Jul 26, 2009

Debbie Downer

I'm so sorry I feel like I've been such a Debbie Downer for this month's ICLW. But, I'm just struggling. I have cried at some point of the day for the last few days. I can't help it, I can't explain it, I can't stop it. I guess this is healing?

Today church was a little painful. The focus is on parenting. I knew that prior to going, but figured I could do it. I did fine, except for the videos and pictures. Seriously, I can't help but wonder when our time will come. I sat with my head on Jesse's shoulder the whole time and he simply wrote down on the program "another test."

I hate that. I know that God keeps testing us, but why? Seriously when do we finally pass the dumb test?! How much more can we endure? What does He want us to do? When will He tell us His plan? Obviously OUR plan is not working and we need some help. I have been praying and praying and praying. I have been asking for Him to help us do His will, open doors that will get us there and close doors that need to be closed. I don't know what I'm listening for.

I'm just so confused and hurt. I want so desperately to be pregnant and do the thing that a woman is supposed to do. But I'm really trying to evaluate if that matters. Does it? Will it? I don't know. I'm in such a bad place right now and I'm trying with all my might to get out of this place, but I feel like I'm in quick sand. Where do I go? What do I do?

This feeling hasn't been with me this long before and I hate it. I'm so glad I have all of you to support me and help me. I can't imagine what I'd be like without you. I'm hanging in there, I'll get up, I always do, just really hard this time...

Jul 22, 2009

Two Paths

So this morning as I was reading a book on adoption. Jesse asked me what I was doing and I told him writing down recommended questions the book suggests asking agencies. I then asked him if he called our lawyer friend. (I wanted to know if doing a fundraiser would be a legal way for us to get more funding for our baby endeaver.) He said that our lawyer said that it wasn't a good idea since Jesse owned a business and what not, blah, blah, blah. Basically it wasn't recommended, but our lawyer friend was going to check with his dad to verify.

I got a little frustrated and said something to the fact that we'll never have enough money to have a child. Everything I'm reading about open, domestic adoptions were anywhere from $20,000-30,000. Good luck. He got upset with me and said that he's not even considering adoption right now because he knows that's not what I want. He said that he knows I still have a strong desire to be pregnant and have a baby, so he can't give up on that, but in the same light, he's not ready for the next step either. He's afraid that when the baby comes and people say, "oh, jess, he has your eyes/nose/whatever," he will not be able to handle it. I told him people will say those things if they don't know we adopt too, but it won't matter at that point because the baby is ours.

He then said you won't relate because the baby will be yours. I told him let's look into donor eggs then too. He didn't say anything to that other than he needs my help and support to help him. I told him I don't know what to do or what he needs. This is where I need you guys. I have a letter that Tammy sent me, thanks Tammy! But I don't think he's ready for that. He told me he can't read any books on adoption, donor sperm, etc until he's over this. How do I help him? I don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm spending all my time trying to help myself embrace adoption and trying to get rid of my desire to have a baby. In the meanwhile, Jesse is doing the opposite. We had a counseling appointment on Monday and don't have another one til the 3rd. I just don't know what to do. Seriously this stuff is so damn maddening!! UGH!

Jul 21, 2009

Welcome July ICLW!

Hello ICLWers and Hi to all my girls who read this regularly. This is my third time participating in ICLW and I'm so glad that I have. I have found some amazing friends who have been a great support system and provide me a lot of encouragement, I don't know what I'd do without you.

I will not do another ABC this month, but instead give a quick summary of what my husband and I have been dealing with. In January of 07 after almost 3 years of trying, we took the dreaded step of seeing a RE. We found out that our issue was low sperm count and were completely turned of by the RE's quick desire to have us try IVF w. ICSI so soon.

We took a couple years to try natural approaches. We saw a nutritionist who worked with us on providing supplements, changed our diet. We tried seeing an acupuncturist hoping that would work. After almost two years of this lifestyle, I urged my hubby to get a second opinion. I was so optimistic that our hard work would've paid off. We were met with much heartache as we learned that my husband's sperm count was drastically low and our chances of having our own biological child were about 20% with ICSI. We were highly recommended to use a sperm donor to improve our results. (My post titled ROUGH was my post right after for those of you interested.)

So right now my husband and I are faced with a huge decision. Donor sperm or adoption. I feel my heart is telling me to move towards adoption, but my head won't let me completely embrace this. I feel embracing this completely means giving up on ever becoming a pregnant mom. I'm unsure how to get over the desire of being pregnant. I'm afraid I will always look at pregnant women and be envious they were able to do something I will never be able to do. If you are an adoptive mom, did you have these feelings? Do you ever get over it?

I know my ultimate goal is do be a parent and have children and do feel God is pointing me there. I am just struggling to fully accept this. I'm scared.

Sorry to be such a downer on a welcome day, but I'm going through a lot now. I know you have all been there and hopefully will understand!

Jul 18, 2009

wii Fun and the Day After

I had such a great time yesterday. I went over my aunt and uncle's house to hang out and go on the boat. However, due to Michigan's non-summerlike weather, the boat was out of the question. So, I spent most of the time playing with my cousins.

We pulled out the wii and I had a blast! My 3 year old cousin, Jacob, was cracking me up playing ping-pong. I think I have a bruise on my right arm from his darn controller. We played wii fit and I got to do some hula hooping and yoga. Man, I think I'm going to put one of those things on my birthday wish list. I had a blast.

I talked with my aunt a lot about what we're going through. It's so nice to have her because she has been there and knows what I'm feeling. We had some good discussions.

Today, I'm feeling horrible though. I think it's because I read this article that says in order to get pregnant, there needs to be a half-a million sperm to even allow the sperm to get there and penetrate. I feel so dumb. I've been living on the blind hope that "it only takes one!" Dumb me!

I don't know what to do. I feel like I want to try sperm donor, but is that just me being selfish? I mean I know how hard that would be for Jesse, but at the same point, not being pregnant ever is something I just can't fathom or imagine. I don't think it's such a hard thing to ask for. It's the most natural thing that a husband and wife could do, but not us. It sucks!

The hardest part is I was so sure God was talking to me a couple weeks ago. I thought he was telling me it was okay, you'll be pregnant, you'll know what it's like to be a woman, but obviously I was wrong! I know there's options, but I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. I'm afraid of wasting tons of money. I'm afraid that if I say, "let's adopt," I'm giving up on the dream of being a pregnant mom. I'm just so sad today. It came out of nowhere and I hate it!

I feel like I don't know how to listen to what God is telling me?! What do I do? What do I do? And even more importantly, how do I deal with it? I hate this. I hate infertility, I hate that good people have to feel these horrible, raging emotions. I don't know...

Today I feel like putting every single infertility book I own up for sale and get them out of this house. I'm so sick of dealing with this crap. Seriously, I have about 10 books and not one has helped. Finding books on donor sperm is next to impossible. I just need a sign, God, please speak to me! I need your help!!!!

Jul 14, 2009

Welcome Home!

What an amazing vacation we had in Myrtle Beach. The weather wasn't stellar, but it was much better than what we had at home! :) We did a lot of relaxing and just enjoying each other's company. On the way down, Jesse's partner called and asked if he could join us (my mom had an extra unit she tried getting rid of before we left.) We said we had room, so the more the merrier. They came down later in the week.

We talked a little bit on the way down and I had my assortment of adoption books I brought for the reading. I read one of them. It's not like I am totally against adoption, I just don't know how you EVER get over the wish, dream, hope that one day you will have your own biological baby. I told Jesse my concerns and said I just don't understand how adoption is much different than donor sperm. Although with donor sperm, I would still get the opportunity to be pregnant. He told me he wasn't totally against it, we just need to do research and figure out what's best for us. He also said, "you do realize we will only have one child." That struck like another shot through the heart. I know I shouldn't be selfish, damn, I'm only trying for one now and look at all the drama we entailed, but only one kid. That's something we'll obviously have to talk about further at a later date.

We had some good discussions and decided that either way; donor sperm or adoption, wouldn't be an option (what a poet am I?! :) ) until we paid off debts and saved some money. Looking like a year or so. I guess what I'm trying to say is we had a lot of good discussions, but still a lot of questions.

I also got an email back from my doctor and she said that Jesse's hernia operation concern held some merit. She sent us paperwork for Jess to get his hormones checked out and another referral for a urologist. Is it crazy that I'm hoping that something could be done with this??? What if we find out that his surgery is the cause of his infertility? What if they can fix it? See, I'm still left with a bazillion questions, but I know whatever happens, God will get us through. We'll see?!

Thanks guys for all your support. It truly means the world to me. I'm so blessed to have found each one of you and I couldn't imagine going through this without you!! Thanks!!!

Jul 4, 2009


Rough, that's what I'd call the last couple of days. As you know, Thursday was our result day at the RE. I was so optimistic and brought along a couple lucky charms: my grandpa's pinky ring that my Grandma gave me on our wedding and a charm that my friend's mom gave me (she had 7 kids). Much to my dismay, neither lucky charm worked. The results were heartbreaking.

Nothing changed. After acupuncture, nutrition doctors, diet changes, supplements, the list goes on and on. Nothing changed. I don't know if it got worse because the last RE was so nonchalant with everything, but they are pretty bad. In order to do IVF with ICSI, our RE suggests that we use donor sperm as a back up. I wanted to bust out in tears as she was speaking those words to me, but I remained "calm."

I love our new RE. She was so considerate and kind while relaying the message, yet also very factual. I cannot say that about our first one. I feel more armed and ready for what's to come. Even though I have no idea what's to come.

The ride home was horrible, the minute I got in the car I was sobbing and I don't think I stopped most of the day. My eyes hurt so bad Thursday night. I don't think I could've cried more. My heart was broken. It was like I was told you NEVER can do this. That was Thursday.

Friday was a new day and my stubbornness wouldn't let me give up. I got up early and jumped on the computer. I couldn't understand how nothing improved. Then I started putting pieces together. Jesse had a hernia operation right before we got engaged in 2001. I did some research on that and the information I found was that the procedure he had done is now thought to have an effect on fertility. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, that HAS to be it. That HAS to be the reason. I emailed my RE and asked her what she thought about this and also if Jess could get some blood work done to see if his hormones are functioning. I'll let you know what I find out!?

I'm not ever going to give up on the chance to have a baby of our own. I feel like this scene in Dumb and Dumber...

As long as there is something, I still have hope! I'm being realistic too. I know that our chances are small and I got 3 adoption books to take with me on vacation for us to read and start to figure things out. I am also at peace. I know that God has a plan for me and I just have to be open to it and listen. It's hard, but I know that together there is nothing Jesse and I can't get through.

Thanks for all your support and prayers, you guys are truly the best. I love you more than you know! Sorry for such a long post!! :) Have a great week, I don't know if I'll be checking this on vacay. Thanks again girls!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

Jul 2, 2009

Honesty is the best policy!

My friend Kelli is so sweet she gave me this Honest award. I am so touched that others are interested and truly care about what I'm going through along this hard journey. Thanks Kelli, I love you, thanks so much!

Here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:
1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself

1. I am afraid of the dark.

2. I talk to my dogs as if they are people and will answer me?!

3. I pray for a healthy baby, but secretly would LOVE to have twins!

4. I am married to my best friend, soulmate and the person who understands me even when I don't understand myself!! I love you Babe!

5. I love watching reality tv, I'm trying to stop, but it's like a car accident, I just have to watch.

6. I read Tori Spelling's book STori Telling and I LOVED it, can't wait to read her other one.

7. I love the feeling you get after a good work out.

8. I am terribly afraid to do IVF, I'm afraid of needles, the money, the outcome, everything!!

9. I have a new respect for Britney Spears after she became a REAL person instead of the fake one she tried to be for so long.

10. One day I will be on Oprah, I love that woman!!
Here is the list of blogs that I am awarding for their honest and truly inspiring posts:
1. Dana

2. Stacey

3. Dawn

4. Melissa

5. Hannah

6. Jules

7. Kami