May 6, 2009

Back in action and lower than EVER!

Hello. I feel like it's been AGES!!! Ugh, our computer totally bit it and I lost every single document, song, picture...UGh! But at least I'm up and running again. We'll get there, we'll get there.

So, I had a roller coaster week. My period was scheduled to make it's debut Monday, April 27th. Much to my liking...It never came, nor the next day nor the next day...Fast forward to Monday, May 4th. Yep, you guessed it. She made her grand entrance 1 week late. Although during that week I kept talking to myself and telling myself not to get excited, yeah right. I knew I didn't feel the way I did the last time, so in my head I knew it wasn't, but how do you tell your heart to give up? So, I hope and prayed and hoped and prayed and hoped and prayed some more.

Then on that horrible, crampy, wish I could forget day, it came. I took it pretty hard. I mean, I get bummed when my period comes each and every month, but I can deal with it when it is ON TIME and there is nothing to get me psyched about. Not to mention, I was already geeking out about THIS Mother's Day finally being MY Mother's Day. Or that I could surprise my dad with some awesome news on his 60th birthday. All these things that I was secretly hoping for, were a fantasy in the blink of an eye.

I feel like God was playing some evil joke on me. Ha, ha Stupid, you fell for it. Hook, line and SINKER! I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I have been trying. When I got sick I kept thanking God. Maybe this is what I need to slow down to make it happen. I've been more positive, but I am very disheartened right now. It's so hard to pick myself up after this one.

I have tried and some of the things I came up with were:
This had to happen and my period came a week late because when it finally does happen, the timing will be PERFECT!

All the paint fumes and chemicals from Spring clean up at church would've harmed the baby, so it's really a good thing.

It's not our time and I just have to trust in God. (This is the hardest one!)

How do I let it go? How do I stop this obsessing? Please help me if you can. I feel very helpless and don't know how to lift this to God and just let it be...

Oh and we're going to RE #2 for our first appointment for a second opinion tomorrow. Wish me luck! Tomorrow will be better, tomorrow it will be brighter, tomorrow is a new day!!!


Ashley said...

Glad to have you back!! Praying that everything works out with RE #2

just me, dawn said...

good luck tomorrow! and wish i could help with the obsessing....but no answers on that here.

cindyhoo2 said...

Hi, I found you through Dagny.

I don't know why AF had to be so late this month to get your hopes up or why TTC has to be so hard. But I know that God is big enough to handle your anger. His Grace is sufficient.

Wishing you all the best.

Jamie said...

Good luck tomorrow, Michelle! I'll be praying for you.

Stacey said...

Ugh, it is SO frustrating when you are late and hoping, only to be disappointed. I'm sorry. Hoping that your waiting will soon be over. Hope your doctor visit was okay!

dawn said...

i found you through IComLeavWe.

i don't think there is really a way to control our anticipation or hopes. i guess we just have to know that ultimately, it is out of our control. no amount of worry or hope will make anything happen. it's hard to live in the now vs. living in the what if or the future, but i've wasted so many precious NOW moments on that worry; i'm robbing myself of the present.
best of luck to you and your husband. you are not alone.

Christina said...

Everytime that I read what you are writing, I can relate to it but in a different example. And, to me, I just can't compare my real life disappointments to this. It is so unfair and I get so mad sometimes. You know I'm thinking of you and sending baby dust to you everyday! Love, CMH