Nov 21, 2011

She's HERE!

What a crazy day!  It started off with me emailing the agency saying I was so frustrated with everything and ended with the birth of our daughter!!  We are parents!!  Our daughter, name still yet to be determined, was born today, November 21, 2011 at 4:20 pm.  She weighed 5 1/2 lbs with jet black hair.  We aren't able to meet her yet.  Due to our adoption being closed, we have to wait until birthmom is discharged.

This is insane!!!  I'm a flippin mother!!!  AHHHHHHHHHH!!!  Details and pictures to come!!  Love you guys!!

Nov 10, 2011


I don't know why I'm so surprised.  God is amazing!  I have been struggling with negativity in my life.  It has been convicting me for quite awhile, but it's such a hard habit to break.  It's hard to not get wrapped up with the drama of things that happen in school or to not let the garbage you hear about what's coming down the line in education to not affect you.  It's hard, and I've been failing hard core.

Yesterday, I was so upset because of things that happened at school...

Then I go to small group and the card we have to apply this week is Replace Negativity.  Hello, God, I know you're talking to me.  Every time a negative thought enters our head, we have to replace the complaint with something of gratitude.  I have my watch on the wrong wrist as a visual reminder.  I do not want to be this negative person.

As if that wasn't enough last night, I sit down to read my devotional and bible this morning and the devotional is "Emotions: Who's In Charge of Yours?"  Seriously?  I am so getting this and not messing this up!  I don't want the world's opinions to drive my emotions, I want to be a positive person who people seek.  I know this will be extremely hard for me, but I am willing to take on the challenge.  I pray that God will be with me and allow me to break one more thing in the cycle Jesse and I have set out to break in our families.  Negativity is a huge one in my family.  I don't want to follow the path of family members before me.  I am willing to create my own path, knocking down barriers that will be there to stop me and make me fail.  I know this will be hard, but I know with God's strength, this is something I can overcome.

Today, and everyday, Lord, I pray that you allow me to stop focusing on the negative of this world and allow me to see the bigger picture.  The problems that consume my life are not my life.  You are.  Please help me to stop focusing on what the world, my community and my co-workers deem important.  What is most important to me is You and Your Love.  Your son died for my sins and that is an ultimate gift.  I pray that when negative thoughts enter my mind, you give me the strength to see past them.  I need your guidance to shift the lens off of me and my problems and focus them outward.  Help me to see the beauty in every day and in everything.  Please be with me.  In Jesus' name I pray.


Nov 5, 2011

I Have to Get This Out

I have had something on my heart for awhile and I hope that God gives me the words to say it the way my heart intends for it to come across.  Trish is in heaven and the day after we said our final good-bye, we got the call about our baby.  I have found this to be extremely weird.  Our prayers were answered when God took Trish to be home with him.  I find this strange.

What I find the most strange, is I have had a feeling for quite some time now that when Trish passed, our baby would be on the way.  I can't explain it, it's just some sinking feeling I had deep down in my core.  This feeling was so strong that at the memorial last Thursday, I was looking into Trish's eyes in the beautiful portrait that was there and I found myself thanking her.  I had no idea that the next day would be the day that would change our lives forever, but I felt that Trish had to go for this to happen.  I knew in my heart that Trish would have some way of "making it happen."

I hope I am doing this post justice. I, by NO means, was hoping for Trish to go.  I would have prayed for her to stay with us forever.  That's why it was so hard for me to pray the prayer Stacie, her daughter-in-law and our friend, asked us to pray.  She asked us to pray that the pain go away and if that meant her going to heaven, then that was God's will.  I fought that prayer with tears streaming down my face and yelling, "no!"  But, after the shock of the possibility of losing Trish faded a little, I felt a sense of calm.  A calm that I was fighting God's will and that is a losing battle.  Trish was in a lot of pain and how selfish of me to pray for her to stay her when I could pray for the pain to go away.  So, I mustered up all the courage I had to pray those words.

Trish was an important person in my life.  She was one of those people who never wanted the spotlight, she was happy sitting on the sidelines cheering everyone on.  I have NO DOUBT in my mind, she is up in heaven smiling down and cheering us on as we await our new baby.  The only thing that breaks my heart more is that Trish will never get to hold our baby and love on it the way she loved on every baby she ever came across.  But I know that Trish is happy we got the call.  I don't know why I'm crying so hard right now, because I know she up there smiling and telling me how silly I am right now.  But, I can't help but feel a little guilty.  We lost someone dear to both Jesse and me and then we also got the best news in the world, but I can't help but wonder if this is all true.  Did Trish have to go for our prayers to be answered?

This is supposed to be a happy time for me, but I'm having a hard time.  I don't care what anyone says, I know in my heart that Trish had a part in this and I don't think I'll ever be able to express how much Trish means to me and how much I love her!


Nov 1, 2011

Pinch Me!

I feel like the past few days has been a dream.  Did Friday really happen??  I had to get a hold of the adoption worker just to hear her talk and make sure that I didn't imagine it.

No, it's real.  Some new information I found out is the birth family wants no interaction with us at all in the hospital.  We will not be allowed contact with the baby until point of discharge to eliminate the possibility of a run-in with us and the birth family.  Booo!!  That will be hard, but I'm sure we'll survive.

I also asked about the sex of the baby.  That is unknown.  The birthmom doesn't want to know that at this time.

That's the status so far.  I think I'm going to try and get a good night's sleep.  I haven't slept well since Friday!!  Seriously, am I dreaming...someone pinch me!