Dec 27, 2010

Merry Christmas or Bah Humbug?!

So this holiday season started off pretty good.  It was the first Christmas season in a LONG time that I was actually in the Christmas spirit.  I was listening to Christmas music, excited for my family to come over on Christmas Eve, I even talked Jesse into putting up out tree this year.  (He hasn't put it up the last few years because we "don't have a reason" for it.  It's his way of dealing with our infertility...)

So, I was off to a good start, but then those feelings came bubbling out.  I tried to suppress them, but by Christmas Eve night, I couldn't help it.  I sobbed in Jesse's arms.  Every year friends and family tell us this is it, this is the last year you'll be childless and ever Christmas is the same.  I watch others with their children or worse yet, the dreaded Christmas announcements of babies to come in the next year.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not happy for these people.  It's just that I am sad that I won't ever get to have a Christmas announcement.  It's hard.  It's really hard.  Christmas is supposed to be happy time, but every Christmas I feel the loss of what I don't have.  I honestly thought I was off to a better start, but here I am with these nasty feelings.

I think the hardest part was Jesse got sick at his parent's house on Christmas day, so we came home early and didn't go to my grandma's house.  He went directly to bed and I played wii by myself.  Some Christmas...

I just wish and pray that this FINALLY the last Christmas without our baby.  But the sad part is, who knows?!

Dec 20, 2010

Wow! That Was Rough!

Does anyone watch Giuliana and Bill?  I stopped watching awhile back because their journey hit so close to home, I couldn't deal with it.  Over the weekend, at our family Christmas, a cousin was talking about the show.  Tonight was the season finale, so I taped a few past episodes and watched tonight.

My eyes hurt I have cried so hard.  Watching Giuliana and Bill go through all the drama they experienced on this last cycle was just like watching Jesse and I on the TV.  Yes, I know, Jesse and I never experienced a retrieval or a transfer, but all the emotional things she talked about was as if she was taking the words out of my mouth.

The thing that got me was the final scene when they get the call from their doctor and it was more bad news.  They were so hopeful, they had thought they did everything right, they were so SURE!  That's the part that was me.  How many times was I there?  I knew that this would be the month.  This would be the cycle.  My heart just breaks.

The hardest part is there are so many couples going through that on a daily basis.  Why?  Why does it have to be that way?  Why can people who aren't trying or don't want babies able to conceive and people who would do ANYTHING can't?  Why?

I know life's not about fairness, but infertility is just so damn UNFAIR!  I'm sorry to be so down in this post, but I sometimes just wallow in this pain.  Infertility stinks!


Dec 13, 2010


So way back in November of 1999, Jesse came back to work at the restaurant we worked in throughout high school.  I had ALWAYS had a HUGE crush on the kid, but I could never ask a guy out in high school.

Well...One night I went in to work to pick up my check or something and Jesse was working.  I left a note on his car asking him to do something sometime and the rest, my friends, was history.  We started dating shortly after and well, you know how that story ends.

Today I was cleaning up the basement during my snow day and I found a box of old notes and cards and pictures.  I even found THE NOTE!  Here it is.  Now I'm racking my brain trying to think of something cool to do with the note for Christmas.  I honestly have the best husband.  I love him so much!


My Little Thief and Winter Fun!

So a few weeks back, I was sitting in my reading chair enjoying the book, The Help, (my review in a previous post!) and eating some yummy green beans. This is what it looked like when I got up to answer the phone.

When I got back from answering the phone, this is what I found...

My little Peanut enjoying one of my green beans.  I swear, there is NOTHING that little thief won't eat!  
Yesterday we had a blizzard of snow.  Our first snow of the 2010-2011 Winter kicked Southeast Detroit's rear end.  Here are some pics of the snow around here.  The snow was beautiful, but it was so heavy, branches were falling and many houses lost power.  We were very fortunate.

The best part is...SNOW DAY TODAY!!!  YAY!!!!

Dec 11, 2010


Hey all!  Go check out April Showers blog.  She is giving away a free blog design for Blogger or Wordpress.  All you have to do is post something about her blog.  She has excellent tutorials that I have used to help with my blog.  You should go check it out.  Good luck, but I really hope I win!!! :0)

Two Thumbs UP

So I just finished reading two of the best books EVER!  The first one was sooo good!  It's The Crowning Glory of Calla Lily Ponder.  The book made me ugly cry, but it was so good.  It addressed all my fears in life.  Infertility, death of a parent, death of a spouse, past loves...I learned that this book was not one that you take with you to places, because it seriously made me cry and because of all MY fears the book addressed, I cried the ugly time while reading this.  It was such a good book though!  I totally recommend it!

Then the second book I read was one that I was hearing a LOT about, The Help.  I was a little surprised by the length of the book, but wow!  What an excellent book.  I am fascinated by history especially issues dealing with segregation and racial issues.  This book takes the prospective of Miss Skeeter, a white woman living in Mississippi in the 60s who just doesn't quite fit in with the other ladies in the league.  Minny, an outspoken black maid and Abileen, an older black maid who you just can't help falling in love with.  These women go through quite the journey in this book.  It was such a well written, wonderful book.  I just learned they are making into a movie.  I'm so glad I read the book because I know there is NO WAY the movie will live up to how well the book was written.

So there, those are my two thumbs up book recommendations.  Go read them!  You won't be disappointed!  

Now that I'm done, anyone have anything they recommend?!