Jul 5, 2011

Is It Cheating?!

Thank you for all your comments and support.  It has really helped. Here is what I'm struggling with and I guess has a lot to do with my "fear."  A few years ago, I prayed and prayed to God to show us what our next steps should be.  It began with a whisper and by the end, I felt like God was bashing me on my head to adopt.

Slowly, I realized that being a parent doesn't have anything to do with DNA and biology, but more importantly it has to do with loving, caring and guiding a child.  I began to see that being a Mommy was more important than carrying a baby and having it be "part" of us.  We looked into adoption.

Soon after, we learned about embryo adoption and felt this was the best of both worlds. It was still adoption, but I would get to be pregnant and experience the ups and downs of carrying a child.  We felt great about it.  Then I had the most challenging class of my career and decided to wait awhile.

Here we are again.  Considering embryo adoption again.  I am fearful (for lack of better word) of a couple things.  I am afraid of disobeying God.  We have waited so long, I know what he has in store for us and planned for us will be better than ANYTHING I can ever imagine.  I know that embryo adoption is still adoption, but I feel like I'm cheating a little.  I mean, I will get everything I've ever dreamed about: pregnancy, baby, family.  Could this be too good to be true?

I've been praying my rear off to make certain that this is what God intends for us.  But I'm not sure if I'm hearing him.  We've done so much work to follow God's will in our lives, I'm afraid to make the "wrong" decision right now.

I'm still reading that What is God Waiting For book that I mentioned before.  Today it talked about waiting it out and dealing with God's delay.  I'm conflicted.  I don't know if the embryo thing is here because it's what I truly want or if it's what God wants for me.  I want with all my being to try it, but don't know if it's what I should do...


Anna said...

You are at a tough crossroads. I felt the same way and, like you, prayed and prayed about it. I think my actual words to God were "you're gonna have to hit me in the forehead with a big fat sign." ;) Praying for clarity for you, friend!

KC said...

I am a christian but maybe not as devote as you. I believe god just wants us to do everything with pure intentions and that his plan for us is to live the most christian life we can. I think that because your intentions to become a parent are focused on being a good parent and that because your intentions are so pure that embryo adoption is a really viable option for you. Just my opinion and I wish you the best of luck figuring out what is right for you.

amy (metz) walker said...

Hi Michelle,

I really think that, if you feel like the embryo adoption is what your heart longs for, you should go for it. There is nothing wrong with experiencing pregnancy and the miracle of Creation and I'm sure He longs for that for you as well. The only problem I'd personally see with going forward with it is if you had a check in your spirit that He was leading you away from it - like what I was feeling about IVF.

I truly believe that God considers our desires and wants to give us that as long as they line up with His word...and even then, if He has different plans for us, our will becomes His will through praying and seeking His will. If you weren't supposed to do something like this, you'd know.

Too many times, in my opinion, Christians think that if we are happy and we are following our "wants", we must not be following His will. We too often forget that scripture states that His will is good, pleasing and perfect. We aren't more godly when we are miserable...or when we are sacrificing what we want! We have a false view of holiness...like being sad or struggling must mean we are doing His word...when really, He wants our lives to be filled with joy!

Girl, walk forward...and as you walk, pray He will open and close doors to guide your direction. Ask Him to lead you toward that good, pleasing, and perfect will. And if a door closes, even if it hurts, I recommend thanking Him, as you don't know what it was He saved you from up ahead. He isn't doing it to harm or destroy...rest assured, He did it FOR YOUR GOOD!

Just my two cents...

Many Kids 4 Us said...

If I can add the Bible says that Children are an heritage from the Lord. The fruit of the womb is his reward :) So why not let God reward you. He wants to reward you with a child in your womb :)

For us we felt the Lord leading us to adopt from our county's foster care system. We adopted 7 beautiful children. Now we felt him leading us to embryo adoption (of course at the time of our we adopted our children we hadn't heard of embryo adoption) :)

Unless you know, that you know that he is telling you NOT to follow through with embryo adoption, I say go for it. He wants you to be happy. Our father Loves us and because he tells us the fruit of our womb is his reward, how could you not go wrong.

Laura said...

Hi Michelle,
My best advice to you is to keep on praying... I am obviously quite biased in the direction of embryo adoption (mom to snowflake, Makenna, who just turned 1!). It almost does seem to good to be true, which is what I LOVED about embryo adoption. When I got my diagnosis, I was crushed that I wouldn't be able to experience pregnancy so when I learned about embryo adoption, I thought it was just TOO perfect - that it MUST be God's plan. An embryo would be given the chance at life and I would be blessed with a pregnancy! So when our first transfer resulted in miscarriage, I was crushed - how could this NOT be God's plan for us- it was just so perfect. But God was still working in me and really did a lot in me and through me in that season of waiting. Our second transfer was successful and I can't even phathom his love for us as I think of His perfect plan for our family. The cool thing is HE already knows what you will do and how HE will answer your prayers!! I can't wait to see how He chooses to knock your socks off with answers to your prayers!!!

Praying for wisdom and guidance for you, Michelle!! If you've never read the poem "wait" by Russell Kelfer - google it. It got me through my season of trying to figure out what to do and learning to just wait and rely on God.



Clint and DeAnne said...

Huge decision you have before you and your husband. I think we all need to have our own ah ha moments in how we decide to create our families. You can't go wrong with involving God IMO. :)
Just remember that some times God doesn't hit you over the head or flash neon signs with the right answer, sometimes it's people, opportunity, resources provided to you, etc. In the past year, we have had so many things like this help us make our decision to chose embryo donation. I hope that with all of our continued prayer you and your husband can come to a decision as to how to start your family.