Fear, what Fear?

I posted a couple weeks back that for our first day of work, our principal took us to Camp Tamarack. This camp is geared for encouraging teamwork and cooperation. The sixth grade students always go to promote this. All of us were not looking forward to this professional development day. Ironically, we all would have preferred sitting in the media center listening to our principal yak on and on about the changes for the year.

It's not like I had a bad attitude about it, but I just thought it was lame. I mean, we're all adults, do we REALLY need this?! But, like I said, I had a smile on my face and decided my attitude was half the battle. So, we all went and our first "challenge" was to get our group across a Chocolate River (imaginary) on graham crackers (aka small pieces of wood.) The trick was the graham crackers had to have human contact at all times. If Drew (the very good looking director) noticed a piece without contact, it floated down the river. (Surprisingly we all were doing well with using our imaginations and going with the flow!! ha ha) ANYWAY... We all made it across by holding hands, supporting each other and talking with each other.




Our next challenge was we were all pirates and had to get off our sinking ship without talking. We could only talk in a certain spot and it could only be a whisper because other ships would be attacking us and they might hear us. Thank goodness, we all made it to safety again. This one was fun because we got to swing across on a rope! :)



Then after lunch, we walked over to the TANGO TOWER. It was terrifying! This thing was enormous and I, my friends, am TERRIFIED of heights. So you can just imagine my reaction when I was faced with my Nemesis, the Tango Tower.



My friend (also afraid of heights) and I decided we would do the ropes first, before anyone else. We figured we'd get it over with before we watched others and freaked ourselves out even more. I went first and I waited for my friend. Big mistake. I was shaking like a leaf and by the time I actually started climbing, I had barely any strength. When I got to the cargo part, I had nothing left, I couldn't do it. At this point, I started realizing this climb was like my climb in IF. I kept praying for God to give me strength to make it to the top, but I just had nothing left. I told the group I was coming down. I got to the bottom, arms and legs both shaking extremely PISSED! I couldn't do it.

I didn't show how upset I was. Instead I cheered other people on watching some of them make it and some of them go only as far as they were comfortable. While I was doing this, I still saw the parallel. When I couldn't deal anymore with IF, I was still supporting my blogger friends who were going about their "climb" at their own pace and satisfied with their own outcome.

After a little while, I asked if I could try it again. This time my competitiveness and stubbornness said, you aren't coming down until you touch the top of that damn tower.

Again, shaking with all my might, I got back on the ropes. This time I paced myself better, knowing what to expect. I didn't look down or back, I kept my sight upward and on my goal. I went at a pace I was comfortable, talking to myself and God along the way. I am happy to say I made it that time and I touched the top of that awful tower.


When I was coming down this time, I was ecstatic. I not only had conquered my fear of heights, but I knew in my heart that God wouldn't let me down. I might not have a baby the way that I had originally wanted or planned, my climb would be my own. But, eventually, by looking forward, not back, I will reach my goal and be satisfied and proud of myself for not giving up!


I find it very humorous that a day I thought was going to be lame and a waste, turned out to be a day I not only learned a lot about myself, but also gave me more hope in this ugly battle we call infertility. I love this picture. I did it AND I know now I can do anything I set my mind to by keeping my eye on the goal, not looking back and always looking up for guidance and support. Fear, what fear?