Jul 22, 2009

Two Paths

So this morning as I was reading a book on adoption. Jesse asked me what I was doing and I told him writing down recommended questions the book suggests asking agencies. I then asked him if he called our lawyer friend. (I wanted to know if doing a fundraiser would be a legal way for us to get more funding for our baby endeaver.) He said that our lawyer said that it wasn't a good idea since Jesse owned a business and what not, blah, blah, blah. Basically it wasn't recommended, but our lawyer friend was going to check with his dad to verify.

I got a little frustrated and said something to the fact that we'll never have enough money to have a child. Everything I'm reading about open, domestic adoptions were anywhere from $20,000-30,000. Good luck. He got upset with me and said that he's not even considering adoption right now because he knows that's not what I want. He said that he knows I still have a strong desire to be pregnant and have a baby, so he can't give up on that, but in the same light, he's not ready for the next step either. He's afraid that when the baby comes and people say, "oh, jess, he has your eyes/nose/whatever," he will not be able to handle it. I told him people will say those things if they don't know we adopt too, but it won't matter at that point because the baby is ours.

He then said you won't relate because the baby will be yours. I told him let's look into donor eggs then too. He didn't say anything to that other than he needs my help and support to help him. I told him I don't know what to do or what he needs. This is where I need you guys. I have a letter that Tammy sent me, thanks Tammy! But I don't think he's ready for that. He told me he can't read any books on adoption, donor sperm, etc until he's over this. How do I help him? I don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm spending all my time trying to help myself embrace adoption and trying to get rid of my desire to have a baby. In the meanwhile, Jesse is doing the opposite. We had a counseling appointment on Monday and don't have another one til the 3rd. I just don't know what to do. Seriously this stuff is so damn maddening!! UGH!

19 comments:

Christina said...

Not sure what kind of advice to give you! But thinking of you guys as always! And why is it SO expensive to adopt a child when there are so many that need to be adopted. I understand about all of the due diligence but seriously, I'd like to see a break-down on that one..

shauna said...

I'm just a lurker, but I had a major problem with thinking that a baby would be half my husbands, but no part of me. I also talked to him and he felt the same. Have you thought about donor embryo's? It is basically the same as adopting, but you carry the baby, which seems like you would bond so much more, and you get the experience of carrying a child. I hope that you both can come to a decision that you can be happy with. I also agree that it's ridiculous that adoption costs so much when there's children that need homes. I guess when they can get as much money as they do there's no reason to make it more affordable.

Meant to be a mom said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you and your hubby are really struggling. Its hard when your both trying to except things going on around you and his focus is still on something that you've accepted.
I have no advice for you guys because I can't imagine as a man how he feels and how long it would take to be ok with the other options. But I will pray for you both, that your able to be strong and make it to a decision that works best for your family.

Dana said...

I am kinda on the same boat..but in a different way with my hubby. I just think you have to continue talking about it all and give him time to process it all in his mind and heart. I think...no offense to guys, but it takes longer with them. I am like you and working on my heart for adoption or whatever comes our way. However, Todd doesn't seem to be working as hard as me. So I hope that helps...keep on talking about it and give him time. Love and Hugs!

Jenny and Brett said...

Just an idea to raise $$ for whatever path you take... I had a group of friends who were all adopting and they had a yard sale. All of the money they raised went towards their adoptions. They even asked others to donate their un-used/unwanted items so they could sell them. Every penny helps! You don't have to advertise to people that that's what you are saving for, just have a yard sale and it's only your business what you use the $$ for...

MAK-now said...

Oh hon, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not sure what to tell you. Hubby is deadset against adopting ever because he feels like you never know what you're going to get (he has an adopted cousin who turned out BAD!) Anyway, my point is that not everyone sees things the same, even when they're the ones closest to us. I do, however, think your idea about donor eggs is an awesome one and something that you should explore. You'll both be in the same boat as far as genetics go but you will have had the experience of giving birth. Everybody wins!! Keep us posted, k?

Hillary said...

((hugs)) it sounds like you're in a really difficult place....unsure which direction is the best path for you, and you and your DH have different expectations. It's so tough!! My two cents is that your husband will need some time to process the fact that he may not have biological children. He probably needs to grieve, and guys often express that in a very different way than we do, you know? So I know it is SO HARD to wait, but I would suggest stepping back and giving him some time and space to process. But, you can totally disregard that advice -- YOU know your husband :)

makingmemom.blogspot.com

Kelli said...

Sweetie I'm so sorry that you are finding yourself with such hard decisions to make as a couple. We've had similar discussions since my eggs are the issue with us - would we adopt or use donor eggs? My hubs leans way towards donor eggs, but it's hard for me. I think it is great that you are so willing to consider other options like donor eggs or embryos. I wish I had advice or something more helpful to say. Just know I'm praying for you guys!

Ashley said...

Oh honey...I'm not sure why God gave you this to carry on your shoulders...but one day we will know the reason. I am praying that ya'll come to a decision that both makes you feel better. YOu are in my thoughts and prayers!! LOVE YOU

'Murgdan' said...

I wish there were a big advice book about how to deal with some of these issues. I mean the kind of book where I could ask...what is my husband THINKING?..and open it up and find the answer.

Sometimes we communicate well about the issues at hand, and other times I wonder if we will ever talk about it again...

Hang in there.

ICLW

Brandy said...

I think people have given you a lot of advice. I don't know your whole story (here from ICLW), but my husband is in the same boat. Give your husband time to grieve the loss of having a biological child. Does he have a brother or cousin who would be willing to donate? Or a good friend?

It's so hard, I wish none of us had to go through this!

www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com

Cassandra said...

Here from ICLW...

Do you have Mel's book Navigating the Land of IF? There's a great decision tree that explores all of the options -- it might be a good neutral way for you to have some of these discussions. There's so much to wrap your mind around; some people are never open to certain paths, but some people just need time.

Good luck dealing with all of the options!

Anita said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog!

I hate to see what a tough decision you & your husband have come to in your IF journey.
Give your husband time & keep talking & keep reading. My husband & I chose the adoption path, which hasn't necessarily been the "easiest", but it has been quite fulfilling & rewarding. Our decision was the right one for us & you will need to decide together what the right decision is for you as a couple.
This may not be the most comforting thought either, but whichever path you choose-there will probably always be the "what if's" about the other path floating around in your head. Good luck & I will be thinking of you & your husband that God will lead you down the right path for you! Thanks again for stopping by the blog :)

Noemi said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog during ICLW in june. I apologize for not responding sooner. Thank you for the encouragement.

Amber said...

Im so sorry to hear you are faced with such a difficult situation. Adoption is costly but there is also cheaper routes as well. I know the ministry we are probably going to go through the avg adoption is 5-12k and remember you get a 12k adoption tax credit too:) It does take a lot of time I admit to be ready for the adoption route but Ill praying for yall for Gods will.

Katie said...

I haven't been in your shoes, but I think your idea of having donor eggs is great too because then he'll feel equal in the contribution of making the baby. I can kind of understand why he'd feel that way. I think I would too. I'm so sorry y'all are going through such a tough time right now and I hope you get some good advice from someone who HAS been in your shoes!

Courtney said...

Good luck with everything! I hope God answers your prayers soon!

ICLW

WiseGuy said...

A tough call...hope there is a reconciliation, a common ground soon!


ICLW

Kristin said...

I am sorry you guys seem to be at such an impasse. I hope you both can decide on a course of action that brings you peace and happiness.

~ICLW