What the HECK Just Happened?!

All I can say is, whoa!  What a flippin week!  Thanks for all your prayers, I could feel them.  I apologize for being so vague, but I didn't want to say anything until I knew something.  So, here's the story...

On Monday morning, we received a call from the agency that they had a baby for us.  He was born on Sunday, August 14th, but the poor little guy came with a lot of issues.  His BM had a previous child (not sure how old), but had lost custody rights to the BF.  CPS was involved, I'm assuming for her "extra curricular activities!"  This little guy's BF was not aware she was pregnant until she was in labor and signed off on his rights!  YAY!

Then we find out that the BM had claimed to do marijuana, opiates, alcohol and smoke throughout the pregnancy.  Not to mention no prenatal care.

On top of that, he had a severe heart defect, truncus arteriosus.  This condition would require surgery within the next two weeks, as well as a surgery when he was a little bigger and stronger.  This obviously meant he would need very close medical care.  Not only did he have that, but his organs were all jostled around and not where they need to be.  Oh, and on top of all this, he ingested meconium at birth and had some lung issues.

Jesse and I were so torn.  This was EVERYTHING we were afraid of, but we figured, this would be what God would test us with.  We felt that everything we had been through must be because we are now strong enough to deal with this.  So, we immediately headed down to Children's hospital to get some answers from the doctors and nurses.

When we got there, he was so little.  He scared me with all the tubes and monitors beeping.  After we spoke with the doctors and nurses.  The nurse asked me if I wanted to hold him.  I told her I was scared.  I was afraid to hold him.  I didn't want to get attached if it wasn't meant to be.  But, of course, I held him.  While I was holding him his breathing machine went from 75 to 91.  I just remember holding him and telling him, that he would be alright and I wouldn't let anything bad happen to him.  It was an instant attachment.

The rest of the week was spent dealing with insurance, the bank and my HR department. We found out that he would be fine on our insurance, but we couldn't get an answer from the bank.  We needed a loan for the rest of the fees we owe.  Plus, I only got 10 days of paid leave and I wanted to use 30, since I have 42 in my sick bank.  We prayed all week that if this was His will to allow doors to open to make this possible.

By Thursday we were feeling very defeated.  And by yesterday at 5, after numerous calls to the bank and to my HR, we knew we couldn't keep the baby waiting.  He had to find his family.  It wasn't fair to him or his parents to keep them apart.  We called the agency asking and they said although they understood they needed to find him his family and really couldn't wait.  So, with a heavy, heavy heart we had to say no.

It really upsets me that NO ONE from my HR contacted me.  And as far as they know, I'm still waiting on them for an answer.  I'm also really upset that it came down to money.  Jesse thought that because he just paid off his business loan (which was pretty much the same amount we would need for the fees), they would just approve us quickly.

Jesse and I both are heartbroken, but we also know that if it were meant to be, things would've happened and doors would've opened for us.  I just don't get why this had to happen.  Especially since we have the plan on embryo after the first of the year?!

But, I'm picking myself up, as hard as it is.  Dusting the pain and dirt off and continuing the race.  It was a tough fall and I'm pretty banged up, but it just makes me know that if I could love and care for this little boy for 5 days, I know the love I have for my child will be immeasurable!  Ahhhhh!!  Deep breath!