Jul 4, 2009


Rough, that's what I'd call the last couple of days. As you know, Thursday was our result day at the RE. I was so optimistic and brought along a couple lucky charms: my grandpa's pinky ring that my Grandma gave me on our wedding and a charm that my friend's mom gave me (she had 7 kids). Much to my dismay, neither lucky charm worked. The results were heartbreaking.

Nothing changed. After acupuncture, nutrition doctors, diet changes, supplements, the list goes on and on. Nothing changed. I don't know if it got worse because the last RE was so nonchalant with everything, but they are pretty bad. In order to do IVF with ICSI, our RE suggests that we use donor sperm as a back up. I wanted to bust out in tears as she was speaking those words to me, but I remained "calm."

I love our new RE. She was so considerate and kind while relaying the message, yet also very factual. I cannot say that about our first one. I feel more armed and ready for what's to come. Even though I have no idea what's to come.

The ride home was horrible, the minute I got in the car I was sobbing and I don't think I stopped most of the day. My eyes hurt so bad Thursday night. I don't think I could've cried more. My heart was broken. It was like I was told you NEVER can do this. That was Thursday.

Friday was a new day and my stubbornness wouldn't let me give up. I got up early and jumped on the computer. I couldn't understand how nothing improved. Then I started putting pieces together. Jesse had a hernia operation right before we got engaged in 2001. I did some research on that and the information I found was that the procedure he had done is now thought to have an effect on fertility. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, that HAS to be it. That HAS to be the reason. I emailed my RE and asked her what she thought about this and also if Jess could get some blood work done to see if his hormones are functioning. I'll let you know what I find out!?

I'm not ever going to give up on the chance to have a baby of our own. I feel like this scene in Dumb and Dumber...

As long as there is something, I still have hope! I'm being realistic too. I know that our chances are small and I got 3 adoption books to take with me on vacation for us to read and start to figure things out. I am also at peace. I know that God has a plan for me and I just have to be open to it and listen. It's hard, but I know that together there is nothing Jesse and I can't get through.

Thanks for all your support and prayers, you guys are truly the best. I love you more than you know! Sorry for such a long post!! :) Have a great week, I don't know if I'll be checking this on vacay. Thanks again girls!!! I LOVE YOU!!!


Christina said...

As soon as I saw the title of your post, I knew what the results were and I'm so sorry! We are thinking of you both and praying that you will be blessed with children! I am glad that you have found a possible new lead. I'm also happy that you have found such a great doctor. Let us know what you find out ***HHHUGGGSS***

Dagny said...

I'm so freaking sorry that you got bad news. :( My heart is hurting for you both.

Keep up the fight. And hang in there.


just me, dawn said...

so sorry that the news wasn't what you had prayed for...good for you for pursuing all options. ((hugs))

Ashley said...

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this! You are in my prayers!! Don't give up hope!! ((HUGS))

twondra said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. I do understand being told you have to use donor sperm as we've been down that road. And after our failed IVF, we were told we had to use donor eggs. It's hard. I know every situation is different though and I can't imagine what you're giong through right now.

If you need to talk, I'm here. I think my email comes up with this comment. If not, you can email me through my blog.

I'm so sorry sweetie. (((HUGS)))

Meant to be a mom said...

my heart is breaking for you guys! I am praying for God to point you in the direction your meant to go with strength and support always. I'm praying for you both to have children in your future that your blessed and happy to have. And you know what your right!! Ther is a chance. You may even adopt and then end up having a baby of your own. Who knows. But just know that you have prayers from us and that we are thinking of you.

Also I LOVE the movie clip. It made me smile and sent good feelings of hope throughout me. Nice video choice.
I hope you guys enjoy your trip.

Kelli said...

Every RE that I have seen has used the words "donor eggs" in their first meeting with me. I know how much that word "donor" can sting...but we have a BIG GOD with BIG PLANS for us and however He chooses to make us moms is the way it should be - and will be one day soon!!! Hope you enjoy your vacation!! xoxoxoxo

Hillary said...

Sweetie, I am SO sorry and wish I could give you a real hug. I remember all of that crazy anticipation waiting for the results...and fearing that there would be no improvement. It is a big blow. In the midst of the pain I know how hard it is to see, but please rest in the beautiful truth that God is in control and will work all things for your good. I don't know how that will look, but he is faithful. ((hugs))

♥Tabitha said...

I'm so sorry you recieved some bad news. I pray that you find the right path-and some answers-soon. You will be in my prayers!!

Just Another Infertile said...

Hey Michelle,

That sucks to get news like that. I know how you feel. When my DH got his severe male factor IF diagnosis it was shocking. Sometimes there are certain things that are wrong and no amount of vitamins, supplements, or other treatments will help. This was the case with us. Hopefully it is not the case with you, but even if it is you should hold on to hope.

I have to wonder how low his count is if they are suggesting donor sperm as a backup for ICSI. My DH's count was .14 million (as in point one four million). Normal is about 20 million. He had some low motility too. Never did our clinic mention donor sperm as a backup. My doc was confident they could get what they needed from him. We did need to save two frozen samples to use as backup. I don't think they used these.

Let me know if you have any specific questions. Don't give up!
Just like your video clip (which was hilarious when you relate it to IF), there is a chance!

Stacey said...

Michelle, I'm sorry about your appointment. I can imagine it was like a kick in the gut. One time my doctor mentioned donor eggs and it hit me pretty hard. I like how you're holding on to what may seem like slim chances! You just never know. I'm believing with you and hoping that it will work out for you.

(Love the clip! That's one of my favorite movies.) :o)

ryanandjoesmom said...

Oh man. What a downer. Hope you are still hanging onto that inner peace. Glad to see you still have a sense of humor. That is one of the best movies.

Hang in there! Sending you big hugs!