So the last few weeks have been pretty crazy. We had something going everyday for the past two weeks...LITERALLY. Not kidding! Thank goodness that's all over with. We made it. Conferences done, stress done. Time for the holidays. Can you believe it? Yikes, I'm not ready!
We have spent the last two months really soul searching and trying to find the answer to our infertility question. This was a huge part of my hiatus. (Hopefully I still have my blogger friends!) I needed some time away to really soul search and find the answer that was right for us. I knew reading your blogs would sway me and I needed this decision to be our pure decision for the two of us. I've known what we should do since back in July, but didn't want to come to terms with it. I needed some time to deal with the decision and make sure it was what I truly wanted.
I went with my mom up north in August, and that was really where I felt God telling me that adoption was our answer. It was a hard answer to hear. I didn't want to hear that at first. I wanted to hear, it'll happen or give IVF a try, but I can't deny what I feel God speaking to me. I have this overwhelming sense that this is what we are supposed to do. I know some people won't understand since we haven't 100% tried any fertility "options." But all I can say is this is totally what I feel we're meant to do.
We considered the donor route and the decision I came to was...IF (big IF there) God were to EVER bless us with our OWN baby, we would never experience that. Adoption allows us to be "open" to God's miracles. I know that might sound crazy, but I truly feel God will provide. I just have to obey. That's the hard part, obeying when you feel your answers are the best. Well, let's be real, MY answers haven't got me anywhere but heart broken and angry. I have no other options than to try this one!
My counselor summed it up perfectly one day when I was feeling very woe is me and crying for the pregnancy I may never have. What's your ultimate goal? To have a baby or to be pregnant? My ultimate goal in life is to be a mommy. Does it really matter if my baby comes from my uterus or someone else's? Really, truly? No, what matters the most is my baby coming home to be with her Mommy and Daddy and two fur-sibs! That's all that matters. Really life is too short to worry about the little things and although I know pregnancy is a NOT a little thing. In the grand scheme of life, all I want to be is a mom. My baby (wherever they are) will be loved unconditionally and really know what it feels like to be wanted and cared for.
That's about all we are in our decision making. We have a few agencies and one that we're really leaning towards. I just have to make a few calls to meet with some people and really get the ball rolling. I'm excited to start this next chapter of our lives and I'm even more excited to put infertility away. I don't think it will go away forever. It will be a beast that I'll be fighting for the rest of my baby making years, I'm sure. But I'm done being the victim and I'm ready to live my life the way I feel God is pushing me! Thanks for listening. I'm really back and I hope you're still there to support me! LOVE YOU!
Nov 29, 2009
Nov 9, 2009
I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. I've been so crazy busy with work and I don't know why?! I have so much to talk about and so much to tell (nothing on the baby front). So much has been happening, yet I feel like it's nothing at all. I wanted to say hi and I haven't forgotten about you guys! I'll be posting some updates with some pics and other cool things. I hope you guys haven't forgotten about me. It's going to take me days to catch up on what's going on with all of you! I'll be in touch soon! Love you!!