Oct 21, 2008

Getting back up!

Well thanks to friends and family that are truly the most amazing and supportive people anyone could ask for. I think I am starting to make a change for the better. I have started researching acupuncture and my friend is letting me borrow/use her fertility monitor. I feel like anything I can do will help. Jesse put it all on the line for me the other day. He said, "What would you have said if someone told you that you couldn't teach in Utica?" I answered, "I wouldn't take no for an answer." He replied, "then why are you giving up on us?" Thank Jess. That's what I needed to hear. No more feeling sorry for myself. I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. I will get upset and that's okay. But no more am I going to believe that we are not going to have children. It's going to happen, we are going to make it happen. We both are together working to get what we want most in life, a family all our own!

Oct 17, 2008

Reaching bottom before you get back up...

Just when I thought I couldn't feel any lower...BAM! I'm knocked down. It hits me when I don't even know it's coming. Yesterday, I got to work extra early to finally get caught up and feel like I'm on top of things. I turn on my computer, check my email. There's a message from Jeff, a co-worker, informing all of us that a former employee is now pregnant. BAM! There it is another shot to the heart. Another person who has experienced a joy that I am wondering will ever come to me. I'm not jealous of her, but sad for myself, I can't help but wonder why? I try to hold back the tears that are bursting out of my eyes. Before I know it, I am sobbing, down right sobbing and it's not even 8am. My teacher friend comes and consoles me and lets me know that I am not alone. It helps, it's what I needed. I did feel better, but I still had more cry in me. I went to the bathroom to try to compose myself, but it was no use. I spent the next 5 minutes looking at myself in the mirror sobbing. WHY? WHY ME? WHY US? WHEN'S IT GOING TO BE OUR TURN? All these thoughts were running through my mind and then the reality hits...Pull it together, I tell myself, you have 24 little ones who will be in your room in a matter of minutes. So, I stop crying, get out there and put on my best game face with mascara all running down my cheeks and puffy eyes, I go out and face the music. The people I work with are so nice, nobody says a thing, it's like they don't notice, but secretly know. I know people say sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can get back up. I think I'm here and I don't like it. Will someone help me up?

Oct 12, 2008

Losing Faith...

I haven't at all mentioned this, it has been a taboo subject for me to post, but I am so hurt and don't know what to do anymore. I feel this is my escape right now. After trying to have a baby for nearly 4 years, it is extremely hard for me to still have hope and faith that God is on our side. I have an extremely hard time believing that a God could continue to hurt Jesse and me over and over and over. Although, we are extremely happy for everyone in our lives that is able to do this miraculous thing, conceive a child, we can't help but wonder, when is our time. We have watched many friends, family members (and also people we don't particularly like) share their joy with us. We have smiled and believed in our hearts our time will come, but it hasn't and it doesn't feel like it ever will. It's so unbelievably hard to watch all these people experience the joy you wonder if you'll ever be able to relate to. It's hard to believe a God could keep doing this to us over and over and yet we still have to hold our heads up and believe. It's hard! We can't help but wonder, what did we do? Why not us? Why? I'm losing faith, I'm losing hope and I'm starting to believe that doing the "right" thing gets you nowhere! HELP!!