Sep 19, 2009

Fear, what Fear?

I posted a couple weeks back that for our first day of work, our principal took us to Camp Tamarack. This camp is geared for encouraging teamwork and cooperation. The sixth grade students always go to promote this. All of us were not looking forward to this professional development day. Ironically, we all would have preferred sitting in the media center listening to our principal yak on and on about the changes for the year.

It's not like I had a bad attitude about it, but I just thought it was lame. I mean, we're all adults, do we REALLY need this?! But, like I said, I had a smile on my face and decided my attitude was half the battle. So, we all went and our first "challenge" was to get our group across a Chocolate River (imaginary) on graham crackers (aka small pieces of wood.) The trick was the graham crackers had to have human contact at all times. If Drew (the very good looking director) noticed a piece without contact, it floated down the river. (Surprisingly we all were doing well with using our imaginations and going with the flow!! ha ha) ANYWAY... We all made it across by holding hands, supporting each other and talking with each other.

Our next challenge was we were all pirates and had to get off our sinking ship without talking. We could only talk in a certain spot and it could only be a whisper because other ships would be attacking us and they might hear us. Thank goodness, we all made it to safety again. This one was fun because we got to swing across on a rope! :)

Then after lunch, we walked over to the TANGO TOWER. It was terrifying! This thing was enormous and I, my friends, am TERRIFIED of heights. So you can just imagine my reaction when I was faced with my Nemesis, the Tango Tower.

My friend (also afraid of heights) and I decided we would do the ropes first, before anyone else. We figured we'd get it over with before we watched others and freaked ourselves out even more. I went first and I waited for my friend. Big mistake. I was shaking like a leaf and by the time I actually started climbing, I had barely any strength. When I got to the cargo part, I had nothing left, I couldn't do it. At this point, I started realizing this climb was like my climb in IF. I kept praying for God to give me strength to make it to the top, but I just had nothing left. I told the group I was coming down. I got to the bottom, arms and legs both shaking extremely PISSED! I couldn't do it.

I didn't show how upset I was. Instead I cheered other people on watching some of them make it and some of them go only as far as they were comfortable. While I was doing this, I still saw the parallel. When I couldn't deal anymore with IF, I was still supporting my blogger friends who were going about their "climb" at their own pace and satisfied with their own outcome.

After a little while, I asked if I could try it again. This time my competitiveness and stubbornness said, you aren't coming down until you touch the top of that damn tower.

Again, shaking with all my might, I got back on the ropes. This time I paced myself better, knowing what to expect. I didn't look down or back, I kept my sight upward and on my goal. I went at a pace I was comfortable, talking to myself and God along the way. I am happy to say I made it that time and I touched the top of that awful tower.

When I was coming down this time, I was ecstatic. I not only had conquered my fear of heights, but I knew in my heart that God wouldn't let me down. I might not have a baby the way that I had originally wanted or planned, my climb would be my own. But, eventually, by looking forward, not back, I will reach my goal and be satisfied and proud of myself for not giving up!

I find it very humorous that a day I thought was going to be lame and a waste, turned out to be a day I not only learned a lot about myself, but also gave me more hope in this ugly battle we call infertility. I love this picture. I did it AND I know now I can do anything I set my mind to by keeping my eye on the goal, not looking back and always looking up for guidance and support. Fear, what fear?

Sep 16, 2009

Birthday Week!

Well ladies. It is officially birthday week. My 30th birthday is on Saturday and I'm having mixed emotions. I'm so excited to be having a birthday because I just love being the birthday girl. But then I think about when I was 20, where I thought I'd be when I hit the OLD 3-0. I thought I'd have a family. I thought I'd be done having kids. I wanted to be a young mom. I'm trying to remain upbeat about it, but it's just a little scary. I know age is just a number and it's not the number I'm afraid of. I feel I'm the healthiest I've ever been, and if I don't say so myself, I think I look better than I ever have before! :) It's just that thought of wow! you're 30 and you're not where you thought you'd be.

I'm trying to lift it up to God and not have it weigh on my heart because I know there's nothing I can about it, but every once in awhile...I just get a little sad.

I know this birthday will be a lot of fun, we're going to dinner and a comedy show with a bunch of friends and family. I know I'll have a blast, but it's just one of those things where you ponder...I wonder if I'll be a mom on my next birthday, but then again, I realize, there's no sense wasting time and energy on something you have no control over.

Sep 9, 2009

I'm Back!

Hi girls!!! I'm back after a much needed down time. I have missed you all so much and know I will have hours upon hours catching up on what is new with everyone. I just needed a little break for my own sanity.

Nothing is too new...Well, we've decided that we will look into adoption agencies and see what there is to offer. I think we have closed the door to donor sperm and I haven't completely given up on IVF. I just know right now is not the time. We are paying off all our debt and I'm thinking next year to look at one more opinion and we'll see. It's so hard to just step back right now, but I know nothing will happen with our finances in such a juggle as they are now. So even though it's tough, I'm handing it over to God and just TRYING to let things be right now. It's not easy and I'm sure I'll be letting you know. But I know it's what's best for us.

My mom is doing okay. She actually has her lumpectomy tomorrow. I am nervous for her, but I know she will be okay. It's just a very stressful time. Thanks for all your support and encouragement. You all are such amazing women! I am so blessed!! Please keep the prayers coming for her.

I'm officially back to work and although I was NOT excited about it in the least, I have a great group of second graders. It's nice to be on some sort of a routine. Man am I a lazy a$$ when I don't have time limits or restrictions, but it is nice for a couple months to be a complete bum!

Something pretty exciting happened a few weeks back. I actually met Kami, my blogger friend, for lunch. It was so amazing to meet someone who knew EXACTLY how I felt!! We had so much in common and both talked and talked and talked. It still amazes me we met. I think it is such a blessing.

I've missed you all and can't wait to see what's happening with all of you, but remember, I'm working now...I can't be checking all day. So it might take me awhile. Thanks for being there and understanding!! Miss you all!!!