Jun 28, 2011

Decisions...

So, I've been a horrible blogger.  With the end of the school year and all that jazz, I've just been overwhelmed.  Plus, there really wasn't much to say.  You know, same ol same ol...

Today we had another appointment with a new reproductive specialist.  This is the one that our new OB/GYN recommended.  Ironically enough it's at the same office we started our journey, just a different doctor.  Anyway...We went to see him.  Explained our story.  He told us that IVF w/ ICSI he would say is still a possibility, but obviously he'd want another sperm analysis.  We were happy to hear that because that's what we were hoping for.

He didn't beat around the bush with us.  He was direct and we told him about pursuing adoption.  I asked him some questions about the embryo adoption protocol and I really liked what he had to say.  No injections.  He was kind, knowledgeable and honest.  I liked that.  He told us he wouldn't recommend us doing IVF w/ ICSI.  Just because of all the emotional and physical things that encompass that decision...Let alone the money.

When we left, Jess and I talked.  He asked where I stood.  I told him I wasn't interested in IVF w/ ICSI.  I know that others have done IVF and I am happy that it worked for many of the people.  I just don't see myself doing all that stuff.  The shots, the medicine, the pain.  I can't do it.  I would LOVE to have a biological child with Jesse, but I'm just not feeling like that is something I am willing to do.  Call me selfish...I have worked hard to try to rid my body of all the toxins the world exposes me to.  I just can't do it.

I told him I want to do embryo, but I'm so damn AFRAID!!!  I don't know what I'm afraid of though.  I'm just terrified to say, "yes, we can do this."  All of you that went through embryo, did you have this fear of saying yes? or is it just me?

I'm trying to find what it is I'm afraid of.  I think it could possibly be everything.  I've wanted this for so long, but what if I hate it.  What if I become one of those woman who complain about being pregnant?  What if I can't do it?  What if it doesn't happen?  I just have all these fears floating around in my head, but my gut is telling me, do it!  I've just got a lot of thinking to do...
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8 comments:

Jess said...

EA is a big decision, I won't lie! But for us it was much easier than doing traditional adoption. This is partly because we had had 2 failed adoptions and I could not fathom going through that again. Since we did not have the money for IVF with donor sperm and possibly donor eggs EA was a no brainer for us. I already knew that I could love a child not biologically mine so that eliminated that fear.

What scared me was the meds, the shots and that it might not work. And pregnancy has its own set of fears, but at least I knew that I could let all of it rest in God's hands whereas in adoption you are at the mercy of another person. That doesn't mean that it is easy to have faith, but easier than waiting for an adoption to finalize. (Please don't think that I am discouraging adoption, really, I'm not!)

I think that a lot of the fear associated with EA is what if it doesn't work? What next? When you eliminate an option you see your chances shrinking. It's scary!! We tried adoption first but that failed. Twice. Then DIUI 4 time. No go. We were left with 3 option: foster to adopt, EA, IVF with donors. We knew that IVF would never happen and foster to adopt was not right for us right now. EA was our last hope. If it didn't work then what would I have? No hope is what. And THAT terrified me!!

If I were you I would take it one step at a time. If at any time you are not at peace about it, stop. EA can be a scary process but it is so worth it! And yes, I would have said that even if it had not worked. To me, just having the chance to carry my adopted baby was amazing!!

I hope this help!! And please feel free to email me anytime. My email addy is on my blog. Praying for you as you decide which route to go!

Hillary said...

What a tough decision, but I trust the Lord will guide you! I don't have any advice, but I can relate to the fear. Sometimes I even think I have have tried for so long to become a mom that I have gotten scared that I won't like it or something (how crazy does that sound). It's like it's just so hard to imagine anymore...

Thinking of you!

Anna said...

We did EA. I think what I was scared of was letting myself hope. I had gotten so used to the same old runaround and subsequent BFNs that I got numb. Then we started the EA cycle and there was new hope and that scared the crap out of me. I didn't want to allow myself to hope because that opened me up to hurt.

In the end, EA worked for us and now we're close to the end of our pregnancy. It's the best thing we ever did, although at times it does feel weird and I have a new set of things to be nervous about (ours is a known donor and a semi-open adoption. We will have a relationship with the other family and at times that's scary).

In the end though, EA was the most logical "next step" for us and we have no regrets.

Ashley said...

EA was a little overwhelming to me at first but you really have to take it step by step. Funnily enough I never really feared that it wouldn't work...and it didn't. But we felt like God had definitely led us that way. It's something you really have to pray about and go with your gut. And, by the way, our domestic adoption wasn't that scary either!

jesswilson said...

I never wanted to do IVF either, but EA felt less scary because it was less invasive. With EA, I was most fearful of the meds and the possibility of it not working. Everytime I had those fears, I had to turn them over to God. You deal with the meds one step at a time and realize it's for a good cause and just hope and pray for a positive outcome. I did everything I could from a holistic standpoint to get my body ready for the transfer, then thad to let go and let God. We got twins on our first try. They are 14 months old and I'm still amazed!

Kim said...

I private emailed you.

Tasha said...

IVF mommy here -> You will complain about being pregnant - no matter how badly you wanted it and how hard you work to get that way, sometimes it is hard! As for not working, that is a hard decision, what a friend tole me is that y when the fear of NOT giving it a chance is bigger than the fear of it not working, you are ready to try it. My suggestion is to set limits on how many tries/how much time you are willing to try ot for. You will proably change your mind down the road, but it helps to have a plan!

Britney said...

like every other decision to start your family (IVF, adoption, etc.), EA is a very personal and private decision that you must reconcile with your husband and your God. I believe for those God leads to EA, it is a beautiful choice. It was for us. We also did domestic adoption, and for me, the opportunity to experience pregnancy was just a bonus. there is fear associated with any new path -- there would be fear in any other type of fertility treatment, and fear in any other kind of adoption. but, i believe that if God is calling you to EA, He will hold your hand each step of the way.