Nov 5, 2011

I Have to Get This Out

I have had something on my heart for awhile and I hope that God gives me the words to say it the way my heart intends for it to come across.  Trish is in heaven and the day after we said our final good-bye, we got the call about our baby.  I have found this to be extremely weird.  Our prayers were answered when God took Trish to be home with him.  I find this strange.

What I find the most strange, is I have had a feeling for quite some time now that when Trish passed, our baby would be on the way.  I can't explain it, it's just some sinking feeling I had deep down in my core.  This feeling was so strong that at the memorial last Thursday, I was looking into Trish's eyes in the beautiful portrait that was there and I found myself thanking her.  I had no idea that the next day would be the day that would change our lives forever, but I felt that Trish had to go for this to happen.  I knew in my heart that Trish would have some way of "making it happen."

I hope I am doing this post justice. I, by NO means, was hoping for Trish to go.  I would have prayed for her to stay with us forever.  That's why it was so hard for me to pray the prayer Stacie, her daughter-in-law and our friend, asked us to pray.  She asked us to pray that the pain go away and if that meant her going to heaven, then that was God's will.  I fought that prayer with tears streaming down my face and yelling, "no!"  But, after the shock of the possibility of losing Trish faded a little, I felt a sense of calm.  A calm that I was fighting God's will and that is a losing battle.  Trish was in a lot of pain and how selfish of me to pray for her to stay her when I could pray for the pain to go away.  So, I mustered up all the courage I had to pray those words.

Trish was an important person in my life.  She was one of those people who never wanted the spotlight, she was happy sitting on the sidelines cheering everyone on.  I have NO DOUBT in my mind, she is up in heaven smiling down and cheering us on as we await our new baby.  The only thing that breaks my heart more is that Trish will never get to hold our baby and love on it the way she loved on every baby she ever came across.  But I know that Trish is happy we got the call.  I don't know why I'm crying so hard right now, because I know she up there smiling and telling me how silly I am right now.  But, I can't help but feel a little guilty.  We lost someone dear to both Jesse and me and then we also got the best news in the world, but I can't help but wonder if this is all true.  Did Trish have to go for our prayers to be answered?

This is supposed to be a happy time for me, but I'm having a hard time.  I don't care what anyone says, I know in my heart that Trish had a part in this and I don't think I'll ever be able to express how much Trish means to me and how much I love her!



Ashley said...

I'm so sorry for your pain. I experienced a similar situation when my grandma passed away unexpectedly a few months before we found out about Kaylee. She prayed for our baby so much and I hate that she didn't get a chance to see her prayers answered. My only consolation is knowing that I'll get to see her again in heaven. I also find myself wishing she were here and then realize how selfish I'm being when she's having the time of her life with Jesus right now. Prayers for you friend!

twondra said...

It makes so much sense to me sweetie. I'm sorry you're going through so much sadness at the same time being so happy. ((HUGS))