Dec 27, 2010

Merry Christmas or Bah Humbug?!

So this holiday season started off pretty good.  It was the first Christmas season in a LONG time that I was actually in the Christmas spirit.  I was listening to Christmas music, excited for my family to come over on Christmas Eve, I even talked Jesse into putting up out tree this year.  (He hasn't put it up the last few years because we "don't have a reason" for it.  It's his way of dealing with our infertility...)

So, I was off to a good start, but then those feelings came bubbling out.  I tried to suppress them, but by Christmas Eve night, I couldn't help it.  I sobbed in Jesse's arms.  Every year friends and family tell us this is it, this is the last year you'll be childless and ever Christmas is the same.  I watch others with their children or worse yet, the dreaded Christmas announcements of babies to come in the next year.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not happy for these people.  It's just that I am sad that I won't ever get to have a Christmas announcement.  It's hard.  It's really hard.  Christmas is supposed to be happy time, but every Christmas I feel the loss of what I don't have.  I honestly thought I was off to a better start, but here I am with these nasty feelings.

I think the hardest part was Jesse got sick at his parent's house on Christmas day, so we came home early and didn't go to my grandma's house.  He went directly to bed and I played wii by myself.  Some Christmas...

I just wish and pray that this FINALLY the last Christmas without our baby.  But the sad part is, who knows?!
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Dec 20, 2010

Wow! That Was Rough!

Does anyone watch Giuliana and Bill?  I stopped watching awhile back because their journey hit so close to home, I couldn't deal with it.  Over the weekend, at our family Christmas, a cousin was talking about the show.  Tonight was the season finale, so I taped a few past episodes and watched tonight.

My eyes hurt I have cried so hard.  Watching Giuliana and Bill go through all the drama they experienced on this last cycle was just like watching Jesse and I on the TV.  Yes, I know, Jesse and I never experienced a retrieval or a transfer, but all the emotional things she talked about was as if she was taking the words out of my mouth.

The thing that got me was the final scene when they get the call from their doctor and it was more bad news.  They were so hopeful, they had thought they did everything right, they were so SURE!  That's the part that was me.  How many times was I there?  I knew that this would be the month.  This would be the cycle.  My heart just breaks.

The hardest part is there are so many couples going through that on a daily basis.  Why?  Why does it have to be that way?  Why can people who aren't trying or don't want babies able to conceive and people who would do ANYTHING can't?  Why?

I know life's not about fairness, but infertility is just so damn UNFAIR!  I'm sorry to be so down in this post, but I sometimes just wallow in this pain.  Infertility stinks!

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Dec 13, 2010

I LOVE MY HUSBAND!

So way back in November of 1999, Jesse came back to work at the restaurant we worked in throughout high school.  I had ALWAYS had a HUGE crush on the kid, but I could never ask a guy out in high school.

Well...One night I went in to work to pick up my check or something and Jesse was working.  I left a note on his car asking him to do something sometime and the rest, my friends, was history.  We started dating shortly after and well, you know how that story ends.

Today I was cleaning up the basement during my snow day and I found a box of old notes and cards and pictures.  I even found THE NOTE!  Here it is.  Now I'm racking my brain trying to think of something cool to do with the note for Christmas.  I honestly have the best husband.  I love him so much!


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My Little Thief and Winter Fun!

So a few weeks back, I was sitting in my reading chair enjoying the book, The Help, (my review in a previous post!) and eating some yummy green beans. This is what it looked like when I got up to answer the phone.

When I got back from answering the phone, this is what I found...



My little Peanut enjoying one of my green beans.  I swear, there is NOTHING that little thief won't eat!  
Yesterday we had a blizzard of snow.  Our first snow of the 2010-2011 Winter kicked Southeast Detroit's rear end.  Here are some pics of the snow around here.  The snow was beautiful, but it was so heavy, branches were falling and many houses lost power.  We were very fortunate.




The best part is...SNOW DAY TODAY!!!  YAY!!!!
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Dec 11, 2010

WOW! FREE BLOG DESIGN GIVE AWAY!!

Hey all!  Go check out April Showers blog.  She is giving away a free blog design for Blogger or Wordpress.  All you have to do is post something about her blog.  She has excellent tutorials that I have used to help with my blog.  You should go check it out.  Good luck, but I really hope I win!!! :0)
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Two Thumbs UP

So I just finished reading two of the best books EVER!  The first one was sooo good!  It's The Crowning Glory of Calla Lily Ponder.  The book made me ugly cry, but it was so good.  It addressed all my fears in life.  Infertility, death of a parent, death of a spouse, past loves...I learned that this book was not one that you take with you to places, because it seriously made me cry and because of all MY fears the book addressed, I cried the ugly time while reading this.  It was such a good book though!  I totally recommend it!




Then the second book I read was one that I was hearing a LOT about, The Help.  I was a little surprised by the length of the book, but wow!  What an excellent book.  I am fascinated by history especially issues dealing with segregation and racial issues.  This book takes the prospective of Miss Skeeter, a white woman living in Mississippi in the 60s who just doesn't quite fit in with the other ladies in the league.  Minny, an outspoken black maid and Abileen, an older black maid who you just can't help falling in love with.  These women go through quite the journey in this book.  It was such a well written, wonderful book.  I just learned they are making into a movie.  I'm so glad I read the book because I know there is NO WAY the movie will live up to how well the book was written.

So there, those are my two thumbs up book recommendations.  Go read them!  You won't be disappointed!  


Now that I'm done, anyone have anything they recommend?!




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Nov 30, 2010

Okay Girls...I Need Some SPERM help!

What a funny title is that?  :)  Seriously though, I need some help.  I'm trying to google it and I'm getting frustrated because all I'm getting is medical jargon.  I just want someone to help explain it in everyday language.  I just emailed our RE, but I don't think I can wait.  (And Jesse says I need to work on my patience?!  HMPH!)

Okay, so Jesse went and got a new SA for giggles.  It went from having amorphous and tapered forms to having pinheads, bent heads and amorphous forms.  I know these are not good, but does anyone know what the heck they mean?!  Any help would be GREATLY appreciated!

I'll share what I find out from the doctor...

Thanks gals!
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Nov 28, 2010

Don't Forget to Remember

 That was the theme of church today.  Don't forget to remember.  It was such a nice service.  The first few minutes or so they had clips of sounds, birds chirping, waves, eggs frying, roller coasters, and the church organ.  During this time, you were supposed to remember and reflect on whatever came to mind.  For me it was many memories from my childhood.  I thought back to the summers spent at the lake by my grandparents.  The joys of summer and my innocence of just wanting to play and swim.  Family reunions at the campgrounds.  Remembering all the joy that weekend brought to me each and every year with my cousins who were the coolest people I know!  Fourth of July at the lake again.  Watching the fireworks, sparklers and just being with my family.  Thanksgiving and Christmas mornings, when mom would make scrambled eggs and bacon.  We would get up and watch the parades as breakfast was cooking.  Some other memories were family vacations to Cedar Point, Disney World, and Six Flags.  The church organ reminded me of my grandparents church.  It is so old and beautiful; ceilings painted, stained glass windows, candles...The last memory was of my wedding day.  All the joy I felt that day.  All the excitement of our lives to be.  All the wonder of how many children we'd have, who they'd look like and just being overjoyed for marrying the man who is my soul mate!

Then we had time to reflect on what we were thankful for.  This part was a little harder for me.  I mean, I thought of the obvious things.  I'm thankful for my family, my friends, my job, my house, our dogs...  But then I really started thinking.  What am I thankful for and the funny thing was I started thinking of things I NEVER thought I'd be thankful for.  I am thankful for Jesse's horrible job that he had prior to owning the pizzeria.  Oh how I hated that job!  Owning a restaurant/bar and being the only sensible partner with work ethic, Jesse was never home!  He never was around.  I think back to the first few years we were married and if you wouldn't have known I was married, you never would've guessed it.  I was at everything ALONE!  Because of that horrible job, we are both able to see the value in everything we do together.  And I know in my heart that had he stayed in that job, we wouldn't be where we are today.  I highly doubt we'd even still be married. 

From there I thought of our difficulty in trying to have a baby.  Had God have granted this wish when we thought we were ready, I don't think Jesse would've left the job above and I know we, for sure, wouldn't be on this walk of faith we are now. 

It has been through these difficult times that God made himself evident in our lives.  Had we received everything we prayed for and wished for, we would've taken God and all our blessings for granted.  I'm not saying we wouldn't have believed in God.  We went to church, but through all these difficulties, things changed.

I began to question God and for a LONG time, I was angry at God.  After all, we had done it all "right" according to God.  We didn't live together before we got married, we loved each other, we went to church...  So, I stopped going to church.  For a LONG time!  I would yell and scream and say that there can't be a God, because how could he do this to us?!  Didn't he love us?!  Why wasn't he listening?! 

Little did I know, he does love us, he was listening, I just had to change my thoughts.  Through a chain of events that I tried my damnedest to control, God took the steering wheel and directed us to a group that would change our lives.  We went through a Dave Ramsey course with people that saved our finances, our lives and our marriage!  While meeting with these people week after week, they talked about the church they went to and about their views.  We decided to check it out.  We went to this church.  I had the feeling that this had to be it. 

Thank goodness we did, because that church and those people have changed our lives forever.  I never thought I'd be one of those people who would proclaim my love for God, but here I am.  I have heard this reference a few times in the past few weeks...A turtle on a fence post.  The only way the turtle got there was through the help of someone.  That turtle couldn't have clawed his way to the top, someone had to have put him there.  That's how I feel about our lives right now.  There's no way we would be where we are today without the help of others.  Chris, Adelaide, Stacie, Greg, Kristi, Sean, Julianne and Patrick, I am so thankful God brought us to you when he did.  We were lost, afraid and had no direction.  Now, a little less than 2 years from the time we met, Jesse and I are not lost anymore.  We know who we are, we aren't afraid anymore, God is with us.  We know where we're going...Wherever God puts us!  Because the only reason we are where we are is because of God's gift.

All of this is a gift.  The good times, the bad times, all of it.  So instead of looking where we're not and what we're lacking, I plan to See the good God blesses us with, Stop to appreciate it and Say thanks for all that I have in my life.



Nov 27, 2010

Nov 24, 2010

Dreams

So as I wake up on this day before Thanksgiving, I had one of the best dreams ever!  I had a dream that we were blessed with the miracle of twins!  I don't remember how it happened, but I was there holding my boy and girl in my arms.

That don't remembering part has me thinking as I type it.  Really, does it REALLY matter how my babies get to me?!  The longer we're traveling this journey, the more and more it really doesn't matter to me!  All I want is to be a Mommy.  Have my baby(ies) here with us where they belong.  Until that day comes, I'll just pray and dream about them!  One day they will make it home!!  I will be one excited Mommy when that happens.

As weird as it sounds I am thankful for my infertility.  I hear so many friends that say that they don't appreciate their children and take their ability to have a family and be a Mommy for granted.  When I become a Mom, I will cherish EVERYTHING!  It will ALL be a gift...the good and the bad.  Without my infertility I would probably fall into the category with my friends.

I really have a lot to be thankful for.  We have such an amazing support system of family and friends, it truly humbles me.  The fundraiser was a success and a total BLAST!  I will post pictures later.  We are still amazed by the outpouring of love and support.  Our baby better be ready for all the love  he/she will experience when they finally come home!  There are MANY people waiting for him/her and will be pouring all their love.  Hurry home, little one, hurry home!!

Nov 21, 2010

Hurry! It Ends TODAY! and ICLW!

Jess over at A Greater Yes is hosting a giveaway that ends today!  She is giving away the book When The Cradle Is Empty by John and Syliva Van Regenmorter.   I have not read it, but I would be interested in reading it.  Go to her site and check it out!  Good luck!



Hi ICLW!  We have a busy day today.  We are hosting a fundraiser for our adoption.  We have recently become an official family in waiting and so...we are waiting for our family to start.  We spent 6 years dealing with infertility of low sperm count and saw many specialist from acupuncturists, to nutrition doctors, to many infertility specialists.  After finally deciding being a Mommy and Daddy meant more to us than being pregnant, we starting pursuing adoption.  Little did we know there was the miracle of embryo adoption.  We are currently pursuing both domestic infant adoption and embryo adoption until one path becomes more clear!  That's our story in a nutshell!  Welcome!

Fundraising!

With our fundraiser today, I am really excited.  We had a lot of people surprise us with donations.  My aunt said she has a lot of people from her work who want to help us out with our adoption journey.  So, we decided to start a website for us.  Here is the link if you are able at all to help!


I'll post some pictures later from the outing.  It's going to be a great time!

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Nov 8, 2010

Waiting, Waiting and Oh Yeah...MORE WAITING!

I do not do well with waiting and here we go...The waiting is in full swing!  I finished my profile book on
Saturday.  I can't do anything with the embryo until next week, at the earliest.  So it looks like it's just waiting for me!  I want to know if anyone has viewed our online page, I want to know how long it will take, I want to know when our darling baby will make it home!  All of these are out of my hands.  Guess we'll just Wait and See! 
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Nov 2, 2010

So annoyed!

  So...I called the embryo lady today to set up our 3 way phone conference with me, Jesse and this embryo specialist.  Imagine my complete frustration when I call and get this message, "I will be out of the office from October 29th- November 15th!"  WHAT?!  Over 2 weeks this woman will be "away!"  

Do you think it ever crossed her mind when she sent the email to me on MONDAY, OCT. 25th to MAYBE mention that little bit of information?!  The best part is she called me back, but I was in a meeting all day and said that she is pretty open the week she gets back.  The week she gets back are my conferences.  UGH!  

I called her back and asked if there was any way we could schedule something while she is "away" and that had I known she was going to be away for so long, I would've tried to set something up faster.  Jess is crazy busy the week of Halloween and I was too.  I didn't think I'd have this to deal with.

After I talked to her I called Jesse hoping to find a little comfort.  NO SUCH LUCK!  When I called him expecting him to tell me, "Oh that stinks!" or "I'm sorry."  All I got was, "It is was it is Shell!"  Thanks for your sympathy.  I'm not too happy right now and I feel completely BUMMED!


Oct 27, 2010

Paypal or Something Else?

Hey guys!  I need your help!  We are doing a fundraiser to help us with all the adoption fees.  I know there is someway to set up a paypal account to accept donations.  I don't know how to do it.  Is there anyone out there who has set up a paypal or other online account to accept donations for your infertility or adoption?  Please help!

Here's a link to our flyer! We are sooo excited!

Oct 25, 2010

We're official!!!!!

I hope this works!  Here is the link to our page.  We are an "official family in waiting!"  Birthmoms can now view our page and see our portfolio book.  OH MY GOSH!!!  I am beyond excited!!!!!!!!!

http://www.bethany.org/A55798/bethanyWWW.nsf/0/7CD0D11E36A3A180852577C7005423C3







 

Oct 16, 2010

Catching You Up...

So, I FINALLY finished my letter.  I sent it into our adoption worker and she told me it was too long...Go figure.  So.  It is officially done now and on it's way to be completed with Bethany.  We just got our completed home study.  So just waiting for them to get the letter and all our pictures and video and we are official!!

I've got to call Debbie in GR to make sure she knows we're ready to go on the embryo front.  OH MY GOSH!!!  THINGS ARE MOVING!!!!!!!  WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!

Awards, YAY!

I have been nominated for 2 awards.  Lex awarded me with the Versatile Blogger award.  Thanks Lex!  OK. So what I have to do is share 7 things about myself  and then pass the award on to 7 people.

1.  I tried out for the Mickey Mouse Club when I was in 6th grade.  I was obsessed with the show and would always daydream about being on the show.  That was BEFORE Britney, Justin and Christina were on it.  Needless to say, I didn't have what it took!

2.  Since I was about 7, I have been an MTV junkie.  After I turned 30, I tried to stay away, telling myself that I was too old and that I needed a new show.  I have grown up a little, but I can't tear myself away from The Challenges, True Life, 16 and pregnant and Teen Mom. (I am addicted to Teen Mom, I think mostly because Catelynn and Tyler are using the same adoption agency we use and we see things and places we know since we live in the same area.  Okay, okay, I'm just addicted!)

3.  I have a fear of basements and the dark.  I don't think this is a normal fear, but a fear nonetheless.  I will not go downstairs at night if I am home by myself.  Don't you know only BAD things can happen then! 

4.  My grandfather was a mortician, so I am not afraid of death.  He lived above the funeral home and we would go over there all the time.  We just had to "keep it down" if he had a viewing.  My favorite was when he would come upstairs to yell at us for running around and told "it sounds like a herd of elephants up here!"  The best was when he didn't have a viewing, we had a HUGE area to run and play. 

5.  My dad is number 2 out of 12 siblings.  I love having a huge family.  There are around 40 cousins ages ranging from 35-2.  It's pretty cool.  Because of my dad's side, I always dreamed of having a large family...

6.  I love make up and one day want to go to beauty school to be a make up artist.  I would probably have to go for esthetician, because I have no desire to do hair.  Although maybe that would be a good thing and I could learn how to actually make my hair look half way decent!

7.  Eventually I think Jesse and I will be moving to one of the Carolinas.  We LOVE it down there and Jesse keeps saying it's part of his 10 year plan.  I don't know why, but I feel like that could become our new home!



Jess also nominated me for the Lovely Blogger.  Thanks Jess!  I'm going to cheat and combine these together...I hope you don't mind.  The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are as follows:
Accept your award and post it on your blog along with a link to the person who has sent it to you. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you have newly discovered. You must contact the person to let them know that you have chosen them to receive the award.

Okay, so I'm going to cheat a little and combine these 2 wonderful awards:

1.  Kelli over at Life, Love and the Miracle of Adoption
2.  Amber over at Life in the Last Frontier
3.  Lori over at Everyday Blessings
4.  Ashlee over at Savor the Moment
5.  Em over at Snowflakes are One of a Kind
6.  Kel over at From You and Me to Family of Three
7.  Laura over at The Best is Here
8.  Tammy over at Tammy's Journey
9.  Jen at Womb for 1 More
10.  Rachel at The Adoption Chronicles

Sep 27, 2010

Dragging Feet

So we are waiting again, story of our lives.  However, I SHOULD be working on a birth mom letter so when the adoption report is done, we can be actively working our way down both paths.  Why then oh why can I NOT get this darn thing started?  I will think of every excuse under the sun to not work on it.  I know once I sit down and actually do it, it will be done, I'll feel great and life will be wonderful.  I just can't get myself to get to it...  Any suggestions?!

 

Sep 20, 2010

Waiting

Thank you for all your encouragement and support.  I honestly don't know how ANYONE does this without the blogger world.  You guys are honestly the best support system and friend ever!

The interviews were a piece of cake.  I was a little annoyed because as some of you might recall, over the summer I stressed and stressed, oh and stressed a little more about the damn questionnaire we had to answer.  Well over half of the questions, she "touched" on a little more.  Then she asked a lot of questions about my parents and what they did as their careers.  I know what they do now, but I just know where they worked while I was growing up, I don't know what their responsibilities were.  I'm sure it's fine!  It was just LONG!  1 1/2 hours. 

But, she told me to give her 3-4 weeks and she'll have the report done.  She said typically she gets them done sooner, about 2 weeks, but plan on 3-4.  After that, as long as we have our birth mom letter done and our profile book, we're all set with domestic.

As for embryo, the lady had me ecstatic last week.  I called after Jesse's appointment to give her the low-down.  She told me that as soon as Dawn is done with our adoption report to send it to her.  From there we will have a phone conference to discuss our preferences.  After that, she will send us a "formal" application and we, of course, will send in a check.  From there we should get our matching profiles and things should be rolling.  I'm hoping by Thanksgiving, but planning for Christmas.  Either way...YAY!!  She also told me they have many more donors than recipients.  I'm so excited. 

I'm hoping by the middle of October, we should have both of our paths moving.  Whichever one lands us to the baby God has been preparing us for, I'm 100% okay with. 

Friends keep telling me, I can't believe it's finally happening.  I know!  I can't believe I'm not just talking about it, but things are actually moving...and moving FORWARD! 

I'm not going to lie.  My birthday was yesterday and it was much harder to turn 3-1!  I kept thinking about where I had always imagined myself at 31 and where I'm not.  At church yesterday, on my actual birthday, they talked about worrying and trusting in God while you wait.  I know that God has a plan and although I don't really understand why people have to go through all this heartache and pain, but I know the day that baby comes home to us, all this will not matter anymore.  It was all meant to be when we have our precious baby here at home with us.  So, I'm trying to not look at 31 in what it's not,  but instead look at it for what's to come.
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Sep 13, 2010

Getting Anxious

I'm so excited.  Tomorrow is my individual meeting with Dawn, our adoption worker.  I don't know what to expect, but I am just so anxious to get this going.  Jesse's meeting is Wednesday.  I'll probably work on the Dear Birthmom letter some time this week and then get going on the profile book.  I feel like this is a dream.  I feel like it's all finally coming in to place.  I'm beyond excited!!!  I can't wait!!!!!

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Sep 12, 2010

Okay...Here's the NEW video


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Okay.  So as I was looking at it today, I realized I had a picture labeled Michelle's family, but it was missing my sister!  DOH!  That was bad!  And the pictures I wanted to add of one of my bestest friends ever were still sitting on my desktop.  I don't know how people sit in front of a computer all day and are productive.  We saw how many mistakes I made doing that.  Hopefully this one has everyone, but I'm sure I'll be making a few more changes before Bethany gets their hands on it! :)




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Oops!

Oops!  Yes, the video would be something that the birthmother could look at.  Another type of "portfolio."  Bethany recommends doing one like this because the birthmothers are so young (typically) it is a form of media they are used to.

Thanks for the comments, you guys are the best!  I can't watch the video without crying.  When Jess got home from work tonight, he watched it.  He was crying too.  The song is actually our wedding song.  I thought it was perfect for this as well!  Love you guys.  Now I'm off to sleepy!  Night, night!


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Sep 11, 2010

Let Me Know What You Think...


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So, I've been busy all day working on this. Let me know what you think. I'm not sure if I should keep the captions or not?!

As for the home study...Thanks for all your support! You are the best!! It was such a breeze. It lasted for an hour at the most. They came shortly after 6. They asked us some questions about our answers from our HUGE packet. Then we answered more questions about the neighborhood, community, etc. They went on a quick "tour" of the house. They gave us paperwork. We set up our next appointments for Tues and Wed of next week. After that is done, in a bout 3-4 weeks, they will compile a written report. We will have to get our Dear Birthmother letter ready and some other things. As long as that is all complete, by the end of the 4 weeks, we could be a "family in waiting!" Thanks for all your support, you guys mean the world to us!! We love you so much!!


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