Sep 16, 2011

Birthdays and Infertility Just Don't Mix!

I used to be one of those obnoxious people who would start counting down my birthday 6 months before the BIG event.  My birthday turned into a birthday week and I LOVED feeling special and always wanted to celebrate.

Something changed when infertility stepped into my life.  The countdown has gotten shorter and shorter and forget celebrating for a week.  I'd rather hide under a rock and forget the whole day exists.  Why?  Well, every birthday to me isn't so much a celebration of the year or the excitement of what's to come.  To me, it's become one more year.  One more year of trying, one more year of hoping, one more year of fooling myself that next year will be different.

I wish so bad that I could stop these feelings, but I really can't.  It's sad.  It hurts and honestly, it freakin sucks!

I'm going to be 32 on Monday.  3-2, 32.  Do you know what I pictured for myself at 32?! Not this.  Last year, I even had the hope that with our adoption process started and finishing up our home study, there was NO doubt in my mind that September 19, 2011 would be the one that was what I always hoped for.  But, no.

I just feel like everything I have hoped for and everything I have wanted just happens to other people and will never happen for me.  So many people don't even realize the gift they have been given when they have a baby.  I would do anything for it.

I know we have a lot going for us and, hopefully, in January or February we will be going through our FET.  But, I just feel like, something will go wrong, something will fall through, it somehow won't work out.  That's just what happens to us!

I'm trying to turn my spirits around, but it's really hard not to turn 32 and know that you have been trying for 7 years and you're still waiting.  I feel like God may have forgotten about me.

Sorry to be such a downer, but I just needed to get this out.  Thanks for listening.



Amber said...

You are not alone! It is HARD!!! Every birthday, Christmas, and especially Mother's day was just awful for me for so many years. I still feel pangs of it now, but it's more as a reminiscent thing.

I know you can't see it now - that's how infertility works - but your time is coming. I just know it. I don't know how, but you will be a Mommy... and the birthdays after that are going to be so worth these cruddy ones. My thoughts are with you! <3

Ashley said...

Sorry Michelle! I'm praying that this is the year that everything changes for you.

Jess said...

{{{HUGS}}} I went through this too. Every b-day, anniversary, holiday, etc all seemed to mark one more year we were still childless. Praying that next year is "your year"!!!

Anita said...

Happy Birthday!

Or at least I hope it was today...they are very difficult when you can't see the "end" in sight. I am praying for you guys and am hoping that the next holiday/birthday/celebration/etc. will be the last one that you have to feel like this for.

Just know that you have so many people pulling for you and I believe that your time is coming!

Anita said...

I meant that this would be the last holiday/birthday/celebration/etc. for you and that you don't have to suffer through the next one!

Jeesh...I dislike when I mistype :)