May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Those 3 words can either brighten your day and touch your heart or slice your heart in two. Each Mother's Day, I imagine and think that this will be the last childless one. Each year, I imagine myself on that day, my first one, with my baby in tow. I'm no longer doing that because it's too painful. Who knows when that time will come and I can't keep living like that.

It's a day to celebrate, for some of us, it's a day to feel sorrow for something we don't have. People at church with nothing but the best intentions, kept telling me, "Happy Mother's Day!" I obviously didn't have a child with me, but I'm sure they assumed, this woman is in her late 20s, here is her husband, they're coming to church, their children MUST be in the kids program. With each well wish from a stranger, Jesse gripped my hand a little tighter. Knowing full well that my smile and gracious, "thank you," was all a front. Inside it hurt to know that others know that being a mother is where MOST people are when they are my age. That's not my destiny, at least not yet.

I have a lot to be thankful for...I am a mother to two pups who depend on me and love me like a child would love their mother AND I do have two godchildren who I thank the Lord for.

However, despite this, when the pastor had all the mothers stand up to get a blessing, I stayed in my seat. In my opinion, I'm not the mother that I want to be, wish to be and pray to be. There's something more for me. I might not be a mother yet, and I don't know if it will be next year either, but I do know that one day, some way, some how...I will be a mother.

Happy Mother's Day out there to all of you mothers, wanting to be mothers and everyone in between...our time will come!


Christina said...

I'm keeping you in my prayers. You will be some day!!!!

Stacey said...

Thanks for this, Michelle. I know what a hard day it can be.

You are a woman with a mother's heart, and so I honor you for Mother's Day!

dawn said...

hugs to you michelle!

i was in a very melancholy mood yesterday. thankful to be with my mother on mother's day, but sad about the mc and my 'chance' at motherhood. however, i didn't express it to anyone...i don't think there are many out there who understand unless they have been through it.

our time will come one day.