Jul 26, 2009

Debbie Downer

I'm so sorry I feel like I've been such a Debbie Downer for this month's ICLW. But, I'm just struggling. I have cried at some point of the day for the last few days. I can't help it, I can't explain it, I can't stop it. I guess this is healing?

Today church was a little painful. The focus is on parenting. I knew that prior to going, but figured I could do it. I did fine, except for the videos and pictures. Seriously, I can't help but wonder when our time will come. I sat with my head on Jesse's shoulder the whole time and he simply wrote down on the program "another test."

I hate that. I know that God keeps testing us, but why? Seriously when do we finally pass the dumb test?! How much more can we endure? What does He want us to do? When will He tell us His plan? Obviously OUR plan is not working and we need some help. I have been praying and praying and praying. I have been asking for Him to help us do His will, open doors that will get us there and close doors that need to be closed. I don't know what I'm listening for.

I'm just so confused and hurt. I want so desperately to be pregnant and do the thing that a woman is supposed to do. But I'm really trying to evaluate if that matters. Does it? Will it? I don't know. I'm in such a bad place right now and I'm trying with all my might to get out of this place, but I feel like I'm in quick sand. Where do I go? What do I do?

This feeling hasn't been with me this long before and I hate it. I'm so glad I have all of you to support me and help me. I can't imagine what I'd be like without you. I'm hanging in there, I'll get up, I always do, just really hard this time...

21 comments:

just me, dawn said...

sending you a big hug. I think you are doing well with a very hard situation....we are only human after all, you are allowed to have bad days. ((hugs))

BB said...

A warm hug your way! I can tell you are strong and will get through this is a better and stronger person! I am praying for things to fall in place for you!

Kelli said...

Hugs and prayers for you! I've been there...and I feel like I'm starting to go there again, especially if this month brings another BFN. I would give you advice, but I'm sure you've heard it all before...just keep doing what you're doing and God will do the rest!

Hillary said...

Some weeks are just harder than others... :( I'm sorry your in a difficult stretch, and I hope God blessing you with some joy very soon. Thinking of you!

makingmemom.blogspot.com

Courtney said...

I'm praying for you. I know that God has great plans for you and your hubby and I pray that He will reveal those plans and direct you down the path He has set for you. Hang in there! You WILL get through this.

Meant to be a mom said...

I'm praying for you I truly am. I said a very special long prayer in church today for all my blog girls that are struggling. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do and there is nothing wrong with the emotions that your going through. All I can say and it won't help at all is keep praying and putting your faith in God and know that we are all praying for you and believe that your going to experience parenthood and don't give up. It will happen somehow someway. Praying for you!!

Michelle said...

I struggle with this all the time. I wonder why I am being tested when so many others can have a baby without thinking. It is so hard and so frustrating. I wish there was something we could do or say that would just make it happen or all better but unfortunately there does not seem to be. Hopefully one day all this waiting will be worth it and our dreams will come true!

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

((HUGS))

bendingbackwards said...

Sending you a hug. I wish I had answers but I have questions.

Stopping by for an ICLW visit...
No. 95: The Unfair Struggle (male-factor infertility, good friends, neighborhood rumblings)

Beautiful Mess said...

Happy ICLW!

Please know that I'm thinking about you right now and am sending you lots of love and peace. I wish I had answers for you or a direction for you to go, but I don't. All I can do is support you the best way I know how.
*HUGS*

twondra said...

Oh sweetie, I have tears in my eyes reading this. I wish we were neighbors so we could get together with a box of Kleenex and a big carton of cream. We're all here for you sweetie and love you!!! (((HUGS)))

Just Another Infertile said...

Hi Michelle,

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. These are really tought decisions you have to make.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but I am a little surprised that your RE is having you turn to donor sperm without even having tried IVF with ICSI. As I told you before, my DH has severe (very severe) MFI. ICSI worked for us. I know every situation is different and sometimes you can't compare. I'm not trying to tell you to try something that isn't going to work. I'm just surprised they haven't gone over other options with you to have a biological child with your husband.

Have you followed Conceive This by Murgdan? Her husband is dealing with severe MFI as well. They are getting ready to have a FET.

Have you followed Hoping for Hoberts? Her husband had zero sperm count but they used TETSE (I think that's the acronym) and they found two sperm and she just gave birth to twins. I know this procedure will be more expensive for you.

Both these links can be found on my blog.

All I'm saying is, if you want to exhaust all opportunities before you turn to donor sperm or adoption, there might be some more things you can look in to.

Please feel free to set me straight by commenting on my blog. I just want to be helpful if I can.

Amber said...

hugs and prayers for you. I so know how you feel its a tough road and so tough to wait for his will to be done but I know there is a perfect plan:)

Brandy said...

Hi there, sorry you're going through such a rough time. I was at a very low point a few weeks ago. The antidpressants have helped a lot.

I'm not a particularly religious person, but a friend of mine told me something that struck a chord with me and actually made me feel a bit better. She said, "the universe is unfolding as it should". We're not in control, no matter how much we think we are. It's very freeing to let go of that control. We do what we can, but in the end, the universe will unfold as it should. Who knows why we are the ones who have to go through this? It seems so cruel. I don't really think that things happen for a reason, but I know that when we come out on the other side we will be stronger and better for what we have endured.

P.S. No offense meant to anyone who believes differently than me!

Rebekah said...

I just found your blog today...Your story sounds very similar to ours.
Have you received the horomone test results? (I'm surprised anyone talked about DS before ordering hormone tests)
From what you've described, it sounds like azoospermia, but there are 2 kinds, my DH has the non-obstructive kind, which is harder to have success with. Basically our only option for bio kids is a TESE (which is actually removing a tissue sample to look for swimmers - not an aspiration) with which we have a 40% of finding anything, then its IVF with ICSI. The horomone levels for your DH could indicate that he IS producing and may have a blockage...? And if so, MESA or TESA can be options to do in conjunction with IVF and ICSI. Does your urologist specialize in infertility? We were all over the map until we saw an expert.
Sorry to write a novel here, but I really hope you can find some answers to help guide you...

Prayers for hope :)

Lisa RM said...

{hugs}

Stacey said...

Hey Michelle, I'm so sorry you've been having a rough time lately. Sometimes it's hard to trudge through and pick yourself up, but I know you are a strong woman! This is a very difficult road to walk, but know that you are not alone.

Praying for you tonight, friend.

Christina said...

Lots of hugs for you!

Courtney said...

You have an award on my blog!

www.growingtheyerkesfamily.blogspot.com

BB said...

Hope you are feeling better! You have an award waiting on my blog!

Hannah said...

What you are feeling, many of us can relate. Sometimes I have to ask myself, 'What is it that the Lord is trying to teach us?' And I still don't have an answer to that question. The trial is always hard, but the blessings that come out of it will be worth it.

Hang in there! Praying for you!

sarah m said...

Just found your blog and wanted to say hi! Infertility and the decisions associated with it are SO hard...but it does draw you closer to God in a way I never imagined! Best of luck to you as you deal with all of this. :)