Dec 24, 2009
Most of the time, the latter part consumes my life. I can only dwell on what I don't have. I'm not going to say that it didn't happen at all this year, but it wasn't as strong. Obviously I still want our baby, but I'm not going to dwell on it. This year has brought us a step closer to whatever and wherever God is directing us to go.
I am really glad we won't be going to my aunt's this Christmas Eve. I am Polish and we have this tradition of breaking opatek (bread) with each member of the family wishing them the best for the new year. This tends to get QUITE emotional as we make our rounds and I bet you can imagine what EVERYONE's wish for us is. I'm really kinda glad I'll be dodging that this year (Jess and I rotate Christmas Eve and Christmas day with the families!) It's not that I don't want their well wishes, it's just I don't want to be reminded of what I don't have. Because what I do have is something great! I have the support of my family, even though they may not always entirely understand why we're doing what we're doing. I have a husband who I wouldn't trade in this world. We have reconnected in this last year spiritually, emotionally and lovingly. He is truly my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without him. Jesse now has a job that allows him to be a REAL person. Yesterday was the first time since our first year of marriage that Jess was able to go to my Mom's birthday dinner. I have a lot to be grateful for this Christmas and instead of focusing on the things that are waiting to arrive, I'm not going to waste my Christmas feeling sorry for myself. God is good, God has a plan and I trust that He will provide.
I pray that you all have a very blessed and safe Christmas! You are all a gift that I treasure and I'm so glad to have you in my life! MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Dec 20, 2009
I have become friends with so many people and feel your love in so many ways. It's so amazing to me that when I started this blog 2 years ago I have been fortunate to find people who can relate, understand, care, support and encourage. All this from people I haven't met (except you Kami! :) ). God is truly amazing.
I never thought a year ago that Jesse and I would be so in tune with each other. A year ago, I thought if I wasn't able to have a child biologically, I would never have one, or worse, I wouldn't be with Jess. God has worked his magic and allowed Jesse and I to both be on the same page with our issue and accept what He is pushing us to do.
A year ago, I said I would adopt, but secretly didn't WANT to. Now, I'm in a point in my life where my desire to be a Mommy and to bring my little baby home means more to me than being pregnant. Now, don't get me wrong, would I love to be able to have our own baby? YES! Do I still pray daily for God to heal us and allow that to happen? YES! Is it as consuming to me as it was a year ago? I can honestly say NO!
I know that God is pushing us in a direction and although it scares the living heeby jeebies out of me. I am willing to take that step with honor. Some baby out there will be blessed with a Mommy AND a Daddy who prayed for them, cared for them and loved them more than they could ever imagine. When our baby comes, does it really matter if they came from my uterus...does that make a woman a Mommy? Hell no! I know that when God puts all the pieces in place and allows our baby to FINALLY come home, it will be wonderful because it will be His will!
With that being said...I made the call. Our appointment is January 12th. The next step is taken and it feels damn good!
Dec 11, 2009
Okay, so I told you all that we have made a decision and are planning on adopting. Great, good deal. We think we know what agency we want. Great, even better. Then, why oh why can't I make the call to set up the meeting with the agency? Why? Every day I say, oh yeah, I'll call during my break today and well, I think we know how that's worked out for me. I'm hoping by posting this on here. I'll make the call and take the next step.
Why oh why are the holidays such a horrible time for people going through infertility?! And why do I have to be surrounded with all these pregnant people at work??? At lunch on Monday, I had to sit through listening to a co-worker talk about how she cried when she found out she's having a girl and not the boy she wanted...really?? Today I had to walk into the teacher's lounge listening to the other pregnant teacher talk about how big her first baby was. UGH! I can't wait for break, I need to get away from all this pregnancy garbage. It's too hard right now...