Healing and Dealing

Faith does not eliminate problems.  Faith keeps you in a trusting relationship with God in the midst of your problems.  ~Henry Blackaby

This quote really spoke to me yesterday during my quiet time in the morning.  What we've been through in the last week has been tough.  It was beyond hard loving on that child and not knowing if he would be ours.  It was even harder praying for God's will to be done.  We prayed that if he was to be our son that God opened the doors that we needed to open- the loan from the bank and getting the time off from work.  Both of those doors stayed locked and wouldn't budge.  Jesse and I tried to pound them down, but they remained closed.

We wanted that baby more than anything, but I feel that saying that we would take that child would have been the easier choice.  It was everything we ever wanted at our fingertips, but instead of acting on our wants, we prayed about it and felt that God was telling us this isn't it.

It was not all about the money.  Yes, that was a factor, but it was more of what we felt God saying to us.  We won't ever know why we went through that week.  Maybe it was because on Saturday I had a valley day.  I was upset my period was a day late and was crying that I didn't understand why we had to go through all of this.  Jesse said I just wish we could have a sign.  Jesse feels this was our "sign."  You're on the right path,  keep going.

I think it had more to do with bringing Jesse and I closer together and also closer to Him.  I have surrendered my desire to have a baby many times.  Mostly doing it because I knew I had to, but, I guess, not ultimately doing it for the "right" reasons.  As of today, I officially surrender all my fears, anxieties, timelines and wishes to God.  It has nothing to do with me.  He already has a plan for us and we just have to follow it.  This week made my faith in Him stronger than I've ever had.

I'm okay with what happened because I feel we truly listened to God and followed His direction and it feels good.  Am I mad about my district not getting back to me til yesterday?  Yep!  Am I mad that we didn't have the loan figured out?  You bet!  But, we're getting that worked out now.  We learned from it and I've been praying everyday for that little baby boy that I got the pleasure to love on for 5 days.  I probably won't ever know what will happen to him or how he's doing, but for those few days I was a Mom and know that however our baby comes, that baby will be loved and cared for beyond my wildest dreams.

I trust God has a plan.  I am willing to follow Him.  I no longer care about my desires for our baby, but want the baby He has picked out for us.  I have faith that it will happen.