May 18, 2011


Thank you doesn't even seem like enough to say to all of you who supported me and lifted me up!!  There were many first time commenters that really made me think and helped me.  I cannot begin to tell you how much all your comments meant to me!

Ever since Mother's Day, God has been working to show me his love!  Infertility is not a fun thing at all.  It makes you question a lot of things and never take happiness for granted.  we went to our counselor on Wednesday of last week and that helped me a lot!  It got Jesse and I on level ground on this subject.  Jesse could not see how I can believe in God and have all these doubts.

Through our discussions, I know that my void is a God void.  I know what's missing in my life cannot be filled with a child and even if and when we are blessed with a child, I will still have that void.  I'm working on filling that void with God.  He's been working on me too.

Thursday we had an assembly that is always some type of character growth assembly.  This year I felt the assembly was made completely for me.  At one point a song came on and they were singing Believing in Miracles!  WOW!  Then they talked about not doubting yourself and speaking negatively, like I can't do this, I'm bad at that.  I can't remember all the details of the assembly, but I came home and told Jesse that God was talking to me.

Then, at church on Sunday, the whole topic was about God's love.  It spoke of the story of the woman at the well and that although she didn't feel worthy, God loved her.  I'm seeing it, slowly, but surely.

Infertility sucks and some days are better than others.  I know God has a plan for me, I know he loves me and I know that I have work to do on my journey with him.  It isn't all roses and sunshine.  The roses have thorns, and sunshine can burn, but I'm not going to focus on that.  I have a God who loves me and is trying to teach me something along this journey.  I want to come out on the other side a better person.  So, I'm willing to listen and do my best to change.

Thanks for joining me through my ups and downs.  It's nice to know there are so many others out there who feel the feelings, know the pain, confusion and uncertainty.  Thanks!

May 9, 2011

Loved? Not So Sure...

I've been rumbling with this post for a long time.  I knew how I felt in my heart, but couldn't express the words to make it coherent.  I hope that I am able to do that.  I know my words might offend some people.  That is not my intention.  These are my true feelings and I'm hoping some of you stronger Christians can walk me through this.

I have struggled with my faith for a long time.  Being raised Catholic (I'm just speaking from my experience) I was taught, you go to church, you follow the rules, you pray, you ask for forgiveness and try to be your best everyday.  That makes a good Catholic and good things will happen.

Along my journey I learned that this wasn't the true case.  Faith wasn't a follow the rules and good things will happen to you kind of thing.  Faith is having a relationship with God daily and knowing God is there.  I slowly, very slowly, began to see my faith bloom.  I researched my doubts and I came up with God is real, Jesus is real.

I also learned that being a Christian and praying and repenting doesn't mean that good things happen all the time.  Because of this, I tried to embrace our infertility as a "blessing."  And, for the most part, I did.  I knew that it is what brought Jesse and me closer, it, ironically enough, saved our marriage.  It helped me search for my faith and in turn, brought Jesse to Christ.  These are amazing things.  My thoughts went from believe?  To BELIEVE!

I began to spend morning time alone with God asking him what I should do, how to get through all the pain.  I asked him to make his intentions known to me and I swear I heard him say adopt!  I felt like he was clobbering me with adopt!  So, as much as I didn't want to, I began to obey.  We looked into it, we researched it, we signed with an agency that we both felt was right for us.  I thought that because I listened, He would provide.

Now, I know it hasn't been THAT long.  Six months since we've been official, but I honestly thought that because God was telling me/us to adopt, it would just happen.  You all have heard of the stories of the couples that turned in their paperwork and literally a month later, had a baby.  I thought that would be us!  I had the faith and the belief that God would provide.

As the months and years drag on, I'm doubting God's love for me.  Does he love me?  I'm not so sure?  I feel like I am trying my best to follow him.  I have given up some of MY issues.  I don't even care if I get pregnant anymore.  Would it be nice?  Yes.  Is it everything to me?  No.  Do I want to be a Mom to a baby?  YES!  That's all I want.  I don't feel like I'm asking for a lot here.  I've given up dreams that meant a lot to me.  I don't think I could ever give up the dream of being a Mom.

Jesse asked me last night, if it never happens, would I be enough.  I love him with all my heart, he is my best friend, my soulmate, my lover, my everything.  I love my life with him, but how can he fill the hole in my heart that only being a mom can fill?  I don't know...As I type this I know that only God can fill that hole, but how?

I know it's all about his timing...Geez, that's the name of my blog.  It's just I'm beginning to doubt his love.  I feel like I have changed and done a lot to work on my heart, my intentions and my issues and I feel like he doesn't care!

I'm beginning to question everything.  Was God really telling me to adopt?  Should we pursue embryo again?  Should I just give up?  And how do I give up my dreams of being a Mom?  Is God telling me that I would be a horrible Mom?  I have no idea.  I'm very saddened.  I believe with all my heart that he is there, he listens, he provides, he can do anything.  But I really don't know if he loves me!  Isn't that sad?

May 8, 2011


This perfectly sums it all up!  Thanks Megan for sharing!!


May 7, 2011

Wasn't So Bad...Thanks

I just got back from the shower.  Thank you for all the prayers.  I was expecting to have a harder time due to the nature of tomorrow!

I think all your prayers worked.  It was a great time being there for my friend.

One hard day done, one to go!!  Can I just sleep through tomorrow??

Prayers PLEASE!!

I'm not doing well right now and have to get ready for one of my best friend's baby showers.  Please pray for peace today and tomorrow!

May 3, 2011

What Did I Do Now?!

I can't say too much right now, but man...How do I get myself into these situations??  I'll tell more when I know what's going to happen for sure.  You guys aren't going to believe this one!  Oh, my!

If You Read My Post @ My Run...Check This Out

Okay, this is too weird...Be careful, you might cry!

May 1, 2011

I DID IT!! All 13.2 Miles of It!

I have said for a long time that I wanted to run a marathon.  The more I talked about it, the more I realized that might be a little too crazy.  So, then I decided that I wanted to run a half marathon.  I talked and talked about doing one.  When we got to the point of just waiting for our adoption to progress, I decided that I needed to begin training and give my mind something challenging to concentrate on since thinking about our adoption 24 hours a day wasn't doing me any good.

Low and behold, when I told a friend back in January about my decision, she informed me there was a half marathon in Mt. Clemens (about a half hour from here) at the end of April.  So for the next 3 and a half months, I trained as much as I could.  It was sometimes a big pain in my butt, yet I knew when I accomplished this, I would be so proud of myself.

That was then.

Yesterday was the race.  I did it!  All 13.2 miles.  Yes, a normal half marathon is 13.1, but this one, for whatever reason, was .2.  I was pretty nervous, but really excited to actually be doing one of my lifelong goals.

The weather was sunny, a little chilly, but nice overall.  The first 9 miles were pretty easy.  When I got to mile 10, my running friend and I were both getting tired and sluggish.  We kept encouraging each other.  It was also around mile 10, when I started to get really emotional.  As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, this race symbolized a lot of our journey with infertility and adoption.

At mile 10, I wanted to stop.  I was so close, but I just wanted to be done.  As I was running, I kept thinking about where we are in our adoption journey.  I kept on running.  It made me think that I had traveled all this way and the end was in sight.  Only a few more miles and I would be done.  Although I don't know where we are in the grand scheme of things, and I obviously don't know where or how our baby journey will end.  I have to believe the end is in sight.  I have to believe if I keep running, I will get to that finish as well.  All these thoughts are going through my head at this time.

I kept running.  Despite the pain, despite the fact that I literally had a huge cramp in my rear, despite the fact I just wanted to be done!  I kept running.  I cried a little, but I kept on running.

At about mile 12, I really was hurting.  Then this girl came out of nowhere in a red t-shirt that said on the back, "I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me."--Philippians 4:13.  I saw that I instantly got a little recharge. I started praying that God would give me the strength to finish.  I began to pick up my pace after that.

A short while later, I looked up and saw Jesse on the side of the road.  Cheering me on.  (He had done the relay with a friend and had already finished.  He came to support us close to the finish.)  I really began to tear up when I saw him.  He shouted that we had a little way to go and that I could do it.  I kept running.

Shortly before I saw Jesse, a song came on.  A song that means a lot to me.  A song that when I'm feeling down, helps me to see that looking up is the only way.  "Up," by Shania Twain came on my ipod.  I pushed through the pain and kept thinking UP is the only way to look.  UP is the only way to depend and no matter how down I feel, UP is the answer.  I dug deep, took a deep breath and finished that race running toward my baby.  

I don't know how much longer I have on my infertility/adoption journey, but I do know I have come a long way and each step brings me closer.  So despite the pain I feel, despite the length of time I have been "running" this race.  Despite wanting to give up at times, I will keep on running and one day, I will finish the race.

Here's an old post I posted about the song.