Jul 18, 2009

wii Fun and the Day After

I had such a great time yesterday. I went over my aunt and uncle's house to hang out and go on the boat. However, due to Michigan's non-summerlike weather, the boat was out of the question. So, I spent most of the time playing with my cousins.

We pulled out the wii and I had a blast! My 3 year old cousin, Jacob, was cracking me up playing ping-pong. I think I have a bruise on my right arm from his darn controller. We played wii fit and I got to do some hula hooping and yoga. Man, I think I'm going to put one of those things on my birthday wish list. I had a blast.

I talked with my aunt a lot about what we're going through. It's so nice to have her because she has been there and knows what I'm feeling. We had some good discussions.

Today, I'm feeling horrible though. I think it's because I read this article that says in order to get pregnant, there needs to be a half-a million sperm to even allow the sperm to get there and penetrate. I feel so dumb. I've been living on the blind hope that "it only takes one!" Dumb me!

I don't know what to do. I feel like I want to try sperm donor, but is that just me being selfish? I mean I know how hard that would be for Jesse, but at the same point, not being pregnant ever is something I just can't fathom or imagine. I don't think it's such a hard thing to ask for. It's the most natural thing that a husband and wife could do, but not us. It sucks!

The hardest part is I was so sure God was talking to me a couple weeks ago. I thought he was telling me it was okay, you'll be pregnant, you'll know what it's like to be a woman, but obviously I was wrong! I know there's options, but I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. I'm afraid of wasting tons of money. I'm afraid that if I say, "let's adopt," I'm giving up on the dream of being a pregnant mom. I'm just so sad today. It came out of nowhere and I hate it!

I feel like I don't know how to listen to what God is telling me?! What do I do? What do I do? And even more importantly, how do I deal with it? I hate this. I hate infertility, I hate that good people have to feel these horrible, raging emotions. I don't know...

Today I feel like putting every single infertility book I own up for sale and get them out of this house. I'm so sick of dealing with this crap. Seriously, I have about 10 books and not one has helped. Finding books on donor sperm is next to impossible. I just need a sign, God, please speak to me! I need your help!!!!


Hillary said...

I'm so sorry -- I wish I could just give you a big hug right now. These fears and decisions are SO HARD!

You may have already read this book, but one I recommend that does have a section on donor sperm/eggs is The Infertility Companion by Sandra Glahn (and another person -- I don't remember his name). It is a Christian book written by a professor at a seminary who dealt with IF and a Christian RE. It discusses different aspects of infertility and treatments and lists the pros and cons of those "gray areas" from a Biblical perspective.

Thinking of you.


Dagny said...

Glad you had fun.

As for the donor sperm business, I have to say this.

My eggs are bad. They are the reason we will never have a child. If Al asked me to use an egg donor I'd be crushed. I know thats silly, but it's how it would be. So be gentle with hubby, though I know you will be.

I wish this road wasn't so hard for you. :(


Ashley said...

I'm sorry honey! This may sound stupid but IVF only take 1 sperm...I even say a documentary where the man didn't produce sperm but the doctor got some tissue from his testicles and found 1 or 2 sperm and it was enough to fertilize the egg. Is there any hope for IVF??? I will be praying for you!!

Michelle said...

Thanks Dags! The more I'm reading about it, the more I think it's just not possible. I don't think I could ever do that?!

Lori said...

So sorry to heat that you have had a rough day. I agree with you on so many things that you stated. I think infertility takes away that special time when you are wanting to conceive and it turns it into a nightmare. I do not want to remember all the hard times we went through to conceive our child, when I think of our baby (if we ever have one). I do know when the baby would come all the negative would disappear, but still it's that thought of why can't it just be simple and wonderful. Then other times I think, well it will be so much more great and mirculous with every passing day. But that still does not take away the pain and the heartache! I hope and pray that you will find peace, and keep in mind that the Lord can work miracles with even just one sperm!!!

Christina said...

Oh wow! That Wii Fit sounds like fun!! I would have loved to witness that!

Gosh, i don't know what to tell you since I just don't know EXACTLY how you are feeling since I've never been through this but all I CAN say in general-applicable to many different situations- is that you have to move forward. You have to make a choice and move forward. I understand all of your concerns but you just have to take a step and deal with the outcome-good or bad. So many people don't even have any control in something that happens, but in this specific situation, you can and have a little control and you can make something happen. Whatever you choose to do, whatever the outcome, you guys are going to handle it like champs. I KNOW IT!!!

I hate giving advice because I haven't been through this so I have to relate it to something else which to me is nowhere near as serious as this but I hope my general advice helps a teeny bit!!

Love you!

twondra said...

Oh sweetie, I've spoken some of your very words. We had to choose donor sperm and it was one of the hardest decisions for my hubby. And finding out we had to use donor eggs was really hard for me. But in the end all we really wanted was a baby. But, it took A LOT of growing and a lot of tears to get to that point.

if you need to talk, I'm here. I do know from a spouse point of view and a personal point of view. I also have a letter from a friend of mine whose husband produced no sperm and they had to use donor sperm and it really, really helped my husband. I can definitely send that to you if you want.

Always, always, always here for you. (((HUGS)))

Jenny and Brett said...

Thank you for your comment on my blog. I am glad to know that I am able to help others in some little way with their infertility trials. I think the hardest part about everything is having patience that God is hearing your prayers, but you may be asking for the wrong thing. Or he might have plans for you in the near future, but you just have to have patience. I think if you could see a little glimps of the light at the end of the tunnel while you are going through something, you'd be able to press on with no problem.
Adoption has blessed my life imensley. When I look back at my ultimate goal, it was to be a mom. It would have been nice if I could have just had my babies on my own, but that isn't possible. I am just so glad that there are other ways out there to make me a mother. One thing about adoption though, it doesn't cure infertility. You still will have good months and bad months, good years and bad years. At times you will still feel broken, but at those times I just have to look at my children and think how lucky I am to be a mom. There's also something about adoption that is so much more special. I can see God's hand in delivering both of my children to me. They both have really special stories. I feel so lucky to have my stories. Other couples who just have sex and get pregnant don't have the special stories that I have! My stories are a confirmation that God does love me and he knows what's best for me.
Good luck with your journey- whatever path you decide to take. Once you hold your child in your arms (how ever they may come) you will look back at this part of your life with gratitude. You will feel stronger because of the things you have had to endure. YOu will have a deeper love for your child because of the pain and suffering you went through. It's hard to accept it now, but it will all be worth it in the end.

Katie said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I am sorry your good day was followed by a horrible day. I hope today is better.

Kacy said...

Following up to Ashley's comment, the doctor's name is Sherman Silver. He is in St. Louis, Missouri if you were at all interested.

I know this may not be of any interest or help to you, but I thought I might share an IF experience in my family.

My cousin and her DH were Dx with severe male factor. He didn't even have the gene to produce sperm. He was devastated and didn't want to have a sperm donor or even adopt. They had a rough go, but finally made it through and decided to use sperm from a family member. It made her husband feel better that their babies could still be of similar genes.

The situation isn't ideal for everyone. Nothing is easy in this IF world.


Melissa G said...

Gosh I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. I completely unbderstand the guilt that comes with wanting to choose DS. It took us a good five months AND counseling to finally be able to move forward with it. Our clinic keeps a counselor on staff. She specializes in IF, third party conception and adoption. You may want to ask your clinic if they can refer you to someone. It made a world of difference for us.

Also to add to your collection of books. There is: "Helping The Stork" it is ALL about DS. It was very helpful to both of us.

I have talked online with many women who've chosen DS and they say once that baby is in your arms, you don't care WHOSE dna it has - because that baby was meant for you AND your husband. I know it's hard...

If you'd like to talk, or just have questions you can email me at Mrsgriff027@yahoo.com


Suzy said...

Hi from ICLW. It was kind of nice for me to find your blog on the list because my hubby and I are both Christians and deal with mfi. We have tried donor sperm in the past but my PCOS and endometrosis didn't help out much. I have really struggled with donor sperm and being a Christian. It's like a big secret you carry around.

I'm like you. I always hope for that one sperm that makes a difference!

Not a Fertile Myrtle