wii Fun and the Day After

I had such a great time yesterday. I went over my aunt and uncle's house to hang out and go on the boat. However, due to Michigan's non-summerlike weather, the boat was out of the question. So, I spent most of the time playing with my cousins.

We pulled out the wii and I had a blast! My 3 year old cousin, Jacob, was cracking me up playing ping-pong. I think I have a bruise on my right arm from his darn controller. We played wii fit and I got to do some hula hooping and yoga. Man, I think I'm going to put one of those things on my birthday wish list. I had a blast.

I talked with my aunt a lot about what we're going through. It's so nice to have her because she has been there and knows what I'm feeling. We had some good discussions.

Today, I'm feeling horrible though. I think it's because I read this article that says in order to get pregnant, there needs to be a half-a million sperm to even allow the sperm to get there and penetrate. I feel so dumb. I've been living on the blind hope that "it only takes one!" Dumb me!

I don't know what to do. I feel like I want to try sperm donor, but is that just me being selfish? I mean I know how hard that would be for Jesse, but at the same point, not being pregnant ever is something I just can't fathom or imagine. I don't think it's such a hard thing to ask for. It's the most natural thing that a husband and wife could do, but not us. It sucks!

The hardest part is I was so sure God was talking to me a couple weeks ago. I thought he was telling me it was okay, you'll be pregnant, you'll know what it's like to be a woman, but obviously I was wrong! I know there's options, but I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. I'm afraid of wasting tons of money. I'm afraid that if I say, "let's adopt," I'm giving up on the dream of being a pregnant mom. I'm just so sad today. It came out of nowhere and I hate it!

I feel like I don't know how to listen to what God is telling me?! What do I do? What do I do? And even more importantly, how do I deal with it? I hate this. I hate infertility, I hate that good people have to feel these horrible, raging emotions. I don't know...

Today I feel like putting every single infertility book I own up for sale and get them out of this house. I'm so sick of dealing with this crap. Seriously, I have about 10 books and not one has helped. Finding books on donor sperm is next to impossible. I just need a sign, God, please speak to me! I need your help!!!!