Dec 27, 2011


Soooooo excited!!  But a little nervous and annoyed.  We just got a call from our adoption worker that our birthmom FINALLY has her court date.  It's set for January 20th at 2pm. I was hoping it would've been sooner, but I have faith that God will provide and everything will be okay.  I just read a blogger who wrote "Let your faith be bigger than your fear."  That will be my mantra for the next month or so!


Dec 26, 2011

November 21, 2011 Part 3

Sorry it has taken me so long to complete this story.  With the holidays and all the craziness of a newborn, life has been pretty hectic...but I'm NOT complaining!!!!!

So, we went home on Thanksgiving to have dinner with Jesse's family and for us to get some things done at home.  We knew that rounds were done at 9am each morning, but because they were so busy in the NICU, Jesse decided he'd go in to work and I would take the dogs for a walk and go to the gym while we waited.  I planned on calling the hospital around 11, just to give them time and to not be those parents!  But, as I was walking out the front door with the dogs, my cell phone rang.  It was a number with the Grand Rapids area code, so I answered.  It was the wonderful nurse, Ellen.  She had called to tell us that our dear, precious Emily was ready to go home.  I was beyond excited!  I told her we probably wouldn't be able to head up there until noon, so we wouldn't get there til probably 3 or so.

I walked out the door and nearly skipped the whole time walking the dogs.  (I did call Jesse before I left.)  Jesse came home around noon and we were off shortly after.  The drive there was agonizing.  I just couldn't wait to bring our baby girl home.

In a ride that seemed like forever, we FINALLY got there.  The adoption worker was there and we were allowed to change Emily into her outfit and feed her.  It took us some time, but after we did, we were allowed to leave.  My cousin and her family came to see Emily.  My little godson, Pete, was adorable.  He saw her and said, "hi, baby!"  When she didn't respond, he looked up at me with a look of disgust and said, "she doesn't talk?!"  We all laughed and explained to him that she would talk in time.

Ellen, by law, had to walk Emily out to the car and hand her to the adoption worker.  The adoption worker, then had to hand her to us!  We were beside ourselves with joy.  We took some pictures and took off on the longest journey yet...coming home!  I sat in the back seat to make sure our little peanut was okay.  Since it was nearly 6 pm by the time we left, it was dark, so every half hour or so, I'd ask Jesse to turn on the light so I could make sure that Emily was okay.

We had to stop at Target to pick up some more formula.  (We didn't realize the hospital gave us any, or we wouldn't have stopped on BLACK FRIDAY!)  It was pretty painless and we were back on the road.

We got home to Jesse's family waiting for us.  That night was amazing.  We didn't get much sleep and we set the alarm every 3 hours...DUMB!  But, we are first time parents, so we had to go through all the trials and errors on our own.

We were so happy to finally have our baby girl at home.  Where she belonged.  The dogs were instantly protective of her and wanted to be around her all the time.  It was a dream come true.

 This is Pete wearing his best!
 My cousin, Christina's family

 Getting ready for the ride home
 All safe and secure
 Emily and Grandma P
 Auntie Betty
 Auntie Mare Mare


Dec 8, 2011

November 21, 2011 Part 2

That night was insane.  Jesse was scrambling to get the car seat installed.  I began washing everything we had received already.  At around ten in the evening, my cousin texted me with go out on your porch.  I went out there to find a huge basket full of goodies.  My cousins who live an hour away rushed up to the store and bought us a ton of things for Emily.  I was so touched.  Another friend dropped off the bassinet for us to borrow.  It was such an amazing night.

Tuesday was rough.  I knew I had to go into work, but all I could think about was getting to Grand Rapids to see our daughter.  My sub came to school that day.  Bless her heart. It was such an insane day, she looked like a deer in headlights.  I had no time to prepare anything for her and I know I was so scattered.  I just kept saying, "Don't worry.  My teaching partner will help you!"

That day I had a publishing party with my students and parents.  I knew I had to share the news with them, but I was terrified.  I didn't know if they would be upset...I didn't care if they were, but I just didn't know what to expect.  So, I told them that we were chosen and that our baby was due December 8th, but we had no control over the due date and our daughter was born the night before.  When I said those words, the whole room gasped.  It was amazing.  I somehow held it together.  Parents were so supportive and caring.  A few parents rushed home to get me some essentials that I would need.  I have the best job ever!!

I called Dawn after the school day ended.  We weren't sure what the plan was.  Were we rushing up there that night?  Would we wait til Wednesday?  What?  What?  What?  Well, Dawn said the birth grandmother wanted to say good-bye to Emily and she was coming up after work on Tuesday and Theresa still hadn't been discharged.  We had set up a time to meet at the hospital on Wednesday at 1pm.

Tuesday night a couple really good friends, Adelaide and Stacie, came over to help get things organized.  They helped me finish get all the clothes ready, set up her room and just celebrate that our baby girl was born.  Another friend, who is a car seat engineer, Kimmy, came over to inspect the car seat and make sure we did it right.  I crashed on the couch as everyone was helping get things organized.

Wednesday morning was insane.  I got up and got ready.  Jess went out to run a few errands, so I passed the time cleaning the house.  Finally we left at about 9:30.  That drive was the LONGEST drive of my life.  I was on pins and needles.  I was so nervous.  I was afraid.  How would our daughter respond to us?  Would I be a terrible mother?  I had all these thoughts running through my brain, so I tried to silence them by reading, but nothing quite settled me.

We got there a little early and waited and waited and waited for Linda, the pregnancy counselor to arrive.  She, of course, was about 20 minutes late and when she walked in, she proceeded to tell us that never in her 23 years of doing this had she experienced this...the hospital was not going to release the baby to us because they had an adoption go bad recently and all the paperwork didn't have identifying information on it since it was a closed adoption.  The hospital worker had their lawyer in on it.  I was thinking, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME?!"  But, she said sign these papers and hopefully it will all go through.

All I could think was, "Can anything run smoothly for us in this process????"

We finally got up to see our little girl and she was an angel.  I immediately bent down to kiss her and the nurse handed her to me.  I had a smile the size of Texas.  All my fears faded as I held her for the first time.  She was our baby girl.  I was mesmerized!  Watching Jesse hold her was very emotional.  He never held a baby and seeing him hold Emily made it more real...this was happening.

We spent the whole day sitting with her and kissing her and holding her and loving her.  We also had to do some training things before she was allowed to leave with us.  So, I was all about getting our list crossed off!  We sat there all day.  We didn't leave at all. But, by 8ish, we were getting hungry.  So, we kissed our baby and told the nurses we'd be back in the morning.

We went to grab something to eat and then crashed at my cousin's house.  (She lived 10 minutes from the hospital.)  I texted Dawn about what the deal was with Emily being allowed to leave with us.  She called me back at 10 to talk.  I was so impressed.  She told us that everything was all set and when Emily was ready to go home, she would be going home with us!!!

I didn't sleep well that night.  All I could think about was Emily at the hospital and us not being there.  Morning couldn't come fast enough.  And when it did, I couldn't get to the hospital fast enough!!  When we got there, the doctor asked us where we stayed for the night and if we had any questions.  We were both very impressed with how nice he was.  He said they were running behind with the rounds, but they'd begin soon.  We went in and loved on our girl for awhile.  We learned from the day before and went down to grab some turkey to eat before the docs did the rounds.

When we came back, they told us that Emily would not be going home that day.  Her umbilical cord was a little inflamed and they wanted to make sure it wasn't infected.  They wanted to watch her breathing a little more and make sure she was eating extremely well.  He said the earliest would be tomorrow, Saturday at the latest!  As the doctor walked away, the nurse said she would do everything in her power to get her home on Friday, the next day.

We stayed with Emily until 2ish and then decided to come home for Thanksgiving dinner, get some clothes and head back up.  It was hard leaving her, but I knew she was in good hands.


Dec 2, 2011

November 21, 2011 Part 1

November 21, 2011...The day our lives changed forever!  Let me do a little back story.  On Tuesday, November 15th, we received a call from our adoption worker that our birth mom was missing.  She had a history of drug abuse, however, cleaned up after learning she was pregnant.  We were told she relapsed.  No one knew where she was or when she'd return.  Oh, and Nov. 15th was one of my parent-teacher conference days.  I still don't know how I got through that?!

We heard nothing at all the rest of the week and, of course, nothing over the weekend.  We had no idea where she was or what to think.  I made the mistake of watching a horrible show called Cell Block 6- Female Ward that Saturday while I was at the gym.  HUGE mistake!  It put even more horrible thoughts in my head as to where and what our birth mother was up to!

Needless to say, by Monday, I was low.  Really low.  I came into work and told the girls I was so over the adoption process.  I mean, I felt so close, but so far.  How do you lose a birth mother?  A 9 month pregnant birth mother, no less?

So, I called our adoption worker in the morning telling her how discouraged and hopeless I was feeling.  She said she would call the Grand Rapids office and fill us in.  At lunchtime, she called to tell me that they had found the birth mother and she had been staying at a hotel and was safe.  We found out that the birth father we had thought all along was the birth father might not be the birth father.  She admitted and told her boyfriend (the man we thought was the birth father) that there was a possibility of another birth father and snapped because she couldn't handle the stress.  So that was a lot to handle, but I felt good that at least she was okay.

Our adoption worker asked if I would like to have a conference call with the pregnancy counselor in Grand Rapids.  The Grand Rapids lady would NOT call us directly.  She would call our adoption worker and she would have to get a hold of us.  I thought that was pretty dumb...Why couldn't she just contact us directly?  So, I talked to Jesse and we were going to set up a conference call for Wednesday.  Dawn, our adoption worker, said she'd call back after she talked to Linda, the Grand Rapids pregnancy counselor.

My phone went off at 3:05, just as the kids were doing their jobs, chaos was ensuing in my room, so I answered it expecting Dawn to tell me that we had a set conference call for Wednesday.  That is NOT what Dawn told me.  She said instead, "Hi, Michelle.  We just got a call from Linda. Mark (the boyfriend) called to tell us that Theresa (birth mom) was admitted to the hospital."  Oh, great, now what?  was my first thought!  "Theresa is in labor!"  What?  Did she just say what I think she said?  The next few minutes were a complete blur?!  Kids were running around the room.  I could barely listen to Dawn, my heart was pounding so hard!  Our baby was on the way!!

I somehow made it through the kids leaving.  Screamed the news to my friends and Jesse and then proceeded to figure things out with my principal about my sub and all the formalities of my leave.  Then I walked aimlessly around my classroom not sure what to do next.  After about an hour, I left and went to the chiropractor.  I definitely needed an adjustment after this!  I left my phone in the car to charge, since it was practically dead after all my phone calls.

When I was leaving I noticed I had missed a call from Dawn.  The message said something like this, "Hi, Michelle.  It's Dawn.  Theresa delivered the baby.  You have a daughter!"  I was driving down the freeway and tears were streaming down my face!!  I had a daughter!!!  Me, a mother!!  FINALLY!!  I called Jesse and said, "our baby was just born.  Come home!"  He said, "okay, I'm on the way." and hung up.  I laughed to myself as the phone started ringing immediately because I knew what he was going to ask, "what do we have?"  When I told him a girl.  I could hear the joy in his voice.

When Jesse came home, I hugged him and cried my eyes out.  FINALLY!!  Our baby was born!!!  We finished sorting things in the nursery and getting things ready around the house.  We weren't sure when we'd be able to go to the hospital.  Since it is a closed adoption, we would have to wait until Theresa was discharged to go there.  I asked Dawn if I should take Tuesday off and she said no, there wasn't anything we would be able to do, so she didn't want me to waste my day off.

I will continue the story later, but I will leave you with some pictures of our baby girl!


Nov 21, 2011

She's HERE!

What a crazy day!  It started off with me emailing the agency saying I was so frustrated with everything and ended with the birth of our daughter!!  We are parents!!  Our daughter, name still yet to be determined, was born today, November 21, 2011 at 4:20 pm.  She weighed 5 1/2 lbs with jet black hair.  We aren't able to meet her yet.  Due to our adoption being closed, we have to wait until birthmom is discharged.

This is insane!!!  I'm a flippin mother!!!  AHHHHHHHHHH!!!  Details and pictures to come!!  Love you guys!!

Nov 10, 2011


I don't know why I'm so surprised.  God is amazing!  I have been struggling with negativity in my life.  It has been convicting me for quite awhile, but it's such a hard habit to break.  It's hard to not get wrapped up with the drama of things that happen in school or to not let the garbage you hear about what's coming down the line in education to not affect you.  It's hard, and I've been failing hard core.

Yesterday, I was so upset because of things that happened at school...

Then I go to small group and the card we have to apply this week is Replace Negativity.  Hello, God, I know you're talking to me.  Every time a negative thought enters our head, we have to replace the complaint with something of gratitude.  I have my watch on the wrong wrist as a visual reminder.  I do not want to be this negative person.

As if that wasn't enough last night, I sit down to read my devotional and bible this morning and the devotional is "Emotions: Who's In Charge of Yours?"  Seriously?  I am so getting this and not messing this up!  I don't want the world's opinions to drive my emotions, I want to be a positive person who people seek.  I know this will be extremely hard for me, but I am willing to take on the challenge.  I pray that God will be with me and allow me to break one more thing in the cycle Jesse and I have set out to break in our families.  Negativity is a huge one in my family.  I don't want to follow the path of family members before me.  I am willing to create my own path, knocking down barriers that will be there to stop me and make me fail.  I know this will be hard, but I know with God's strength, this is something I can overcome.

Today, and everyday, Lord, I pray that you allow me to stop focusing on the negative of this world and allow me to see the bigger picture.  The problems that consume my life are not my life.  You are.  Please help me to stop focusing on what the world, my community and my co-workers deem important.  What is most important to me is You and Your Love.  Your son died for my sins and that is an ultimate gift.  I pray that when negative thoughts enter my mind, you give me the strength to see past them.  I need your guidance to shift the lens off of me and my problems and focus them outward.  Help me to see the beauty in every day and in everything.  Please be with me.  In Jesus' name I pray.


Nov 5, 2011

I Have to Get This Out

I have had something on my heart for awhile and I hope that God gives me the words to say it the way my heart intends for it to come across.  Trish is in heaven and the day after we said our final good-bye, we got the call about our baby.  I have found this to be extremely weird.  Our prayers were answered when God took Trish to be home with him.  I find this strange.

What I find the most strange, is I have had a feeling for quite some time now that when Trish passed, our baby would be on the way.  I can't explain it, it's just some sinking feeling I had deep down in my core.  This feeling was so strong that at the memorial last Thursday, I was looking into Trish's eyes in the beautiful portrait that was there and I found myself thanking her.  I had no idea that the next day would be the day that would change our lives forever, but I felt that Trish had to go for this to happen.  I knew in my heart that Trish would have some way of "making it happen."

I hope I am doing this post justice. I, by NO means, was hoping for Trish to go.  I would have prayed for her to stay with us forever.  That's why it was so hard for me to pray the prayer Stacie, her daughter-in-law and our friend, asked us to pray.  She asked us to pray that the pain go away and if that meant her going to heaven, then that was God's will.  I fought that prayer with tears streaming down my face and yelling, "no!"  But, after the shock of the possibility of losing Trish faded a little, I felt a sense of calm.  A calm that I was fighting God's will and that is a losing battle.  Trish was in a lot of pain and how selfish of me to pray for her to stay her when I could pray for the pain to go away.  So, I mustered up all the courage I had to pray those words.

Trish was an important person in my life.  She was one of those people who never wanted the spotlight, she was happy sitting on the sidelines cheering everyone on.  I have NO DOUBT in my mind, she is up in heaven smiling down and cheering us on as we await our new baby.  The only thing that breaks my heart more is that Trish will never get to hold our baby and love on it the way she loved on every baby she ever came across.  But I know that Trish is happy we got the call.  I don't know why I'm crying so hard right now, because I know she up there smiling and telling me how silly I am right now.  But, I can't help but feel a little guilty.  We lost someone dear to both Jesse and me and then we also got the best news in the world, but I can't help but wonder if this is all true.  Did Trish have to go for our prayers to be answered?

This is supposed to be a happy time for me, but I'm having a hard time.  I don't care what anyone says, I know in my heart that Trish had a part in this and I don't think I'll ever be able to express how much Trish means to me and how much I love her!


Nov 1, 2011

Pinch Me!

I feel like the past few days has been a dream.  Did Friday really happen??  I had to get a hold of the adoption worker just to hear her talk and make sure that I didn't imagine it.

No, it's real.  Some new information I found out is the birth family wants no interaction with us at all in the hospital.  We will not be allowed contact with the baby until point of discharge to eliminate the possibility of a run-in with us and the birth family.  Booo!!  That will be hard, but I'm sure we'll survive.

I also asked about the sex of the baby.  That is unknown.  The birthmom doesn't want to know that at this time.

That's the status so far.  I think I'm going to try and get a good night's sleep.  I haven't slept well since Friday!!  Seriously, am I dreaming...someone pinch me!


Oct 30, 2011

We're Official!

I can't believe I am actually typing these words after 7 years of trying to have a baby and waiting for over a year in the adoption arena.  Jesse and I have been officially chosen to be the adoptive parents for a birthmom from Grand Rapids.  We are still in shock and can't believe it's true!

I got the call Friday morning.  I saw I had missed a call from our adoption worker and just assumed that we had forgot to sign some paperwork when she came over the previous Monday to update our stuff.  But about a half hour later, I received another call from a 248 area code.  (That's the area code our agency is in.)  So, I began to think something was up.  So, I checked my voicemail sitting at my u-shaped table with a student who was going to read to me.  As I sat there listening, this is a summary of what i heard, "Hi, Michelle, it's Dawn.  I'm calling because the birth-family in Grand Rapids has looked over your things and homestudy and wants to officially name you and Jesse as the adoptive family they choose..."  I told little Haley I'd be right back and ran to my friends room next door.

As I was running to Heather's room, Darlene (my aide who helps out every day) came in to see if everything was okay.  I sent her in to hold down the fort and I'd be there in a minute.  I ran into Heather's room and screamed, "They chose us!  They Chose us!"  I sat there and cried in her arms as I tried to listen to the message Dawn had left.  I had no idea what she was saying and I was bawling my eyes out.

When I came back into my room after a few minutes, Darlene had learned what had happened and was asking for details, so was my other friend, Cindy.  The kids were supposed to be reading to someone, but I think they were trying their best to hear what I was saying.  I feel bad because I lied to my kids and told them that I got great news about my friend having a baby and then I got something in my eye.  I was nowhere near ready to share it with them!

So I found out that the birthmom is 34 and has been struggling with drug addiction for a long time.  She has admitted to doing drugs until about 3 months into her pregnancy.  So, obviously that is a little bit of a concern.  We were told our next step would be to meet them in Grand Rapids, but after talking to Dawn, our adoption worker, again, she said that Theresa (birthmom) doesn't want to meet us.  She said she was instantly drawn to our profile book and knows we are who she wants, but if she meets us, she will pick us apart and find faults with us.  So, she doesn't want to meet us.  She also wishes to have a closed adoption.  This is pretty shocking, as we've been preparing for an open adoption for a long time.

Mark says he can't deal with the baby and deal with Theresa's addiction.  This kind of saddens me, but I know that we will be very open and hopefully eventually they will want some sort of contact.

We don't have details about the sex or anything other than what I already told you.  Oh, I don't know if I mentioned this...She's due December 8th!  So, we've got about 39 days...Just about 5 1/2 weeks!   AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!  God is good!


Oct 24, 2011

Heaven Gained An Angel Yesterday

It's with a heavy, heavy heart that I write this post.  In June 2010, our small group leader's mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  It looked dismal at that time, but they took her to specialists and naturalists and we prayed our rear ends off for Trish.  As a result, we were blessed with another 16 months with dear, Trish.

I found out on Saturday that when she was given the diagnosis in June, it was stage 4.  Stage 4 and she lived as long as she did.

This woman was amazing.  It was so neat to watch her journey with God during her battle with cancer.  Her faith became so great and she was at peace with her cancer and her outcome.  In June of 2011, when we were baptized, Trish was baptized along with us.  This woman had the biggest smile imaginable and had the biggest heart.

It was sad to see her in pain because of the cancer.  In August, the cancer hit her hard. She had to have surgery and due to the pancreas and other organs shutting down, she turned a yellowish-green color, but her spirit was always bright and sunny, despite how she looked physically.

I was fortunate enough to see her one last time on Wednesday and wish I would've known it would've been the last time I saw her.  I have no regrets, but I would've hugged her a little longer or simply told her I loved her!

What breaks my heart the most is our friend's kids.  Trish was a daily person in their lives and they are, obviously, broken-hearted.  They loved Trish more than words can describe.  I pray that God is with them and they can deal with the loss of their loving grandma.  Trish loved those kids more than life itself, and it radiated off of her every time she was around them.

I know Trish is heaven right now, happy and healthy and all of us who knew her and loved her have an angel looking down.  I know one day we will all see her and she will greet us with her beautiful smile with her arms open wide welcoming us home.  But, life's not going to be the same here without her.  She was loved by all who met her and faith story with God through all of this inspired me.

She wasn't afraid of death, she didn't want to die and she gave it all she had, but she knew that dying was going home. That she would finally be at peace, with no pain and wrapped in the loving arms of Jesus.

Trish, I will always love you and your presence in my life has made me a better person.  You will be missed by all, but mostly by your grandchildren.  I pray that Jacob, Caleb, Callie and Luke will be able to deal with the pain of loosing you in a healthy way.  I pray that God will give us, the adults in their lives, the wisdom to know how to deal with this with them to make this as easy for them as possible.  I am sad you are no longer with us, but I have a joy that can't be explained because our prayers were answered- you are no longer in pain and you are home with Jesus.  Thank you for all you have done for everyone whose life you touched.  I love you and can't wait to see you in heaven.

Love you always,


Oct 11, 2011

My Back-Up Plan

For awhile now, I've been contemplating what I can possibly do with an education degree.  It's not that I don't LOVE my job...I DO!  It's just I don't know how long I will be able to be an educator based on all the garbage that educators have to deal with.  Especially in Michigan.  Politicians are going after teachers and making things harder to do our job.

I'm not even talking insurance or pay-rates.  I'm talking the standardized tests, merit pay, pitting teachers against each other and not allowing us to work together...things like that.

I think I've mentioned on here before about writing a children's book and I've been doing more writing.  I will finish my stories and begin sending them in to publishers this year.  But, come on, that's not something I can count on.

But, I've got it!!  I've got it!!!  When Jesse and I went to the gym last week, we picked up the magazine that they have there.  That's when it hit me.  What am I most passionate about?  Kids and nutrition/exercise.  I said to Jesse, we should look into opening an Anytime Fitness and I should look into getting certification to be a trainer.  Then I can work with people to help them become healthier.  I can also hold exercise classes for kids.

I think Jesse thought I was just blowing smoke, but it's been over a week and I can't stop thinking about this idea.  I think this would be an AWESOME thing for Jesse and I to do together.  It would allow me more freedom when we do start our family and it would be something that makes me happy and I'm extremely passionate about...

I don't know.  I think I'm on to something!!


Sep 24, 2011

Doing Better

Well, I made it!  I wouldn't say the birthday was a "success," but I made it.  Jesse was so supportive, it was great.

Last Saturday we had a birthday party for our friend's 2 daughters.  It was pretty hard to get through.  We were the only ones there without children.  I was shocked because I didn't know a couple friend (more of a friend of a friend) had a baby.  It was just tough. After that, Jesse and I went to a comedy show together.  We did our best to just have a good time together and forget that we are childless.

My actual birthday was okay.  It's amazing how many birthday wishes you get from people on fb.  It really made me feel good.  My work friends helped me get through it.  Later that evening we went to my favorite restaurant with my dad and Jesse's sisters.  Everyone is coming over tomorrow for dinner and to celebrate it together.

I'm just really hoping this is the last birthday I feel so down in the's no fun!!


Sep 16, 2011

Birthdays and Infertility Just Don't Mix!

I used to be one of those obnoxious people who would start counting down my birthday 6 months before the BIG event.  My birthday turned into a birthday week and I LOVED feeling special and always wanted to celebrate.

Something changed when infertility stepped into my life.  The countdown has gotten shorter and shorter and forget celebrating for a week.  I'd rather hide under a rock and forget the whole day exists.  Why?  Well, every birthday to me isn't so much a celebration of the year or the excitement of what's to come.  To me, it's become one more year.  One more year of trying, one more year of hoping, one more year of fooling myself that next year will be different.

I wish so bad that I could stop these feelings, but I really can't.  It's sad.  It hurts and honestly, it freakin sucks!

I'm going to be 32 on Monday.  3-2, 32.  Do you know what I pictured for myself at 32?! Not this.  Last year, I even had the hope that with our adoption process started and finishing up our home study, there was NO doubt in my mind that September 19, 2011 would be the one that was what I always hoped for.  But, no.

I just feel like everything I have hoped for and everything I have wanted just happens to other people and will never happen for me.  So many people don't even realize the gift they have been given when they have a baby.  I would do anything for it.

I know we have a lot going for us and, hopefully, in January or February we will be going through our FET.  But, I just feel like, something will go wrong, something will fall through, it somehow won't work out.  That's just what happens to us!

I'm trying to turn my spirits around, but it's really hard not to turn 32 and know that you have been trying for 7 years and you're still waiting.  I feel like God may have forgotten about me.

Sorry to be such a downer, but I just needed to get this out.  Thanks for listening.


Sep 1, 2011

Healing and Dealing

Faith does not eliminate problems.  Faith keeps you in a trusting relationship with God in the midst of your problems.  ~Henry Blackaby

This quote really spoke to me yesterday during my quiet time in the morning.  What we've been through in the last week has been tough.  It was beyond hard loving on that child and not knowing if he would be ours.  It was even harder praying for God's will to be done.  We prayed that if he was to be our son that God opened the doors that we needed to open- the loan from the bank and getting the time off from work.  Both of those doors stayed locked and wouldn't budge.  Jesse and I tried to pound them down, but they remained closed.

We wanted that baby more than anything, but I feel that saying that we would take that child would have been the easier choice.  It was everything we ever wanted at our fingertips, but instead of acting on our wants, we prayed about it and felt that God was telling us this isn't it.

It was not all about the money.  Yes, that was a factor, but it was more of what we felt God saying to us.  We won't ever know why we went through that week.  Maybe it was because on Saturday I had a valley day.  I was upset my period was a day late and was crying that I didn't understand why we had to go through all of this.  Jesse said I just wish we could have a sign.  Jesse feels this was our "sign."  You're on the right path,  keep going.

I think it had more to do with bringing Jesse and I closer together and also closer to Him.  I have surrendered my desire to have a baby many times.  Mostly doing it because I knew I had to, but, I guess, not ultimately doing it for the "right" reasons.  As of today, I officially surrender all my fears, anxieties, timelines and wishes to God.  It has nothing to do with me.  He already has a plan for us and we just have to follow it.  This week made my faith in Him stronger than I've ever had.

I'm okay with what happened because I feel we truly listened to God and followed His direction and it feels good.  Am I mad about my district not getting back to me til yesterday?  Yep!  Am I mad that we didn't have the loan figured out?  You bet!  But, we're getting that worked out now.  We learned from it and I've been praying everyday for that little baby boy that I got the pleasure to love on for 5 days.  I probably won't ever know what will happen to him or how he's doing, but for those few days I was a Mom and know that however our baby comes, that baby will be loved and cared for beyond my wildest dreams.

I trust God has a plan.  I am willing to follow Him.  I no longer care about my desires for our baby, but want the baby He has picked out for us.  I have faith that it will happen.

Aug 27, 2011

What the HECK Just Happened?!

All I can say is, whoa!  What a flippin week!  Thanks for all your prayers, I could feel them.  I apologize for being so vague, but I didn't want to say anything until I knew something.  So, here's the story...

On Monday morning, we received a call from the agency that they had a baby for us.  He was born on Sunday, August 14th, but the poor little guy came with a lot of issues.  His BM had a previous child (not sure how old), but had lost custody rights to the BF.  CPS was involved, I'm assuming for her "extra curricular activities!"  This little guy's BF was not aware she was pregnant until she was in labor and signed off on his rights!  YAY!

Then we find out that the BM had claimed to do marijuana, opiates, alcohol and smoke throughout the pregnancy.  Not to mention no prenatal care.

On top of that, he had a severe heart defect, truncus arteriosus.  This condition would require surgery within the next two weeks, as well as a surgery when he was a little bigger and stronger.  This obviously meant he would need very close medical care.  Not only did he have that, but his organs were all jostled around and not where they need to be.  Oh, and on top of all this, he ingested meconium at birth and had some lung issues.

Jesse and I were so torn.  This was EVERYTHING we were afraid of, but we figured, this would be what God would test us with.  We felt that everything we had been through must be because we are now strong enough to deal with this.  So, we immediately headed down to Children's hospital to get some answers from the doctors and nurses.

When we got there, he was so little.  He scared me with all the tubes and monitors beeping.  After we spoke with the doctors and nurses.  The nurse asked me if I wanted to hold him.  I told her I was scared.  I was afraid to hold him.  I didn't want to get attached if it wasn't meant to be.  But, of course, I held him.  While I was holding him his breathing machine went from 75 to 91.  I just remember holding him and telling him, that he would be alright and I wouldn't let anything bad happen to him.  It was an instant attachment.

The rest of the week was spent dealing with insurance, the bank and my HR department. We found out that he would be fine on our insurance, but we couldn't get an answer from the bank.  We needed a loan for the rest of the fees we owe.  Plus, I only got 10 days of paid leave and I wanted to use 30, since I have 42 in my sick bank.  We prayed all week that if this was His will to allow doors to open to make this possible.

By Thursday we were feeling very defeated.  And by yesterday at 5, after numerous calls to the bank and to my HR, we knew we couldn't keep the baby waiting.  He had to find his family.  It wasn't fair to him or his parents to keep them apart.  We called the agency asking and they said although they understood they needed to find him his family and really couldn't wait.  So, with a heavy, heavy heart we had to say no.

It really upsets me that NO ONE from my HR contacted me.  And as far as they know, I'm still waiting on them for an answer.  I'm also really upset that it came down to money.  Jesse thought that because he just paid off his business loan (which was pretty much the same amount we would need for the fees), they would just approve us quickly.

Jesse and I both are heartbroken, but we also know that if it were meant to be, things would've happened and doors would've opened for us.  I just don't get why this had to happen.  Especially since we have the plan on embryo after the first of the year?!

But, I'm picking myself up, as hard as it is.  Dusting the pain and dirt off and continuing the race.  It was a tough fall and I'm pretty banged up, but it just makes me know that if I could love and care for this little boy for 5 days, I know the love I have for my child will be immeasurable!  Ahhhhh!!  Deep breath!

Aug 24, 2011

LOTS Going On!

We have had a whirlwind couple of days!  I am simply asking all of you to pray for us in the next couple of days.  I will update you as soon as I can!  Thanks!!  xoxoxoPhotobucket

Aug 8, 2011

Calling All Embryo Adoption Bloggers

Hi ladies!  I have been having a carefree summer.  Now that it's August and the inevitable is going to starting soon, I figured it was time to get my rear in gear and start getting some thing done off my check off list.  One of them being getting an embryo adoption contract started.  Thanks to Tammy, I have her example and I googled some, but I'm not sure what or where to start.  Do any of you have any tips or would you be willing to share your contract with me, so I know what I'm supposed to be including?  I would REALLY appreciate it.  Obviously, get rid of the personal info, but if you'd be willing to share, it would help me enormously!  You can email me at  Thanks!


Aug 1, 2011


This weekend was a tough one for me.  I found out one of my younger cousins and his wife just found they were pregnant and I wanted to throw a pity party.  I was just so upset that we can't do that!  It's so frustrating.  Then my uncle is posting all these notes on facebook about being excited.  It's not that I'm not happy for them, it's just I was sad for us!  This sucks!

I was upset and talked to Jess about it.  Of course, he tried to change the prospective and that made me feel better.  But, I didn't feel better til I was out on my run today.  There is nothing like running for me.  It's such a parallel of the "race" we're running with our journey for our baby.

I think, by now, you guys all know how much music inspires me and moves me.  Well, towards the end of the run today, one of my most favorite songs came on.  Stand, by Rascal Flatts!  It's so inspiring..."On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough."  To me that's the best part of the song!  God is always there!


Jul 29, 2011

Break the Chain...Or Cycle

I don't know if I've posted about this before, but I am a HUGE Housewives fan!  I love Housewives of New Jersey, Orange County, Beverly Hills and my fave--NEW YORK!  I started watching a few seasons back and fell in love with Bethenny Frankel.  I loved her sarcasm and honesty.  She was hilarious.  So, it was no surprise that I would start watching Bethenny Getting Married and Bethenny Ever After...Yes, I am a HUGE reality tv junkie!

Recently she came out with a new book, A Place of Yes, and I got it from the library.

 I was curious what she had to say.

I just finished Chapter One, entitled, Break the Chain and I just felt compelled to blog about it.  In this chapter she spoke about your upbringing and the things that happen to you growing up or in life don't have to define you.  You don't have to follow the way things were, you can chose to take the good and leave the bad.  You also have the right to Break the Chain when you are leaving the bad.  This struck a HUGE cord with me because Jesse and I have been talking a lot about breaking the cycle in both of our families.

I don't think I've ever mentioned anything about our family, but we are a close knit family that has our issues.  We both love our families dearly and had a great childhood, but there are things that we want to break the cycle with our children and our family.  We have spoken about this since we started seeing our counselor.

Many times it's not easy to break the cycle.  You fall into routines, rituals, or dances (as our wise counselor calls them.)  You have to be aware of the things that you do and the way the things you say or do effect other people.  Very frequently, in my family, people will say things in the heat of the moment and think that with a simple apology it makes it all better.  But as much as I would love to say "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me," is's not!  Words DO hurt.  They stick with you.  They are hard to forget, but in breaking the cycle, I chose to leave that behind.

It takes a very conscience effort to break the cycles of families, but my love for my future children and my husband outweigh ANY obstacles breaking the cycle will bring.  I know I have had moments and will have moments that I won't be able to break the cycle.   I will say things that hurt people, but I also know that just apologizing doesn't make it better.  I will have to show I am wanting to change by making the change and living my life different.

I don't know where this post is coming from, maybe it's because my parents are moving in for a few months while they find their new house.  I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. But, I just felt I needed to get my thoughts out after reading that chapter.  I don't know if the rest of the book will hit me as hard as this one did, but if it did...You'll be hearing more from me!


Jul 21, 2011

Email to our Potential Donor

I just wanted to share a short story with you about what happened last night at small group.  We watched a video about putting our trust in God and that was our number one job as Christians.  At the end of the video, he asked, "who or what do you put your trust in above God?"

Afterward, we were all asked what we came up with.  For me, it was money.  And I explained that we worked so hard to have a couple fundraisers and pay off our debt to have a baby.  I spoke about using that money and then we need it in the future and we're back at square one.  The topic, obviously, came around to the embryo adoption we have with you and my friend asked me if I'm afraid of using all our money for this, and it not working.  Yes was my answer.  Jesse reassured me that if it came to that, we would be in a much better place financially and it wouldn't be as big as a hit.

Then my friend spoke up and shared that he was thinking about me yesterday.  He was amazed that me, here in Michigan, and you, there in XXXX, by some circumstance were united.  He spoke of how he knows it's not a coincidence and that God had some hand in this.  He said that although we don't know if going through with all of this will bear the fruit we are praying it will, there is some reason that God is doing this. 

That helped.  Although I know with all my being if I don't go through with this, I will always wonder what if, it is a scary thing.  There are so many variables and what ifs and uncertainty, but I'm so excited to give it a try.  I'm not going to lie to you, the wait feels like forever.  We started "trying" in April of 2004.  I threw away the birth control and thought we'd be parents in no time.  Obviously, that was not our path.  The path, although painful at times, has brought Jesse and I so close I know there is NOTHING that we can't do together.  I also know that if we were given the baby when we first wanted, our lives would not be where they are.  So, in a weird way, I am thankful for all we have gone through.  Saying that, it doesn't make the pain that sometimes sneaks up any easier.  I have the strongest desire in the world to be a mom.  Sometimes I let that get the best of me.  But I just wanted to share with you what happened yesterday, as well as some things that are on my heart!

I am so eager to see where this relationship and journey takes us.  Words do not seem enough when I think about the potential gift you will give us, if everything works out.  I just wanted you to know what's on my heart today!


Jul 20, 2011

No News...

I broke down yesterday and called our adoption worker.  I had a few questions because we had received paperwork to redo our finger prints and physical updates.  I wanted to know when it expired and how much time we had.  I thought we had a little while.  She told me that it didn't expire until October, but they send it early to schedule doc appointments and allow time.  I asked a couple more questions.  Then I asked the dreaded, where do we stand question.

She told me our profile book has been viewed every month until May.  They are experiencing a "quiet time", as she put it.  Most birth mothers are already matched and the new ones aren't really into the process yet.  I understood.

I hung up and asked Jesse what he thought.  He told me that he thinks we'll spend our money for these finger prints and doctors appointments for no reason, because come December we'll have our friend's donated embryos.  I just smiled at him.

That is still the hope.  We're praying for our friend to deliver a healthy baby in December and hopefully sometime in January or February have our FET!!

We are hoping to go see our donor in November and meet with her doctor.  I have to call.  But, it still feels so far away.  I think I'm going to call to just "touch base" with her doctor, find out his protocol and see what the nurse thinks about November.  Should we try to schedule our appointment now?

Jul 14, 2011

Thanks and Help!

Thanks so much for all your encouragement and insight!  I can't believe this is happening.  We are so excited, but we do have a bit of a wait too.  But, I'm getting "good" at waiting!   I'm just going to be praying for a healthy baby to be born to my friend.  We're talking about going out in November to meet our potential donor and husband.  That would be close to her due date and then we could see her RE and hopefully get our things started.  This journey is going to be quite interesting.

Now, I need a little help...I'm stuck!  My cousin's always have these themed parties.  They live out of state, so I'm never able to join.  However, I will be able to make the next party.  My cousin in Grand Rapids and I will be going out to Chi-town to visit them and be at the party.  The only problem...I'm stuck.

The theme is Family TV shows.  We have to dress like a character from a family tv show.  My cousin is going to be Kim Kardashian.  She wants to stuff her butt!  :0)  She's hilarious.  The only thing I can think of is DJ Tanner from Full House.  I was thinking of trying to do my hair like this...

The only outfit I can think of is the one where she had jean overalls and a flower shirt.  This is the pic...

But, I don't have jean overall shorts?!  Anyone got any suggestions?!  Please help!


Jul 10, 2011


You guys are so amazing and supportive, I cannot imagine what I'd do without all of your help.  There have been some new things to consider...I don't even know where to begin.  Last year when we were considering embryo adoption, a friend (I'm going to keep her identity secret for now), wrote to me expressing that after she completes her second IVF, she would like to donate her embryos to Jesse and me.  Obviously we didn't go through with anything last fall and I thought the offer was over.  How do you contact someone and say, "yeah, those embryos...are we still on?"  I just didn't feel right.  So, I didn't think more about it.

After my last post, she contacted me again!  Saying that another couple fell through and here she was hoping that we would take her embryos again now that we're considering going through with the process.  I was dumbfounded.  REALLY?!  US?!  Are you kidding?  Those were just a few of the thoughts that have rumbled around in my head after getting her email.

We have since emailed back a few times and tentatively discussed things.  She wants to wait until her second child is here and we completely understand that.  She lives in a different state and here are some weird coincidences...or are they God's gifts?  She lives about 2 hours away from my sister.  My sister's boyfriend just passed his bar exam and is a family law lawyer and can help us with the contract.  Jesse and I talked about going for our anniversary next month and now we're seriously considering going that way to meet our potential donor.

Things seem too good to be true.  This is EVERYTHING I've been wanting to happen.  Yesterday we went to the other side of the state for my godson's birthday.  On the way home I voiced my concerns and fears.  I voiced a whole range of what ifs... Jesse said he understands, but he's never felt more right about something.  We left the conversation with I am hopeful and want to move forward and I will continue to pursue this, but I'm afraid.

On my way to church this morning I prayed for discernment in our decision.  I want to know that this is God's will and not me trying to make my desires "God's will."  Then we go to church today.  Can you guess the topic?  Trusting God and not giving in to fear.  They did a whole "game" where they called a kid up to walk a homemade balance beam.  After the child walked across, they put up beaver traps, bear traps and 18 inch spikes along side the beam and asked the kid if they would want to go now?  Of course the kids said no.  Then the speaker asked, "if you were able to have your dad walk beside you, catch you if you stumbled and keep you from harm would you do it?"  Most of the kids answered yes.  They trust their dad that much that they would do it.  Obviously no one did this crazy stunt, but the visual made a huge impact.

It's just like our father in heaven.  God will hold our hand, walk with us through the hard times.  Just like you trust your dad to help you walk across the beam, you can trust God to walk you through the storm.  TRUST HIM!

Two verses they said that struck a chord with me were Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Jesse and I didn't sit by each other today because I was helping, but afterward he came up and said, "did you hear that?"  I immediately starting crying.  God spoke to me.  He told me not to fear.  He has this.  I just have to trust.  I do.  I will.  Here we go.  Are you guys up for the ride?  I am!!

They ended service with one of my favorite praise songs, here is the song with the lyrics.  Enjoy!


Jul 5, 2011

Is It Cheating?!

Thank you for all your comments and support.  It has really helped. Here is what I'm struggling with and I guess has a lot to do with my "fear."  A few years ago, I prayed and prayed to God to show us what our next steps should be.  It began with a whisper and by the end, I felt like God was bashing me on my head to adopt.

Slowly, I realized that being a parent doesn't have anything to do with DNA and biology, but more importantly it has to do with loving, caring and guiding a child.  I began to see that being a Mommy was more important than carrying a baby and having it be "part" of us.  We looked into adoption.

Soon after, we learned about embryo adoption and felt this was the best of both worlds. It was still adoption, but I would get to be pregnant and experience the ups and downs of carrying a child.  We felt great about it.  Then I had the most challenging class of my career and decided to wait awhile.

Here we are again.  Considering embryo adoption again.  I am fearful (for lack of better word) of a couple things.  I am afraid of disobeying God.  We have waited so long, I know what he has in store for us and planned for us will be better than ANYTHING I can ever imagine.  I know that embryo adoption is still adoption, but I feel like I'm cheating a little.  I mean, I will get everything I've ever dreamed about: pregnancy, baby, family.  Could this be too good to be true?

I've been praying my rear off to make certain that this is what God intends for us.  But I'm not sure if I'm hearing him.  We've done so much work to follow God's will in our lives, I'm afraid to make the "wrong" decision right now.

I'm still reading that What is God Waiting For book that I mentioned before.  Today it talked about waiting it out and dealing with God's delay.  I'm conflicted.  I don't know if the embryo thing is here because it's what I truly want or if it's what God wants for me.  I want with all my being to try it, but don't know if it's what I should do...

Jun 28, 2011


So, I've been a horrible blogger.  With the end of the school year and all that jazz, I've just been overwhelmed.  Plus, there really wasn't much to say.  You know, same ol same ol...

Today we had another appointment with a new reproductive specialist.  This is the one that our new OB/GYN recommended.  Ironically enough it's at the same office we started our journey, just a different doctor.  Anyway...We went to see him.  Explained our story.  He told us that IVF w/ ICSI he would say is still a possibility, but obviously he'd want another sperm analysis.  We were happy to hear that because that's what we were hoping for.

He didn't beat around the bush with us.  He was direct and we told him about pursuing adoption.  I asked him some questions about the embryo adoption protocol and I really liked what he had to say.  No injections.  He was kind, knowledgeable and honest.  I liked that.  He told us he wouldn't recommend us doing IVF w/ ICSI.  Just because of all the emotional and physical things that encompass that decision...Let alone the money.

When we left, Jess and I talked.  He asked where I stood.  I told him I wasn't interested in IVF w/ ICSI.  I know that others have done IVF and I am happy that it worked for many of the people.  I just don't see myself doing all that stuff.  The shots, the medicine, the pain.  I can't do it.  I would LOVE to have a biological child with Jesse, but I'm just not feeling like that is something I am willing to do.  Call me selfish...I have worked hard to try to rid my body of all the toxins the world exposes me to.  I just can't do it.

I told him I want to do embryo, but I'm so damn AFRAID!!!  I don't know what I'm afraid of though.  I'm just terrified to say, "yes, we can do this."  All of you that went through embryo, did you have this fear of saying yes? or is it just me?

I'm trying to find what it is I'm afraid of.  I think it could possibly be everything.  I've wanted this for so long, but what if I hate it.  What if I become one of those woman who complain about being pregnant?  What if I can't do it?  What if it doesn't happen?  I just have all these fears floating around in my head, but my gut is telling me, do it!  I've just got a lot of thinking to do...