doing much better. She's almost off her steroids. Today will be the last day. She is back to her normal self and today was the milestone, she jumped up onto our bed. She hasn't been able to do that since she got hurt. Thank goodness my little cuddle-bud is doing much better. Thanks for the prayers!! Pea and I appreciate it. Jesse's pretty glad she's feeling better too. She's becoming HIS little cuddle-bud too, but she'll always be MINE!! :)

Jun 26, 2009

Thank you and RIP...

Thank you so much to all of you for your support. Yesterday was a hard day for me. I don't know why I took getting my period so bad. I knew there wasn't much of a chance of getting pregnant this month. I guess the fact that it was 3 days early?! I don't know.

I'm really nervous for next week, but it's really out of my hands and I want to deal with whatever we find out the best I can! You all mean so very much to me, I appreciate all your support and wonderful uplifting comments. I don't know what I would do without ICLW and all of you, so thank you!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!


Yesterday was such a sad, sad day. I was sadden to learn that Farrah Fawcett had finally lost her battle to cancer. I never really watched any of her shows, but I did know about her struggle and long time love with Ryan O'Neal. It was so sad. But I can only hope she is up in heaven and living without pain. RIP.

Then came the most shocking news...Michael Jackson is dead. I am still not able to wrap my mind around this concept. I know I wasn't a fan as of late. But Michael Jackson was a huge part of my growing up. This album was my very first record. I remember listening to it for hours, dancing my butt of in the basement. Whenever I would get to the end of Thriller, I would run to the top of the stairs cover my ears and hum. I hated that evil cackle at the end of it.

Then the videos. I could sit and watch him dance for hours. He was such a talented man. He was truly the King of Pop.

It's sad how his story turned out. His obsession with his looks, the molestation charges, his odd behavior, his strange protection over his children, and even more horribly his untimely death. I had just learned that he was making a comeback tour and was excited for him. Now, I am filled with nothing but sadness. What saddens me the worst is I know there will be TONS of jokes about the man we all lost. He was a very talented man, a little strange, but I believe he had the best of intentions. I will not take part in poking fun at this horrible loss, instead I will watch ALL the specials I know will be running in the next couple days and hope that he is in a better place, free of all this judgment and pain that I know he must've experienced. RIP Michael Jackson, you will be terribly missed!

Jun 25, 2009


Ok, I'm trying to breathe, but I'm freaking out!! We have just scheduled our next doctor's appointment to find out Jesse's results. I am already panicking. I am sooooo scared. I am so praying that our results have improved. I don't know if I can take it if they have stayed the same or have gotten worse.

I know there is nothing we can do at this point, but I am going to be praying my butt off. I am so nervous and scared. I just don't understand why there has to be this horrible thing called infertility. Why do we have to go through this? Why does it have to hurt so much? Isn't having a baby supposed to be one of the most natural things two people can do?

Oh friends, I need your help. I'm falling apart!! And I feel AF coming. Why, why, why??

Dear Lord,
Please look over Jesse and me. We need your strength, wisdom and peace. Please allow us to stay calm during the next week. I know that whatever happens is all in Your hands. Please give me strength, I need it. I am already falling apart!! I love You. Amen

Jun 23, 2009

Sorry...Can't Help It

So, I wasn't going to say anything, but then I read a blog about it and I'm all fired up! I know, that's a new one! :) Anyway, I hate to go "there", but I'm going.

Jon and Kate...PLEASE! Are you freaking kidding me? Okay, all that talk yesterday about the big "announcement," I figured couldn't be divorce. That was such an easy thing. I thought maybe someone, Jon, Kate, some executive at TLC would have realized their actions and thought maybe instead of ending a marriage and ruining 8 children's lives, I don't know, maybe go to counseling and work on it!

I don't know, maybe they did, maybe they tried to work on it. But I highly doubt it. The last couple shows was ridiculous to watch two grown adults do everything in their POWER to ignore each other. I mean, who is the adult in this situation???

Both of those two claimed and claimed and claimed they were doing everything for the best for their children. Really?? Really?? I guess I just don't see it. It just infuriates me that those two are so concerned with their status with America, rather than looking inward and concerning themselves with the well-being of their family.

I watched the show from day one and LOVED it! I loved watching this family who seemed so real and honest. Kate was VERY annoying, but Jon and her seemed to balance each other out. However, last season, I noticed a change in her. She seemed more concerned with herself and the whole dynamic seemed to shift. Once they moved to the new house, I just didn't like her anymore. She is NOT the same woman who showed her dog jowl stomach to the world. I'm sorry I'm sure I'm upsetting some people, but this just really turks me off. My husband and I would give ANYTHING to have a family and keep them protected and loved while there is one family who at one time wanted the same thing and is throwing it away. For what? Fame? I won't be watching anymore. I pray that the Gosselin children come through this unharmed and someone starts to really look out for them!!!!

Jun 22, 2009

Here I go...The ABCs

Okay, I am going to attempt to do the ABCs of me to introduce myself to the ICLW world! Here I go...

A- Adoption, I'm beginning to wonder if this is what God is challenging us to do?

B- Baby, obviously trying really hard to have one!

C- Christmas, my favorite holiday and time of year. I swear everyone is nicer and then it's all over. I wish it could last all year long!

D- Debt, trying to pay it all off so that hubby and I can afford to have a child, either through IVF or adoption."

E- Endurance, through infertility, we have gained a lot of endurance and I know we are better people because of it.

F- Family, it is extremely important to me. Even though they can sometimes drive you crazy, they make you who you are. I can't wait to add to ours.

G- God, I have learned that without him, there is no hope and He will get us through this.

H- Hawaii, my husband and I went last year and I can't WAIT to go back!!

I- Insurance, I hate insurance. Ours won't cover ANYTHING.

J- Jesse, my husband, my soul-mate, my best friend, I love him!

K- Karaoke, I LOVE watching others do this, but need to have a TON of liquid courage to do myself! :)

L- Low sperm count, this is something we are dealing with. UGH!

M- Music, I love listening to music and relating to it, listening to the words and really taking it all in.

N- New Kids on the Block, I loved them as a child and had a new spark with seeing them in concert TWICE in the past 10 months! :)

O- Oatmeal and Raisin cookies, my fave!! YUM!

P- Peanut, my little cuddle bud dog who I adore.

R- Reading, I love to read and unwind. I have done a much better job this year of actually reading books during the school year!

S- Sparty, my first furbaby who is the best dog in the world!

T- Teaching, my passion in life. Thank goodness for summers though! :)

U- United, Jesse and I have never been more united spiritually or emotionally. One of the "blessings" of infertility.

V- Vegetables, I LOVE them. I especially like broccoli, green beans and green peppers yum!

W- Wonder, I often wonder why God chooses the people he does to deal with infertility. I wonder what else we are supposed to learn, but I have hope and faith.

X- eXercise, it is my true stress relief and way for me to unwind and feel good about myself.

Y- Yoga, I love to do yoga. It's so relaxing and peaceful. I wish I could do it more often.

Z- Zero, the number of times I've been pregnant!


Hello ICLW! This is my second month doing this and I love it! It's so nice to meet all these wonderful, amazing people who are so supportive and understanding. I will post more later, I'm planning on doing the ABC thing, wish me luck! But right now, I've got to go get ready for my doc appointment and I'm going to see Baby Abbie again today. YIPPEE!! :)

Jun 20, 2009


Okay, I have literally spent the last THREE hours trying to redo my blog. I am a little anal retentive, ask my teaching partner Cindy. Anytime I set my mind to doing something (rearranging the room, photo albums, etc.) I will not be happy until I am done. Hence why the last three hours of my life have been frustrating, and upsetting. I will never get that time back. Well, now I am somewhat satisfied with my new blog look, but I am still struggling to figure out how to get sidebars on BOTH sides of my posts. So, if anyone can help me with that, you will save me more hours wasted sitting in front of this %$#@ computer! :)

So, those who know me know that I have changed my look and also changed the title of this blog. When I started my blog a few years ago, I did it to be in touch with my cousin who had started her blog. At the time, I thought it would be a place for me just to shoot the shit on here. Lately, as you know, it has turned into more of a therapy for me with dealing with my infertility. My new title is my outlook on our battle with infertility. As much as I try to make things happen faster, there is really nothing I can do...it's all in His hands and on His timing.

Although this concept hasn't COMPLETELY sunk in and I will not deny I have my moments, I'm more peaceful and calm when I just let it go and leave it to Him. I am doing all I can on my part, but ultimately, when and if it ever happens, it will because of God and His power.

Okay, now I'm off to the gym. Seriously though, if anyone can help with with the sidebar issue, please send some help! I know I will come home after a stress relieving work-out to sit back here and "figure" it out. You can comment me the answer or email me mmproper@yahoo.com Your help would be more than appreciated!!! Thanks girls! :)

Jun 19, 2009


I have been meaning to post this for awhile, but for some reason haven't gotten around to it. There has been a surplus of my blogger friends finally achieving BFP and I wanted to take a couple minutes to congratulate them.

Kami- is pregnant with two little "smurfs." She had her first ultrasound and heard both heartbeats. Both babies are measuring perfectly.

Ashley is pregnant and has experienced some ups and downs throughout the beginning of her pregnancy.

Dawn experienced the joy of finding out she was pregnant on a milestone birthday after a long time trying to conceive and many miscarriages.

A few good sperm is pregnant with twins too!! :)

All these women are IFers and although they have experienced the joys of becoming pregnant, they all have the fear of something bad happening. Please keep them in your prayers. They won't "relax" until their little bundles of joy make their healthy grand entrance. Congrats girls!! I'm so happy for all of you!! LOVE YOU!!
My really good friend had her baby girl last Friday and I went to see her in the hospital. Here are some pics from my first meeting with Abbie. I can't wait to see her again soon!!

Jun 15, 2009


Well today is Jesse's appointment. I am so scared, nervous, hopeful... I could go on. I know, at this point, there is nothing more we can do. It's all in His hands. I'm praying and praying and praying that when he goes today things are better than they have been in the past. We probably won't make it back til next week to get the results and talk about our next step. So, ladies, if you would please, say a prayer for us today that things go well. I would grately appreciate it. I'm trying so hard to be positive. Ahhhh!!! Okay, thanks!

Peanut had a much better night last night. She is still not moving around too much. She cuddled herself way down under the covers last night and around midnight when I woke up sweating my butt off, she was down at my feet still panting her poor butt off. She must've been so hot. I got her some ice and some water, she finally laid next to me and fell asleep. She would periodically wake up and pant again, and then I would pet her and she would calm down again. I just took her out and she went potty and is sitting on the patio with Sparto. If you have any extra prayers, please say one for my Pea. I hope she's feeling better soon!

THANKS!!! :)

Jun 14, 2009

My Poor, Poor Pea

My little Peanut got hurt on Friday. She and Sparty were running around like crazies on Friday while I was in the shower. I could hear them pounding up and down the stairs and running amok. Jesse was in the other bathroom going potty, then I heard my Pea yelp. Jesse said she was fine, she hurt her leg. NO biggie. So I checked her out and it seemed like her leg was hurt.

I went to school, visited a friend who had just had her baby and rushed home to see my poor furbaby. She was not doing well. She came to the stairs and just laid there until I carried her down. She went outside, did her business and then hid behind the end table. This is NOT like my baby because she always wants to be near me and she was hiding. When I found her, I brought her into the living room where I was folding clothes. She was shaking so bad. I called Jess and he told me to take her to the vet if that's what I thought needed to be done.

So, I did. The vet said that he thinks it's just a muscle strain and prescribed an anti-inflammatory and told me to keep giving her the muscle relaxers we had started giving her. SO, that's what I did and then went to watch the Wings. (UGH, they lost!)

She seemed okay. Saturday morning, I gave her the medicine and we left for our family reunion. When we got back late last night, she was awful. She was panting, her nose was on fire and she wouldn't move. I kept telling Jess something was wrong, but he kept telling me there was nothing we could do til morning (it was 2 am.) SO I laid there with Pea between us shaking uncontrollably and panting so bad. She kept breathing these rapid, shallow breaths. I turned on my reading lamp and her eyes were just so desperate. I kept telling her I loved her and in the morning I would make her better. I felt so helpless. I was so afraid we were going to lose her. She just seemed that lethargic and in that much pain.

Finally around 4am, I fell asleep because she did. I took her in a few hours ago and the vet said that he thinks it's her back based on what I told him and what he saw. Nothing showed up on the x-ray though. He gave her some steroids, they are supposed to work better and another medication.

She is sleeping right next to me now and seems a little better. I have to give her the steroid at dinner time, so hopefully this evening or tomorrow she will be feeling even better. The vet said this won't be a permanent thing, but I've never been so scared. She is my little cuddle bud and I love her (and SParty) so darn much. It amazes me how much an animal can be a part of your family.

Jun 6, 2009

Thank you!!!

Hi girls!! You are all so wonderful. Thanks for all your support and encouragement. It was a pretty lousy week, but I got through it with the help of all you! You are all the best "friends" I could ever have. I try to talk with my friends about it, but they don't understand. They try to bless their hearts, but they truly don't understand and will never understand unless they have walked a mile in infertile shoes.

There is a light at the end of my tunnel and it is called SUMMER VACATION!!! :) WOOOO HOOOO!! I'm almost there. Three and a half more days! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!

Well, I've got to finish up my report cards AND I'm starting something new this year, I'm going to put a note in each child's report card summarizing the year, how they did, what they need to work on, etc. Wish me luck! :) It'll be a LONG weekend!

Thanks again!!!! You all are truly a blessing!!!

Jun 2, 2009

Do me a favor...

If you don't like what I write about, how I feel or what I say. Don't read it. I have been going through this hard time for over 5 years and I don't need you, whoever you are, trying to knock me down. Seriously, if you felt so inspired to comment "anonymous" commenter, why didn't you leave your name?

Nothing I wrote about called anyone out and I didn't write anything that would offend strangers, so I'm left wondering who would've made that anonymous comment? Not so anonymous now is it?!