Sorry...

I'm so sorry to end ICLW on this note, but I am soooo f'n po'ed. UGH! Why do people insist on treating infertile people like we will break if we hear something that is hard on THEM? I just found out that Jesse's sister is going to a baby shower on Sunday for her best friend, right. No biggie, except for the fact that his WHOLE family knew and no one told me and the kicker is this friend has been doing my hair up until March when I decided I didn't like the way she's been cutting it. (Maybe she was cutting it bad, so that I'd leave and NEVER find out that she had a baby!)

Seriously people! What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think I'm so stupid that when I see Stefanie lugging around a kid I won't think that it's hers? I mean come on. I expect this from "friends," but family. I guess there's no one you can trust except others that are going through this experience.

It's so frustrating that people keep things from you like this because they don't think we can handle it, when the funny part is THEY are the ones who can't handle it. Then they stop inviting you to things and drop off the face of the earth and make it seem like it's because you did something. I wish people would just face the truth and handle the truth, I'm so pissed right now, I can barely stand it.

Here's the God honest truth (because some people are too slow to get this):

• I will survive finding out you or someone we know is pregnant, I have for the last five years and it just makes me stronger
• When I find out after the fact or that you've been keeping it from me because you are worried for me, I worry for you because I might just choke you
• I won't harm your children after they are born, so you can hang around me
• I won't cause you to suffer from infertility, so you can hang around me
• I need friends, but I'm learning I have VERY few!

I'm so sorry to end a great week of meeting new friends and sharing wonderful stories, but so goes the life of an infertile, just when you think you've experienced it all...BAM! Someone shocks the hell out you! Thanks for listening, I'm going to go meditate and relax. Sad part is I found this out coming home from a very stress relieving workout. Jesse is the one who told me and I think he's even more upset!!! UGH!

Confused...PLEASE HELP!

I've been charting BBT and always thought that ovulation occurred when my temperature went up or spike .5 or more degrees. I was reading another site and it said ovulation was when it dropped. Can you guys help clarify? I'm a little confused.

Good night, I'm going to watch the rest of the Wings game. So far 2 periods and no score. Hopefully they'll kick some Blackhawk butt and end this series! :) See you tomorrow!

MICHIGAN HUMIDITY UGH!

So, just a warning, this post today is going to be nothing but vain! So, please don't judge. I have naturally curly hair, that I hate I might add, and today I decided with a 60% chance of rain today to not even bother trying to straighten my mop today. However, I was too lazy to rewash my hair and went for a day 2 curly hair do...I tried curling my hole head with a curling iron and much to my dismay, it looked like $#%^! So, after an hour of trying to get my hair to look decent, it went up in a pony.

I wanted to take pictures of me and the kids individually so that I could FINALLY finish their scrapbooks, but no way was I taking pictures with this mop today. I went to my friend this morning (who also has curly hair) to complain and ironically enough, she was sporting a pony too, and complaining about AF's cramps. (lucky for me, mine's not due for another couple days!)

Then to make matters worse, my two friend's with straight hair, and no humidity problems come to my room at lunch with perfectly beautiful, unfrizzed, straight hair! Bitches!

I'm on my way to email my hair dresser and sign myself up for a how the hell do you style this mop lesson?! To sum it all up, Michigan + Humidity = one ugly head of Michelle's hair!

Okay, okay, I'm done! Thanks for listening!

A Couple Things...

So I found a blog earlier this week on ICLW where this poor girl started her day by running over a squirrel! Horrible, I know. So, I had to go get b/w takin yesterday morning EARLY! I got there and there was a slew of people there. However, this doc's office runs smoothly. So, after about 5 minutes, maybe 10, they call me back for my b/w.

On the way home, I am driving down a 6 lane highway divided by a median (Metro Pkway, 16 mile for Michiganders) and low and behold a kamikaze squirrel darted across the highway. Seeing as though it was 7:30 on a Sunday, there was no one out there, so I hit the brakes and allowed this little guy through. The entire time I was laughing though because of this other girl's blog! (I tried searching to find that post, but can't remember who it was, so if anyone knows who I'm talking about, send me her blog PLEASE!)

Yesterday we had my dad's SURPRISE 60th bday at our house. It was a huge success. He was shocked and everyone had a good time. Keeping that surprise from my dad was so unbelievably HARD. I never realized that I don't keep secrets from my dad. I told him I hope he enjoyed it because I can't keep anything like that from him again!! :)

Today we have a little mess to clean up and then I'm going to my parents to see my bro one more time before he leaves back for school. Overall it was a great weekend and I don't want to go back to work. But, then again, I only have 12 1/2 days left!! YEY!!! :)

Oh yea, and my b/w came back great!! :) YEY!!

***Update
I found her, check out the original squirrel story http://afewgoodsperm.blogspot.com/ Too funny!

What do you think?

Okay, I thought I typed this post up, but I'm looking and I don't see it...I might be officially losing it! Anyway. I need some insight. The week before Mother's Day I was late for my period and one morning while I was getting ready for the day and having my daily conversation with God. I asked him to give me a sign if I was preggers or not. Since I'm not too sure when God is speaking to me I asked specifically for a certain song, "Mr. Mom" by Lonestar.

So I went on with my day, kissed Jess good-bye and began my journey to work. I didn't even get on the freeway when the old familiar beat came on and I was screaming to Jesse about what I said to God and couldn't believe He actually played the song. :)

Much to my dismay, a few days later, Aunt Flow came and I was upset for God playing that "trick" on me. I got over it and was brave enough to go to church on Mother's Day. We walked in grabbed our seats and the first song was playing. We sat down for literally 2 seconds and would you know what the band started playing???? Yes, you guessed it, Mr. Mom! I instantly was in tears and wanted to run from the room.

I cried all the way home telling Jesse that God just doesn't like me. To have played that song twice and obviously there is no baby right now. My ever so insightful husband begged to differ. He said God played it twice, maybe not to inform me I was pregnant but to let us know we are on the right path. To trust in Him and just enjoy the journey. I believe that and I so trust in Him, but I can't help the fear too. What do you guys think about this chain of events?

Welcome ICLW!

Welcome ICLW! This is my first time experiencing this and I am sooo excited! Sorry I didn't get to comment yesterday. It's been a crazy week. Dad turned 60 and we've been celebrating since Tuesday! Anyway...My husband and I have had a long journey in our trying to conceive journey and I just realized I have never documented our journey. So...Here it is:
08/03-husband and I got married
4/04- Threw out bc pills and said let's see what happens
5/05- told gyno our concerns, told us to wait and see
5/06- expressed more concern and got some testing started
6/06- HSG-normal, blood work normal, everything normal on our part
7/06- husband has low sperm count
8/06- start seeing urologist
10/06- urologist recommends varicocele surgery, start researching
11/06- start seeing a nutritionist to see if that helps and take some time off from IF
1/07- make appointment with first RE, try to sign up for insurance to help w/IVF
3/07- told the only way insurance would work is if we agree to sperm donor, more time off
4/08- start seeing new nutritionist, change diet
9/08- start seeing acupuncturist
12/08- maybe go back to medical doctor to see if anything is working
3/09- new nutritionist and ONLY going for health maintenance
4/09- meet with second RE and waiting for new tests...

So there goes our journey. We are very apprehensive (obviously) with the medical world of infertility. We are trying more natural approaches and are hoping with the testing that we are doing that SOMETHING will have improved. We have strong faith in what we are doing and also an even stronger faith that God will show us which direction to take. The journey is not over...

Fair Weather Friends

Okay, I've been living with this since Mother's Day and it's killing me! On Mother's Day, one of the hardest days for a woman who is ttc, I (trying to be a good person/friend) sent a text to two of my friends who had babies in the last year. I just said, "Happy 1st Mother's Day. Miss you, love you!"


I sent it after church and was starting to get annoyed that NEITHER one of them sent anything in return. Jesse, however, kept telling me they might be busy. However, by the time we left his parents' house at 10, I realized that they were not going to respond. I then started to think that my phone wasn't working. I had to call a friend to find out something for work the next day and I texted instead to see if it would go through or not. By the time I had reached the top of the steps, she already had texted me back.

I stewed about it all the next day and thought about sending both of them a did you get my text email. But the more I thought of it, why? These friends obviously didn't respond because they didn't know what to say to poor, pitiful, childless Michelle. However, a thank you, miss you or thinking of you response would have been acceptable.

I'm so sick of fair weather friends and people who shun you because it's hard on them! One of these friends we have only seen the baby once in 9 months. Not to our lack of trying, we have offered to come over, go out to dinner, go to the zoo and never get a response back. I've realized they don't want to do anything with us because it makes it hard on THEM! Seriously. This is the only reason I can think of. I find it so annoying and so hurtful. It just really irritates me. I'm so sick of fair weather friends! Okay, I'm done...Thanks for listening!

Happy Mother's Day

Those 3 words can either brighten your day and touch your heart or slice your heart in two. Each Mother's Day, I imagine and think that this will be the last childless one. Each year, I imagine myself on that day, my first one, with my baby in tow. I'm no longer doing that because it's too painful. Who knows when that time will come and I can't keep living like that.

It's a day to celebrate, for some of us, it's a day to feel sorrow for something we don't have. People at church with nothing but the best intentions, kept telling me, "Happy Mother's Day!" I obviously didn't have a child with me, but I'm sure they assumed, this woman is in her late 20s, here is her husband, they're coming to church, their children MUST be in the kids program. With each well wish from a stranger, Jesse gripped my hand a little tighter. Knowing full well that my smile and gracious, "thank you," was all a front. Inside it hurt to know that others know that being a mother is where MOST people are when they are my age. That's not my destiny, at least not yet.

I have a lot to be thankful for...I am a mother to two pups who depend on me and love me like a child would love their mother AND I do have two godchildren who I thank the Lord for.

However, despite this, when the pastor had all the mothers stand up to get a blessing, I stayed in my seat. In my opinion, I'm not the mother that I want to be, wish to be and pray to be. There's something more for me. I might not be a mother yet, and I don't know if it will be next year either, but I do know that one day, some way, some how...I will be a mother.

Happy Mother's Day out there to all of you mothers, wanting to be mothers and everyone in between...our time will come!

Take 2...

So we met with RE #2, Dr. B, we'll call her. She is very nice, very knowledgeable and much less pushy then Dr. W... We didn't find anything new out, I didn't think we would since it was our first appointment.

After we told her our story, she said she would come to the same conclusion Dr. W did. However it's been 2 years, she wants new tests and to see for herself. She didn't say it was not possible that Jesse's count could have gone up, she didn't say it was good odds either. I guess we're just in waiting mode until the tests come in.

I'm so hoping that things have improved. Our life has improved in so many ways that could influence this. Jess isn't working near all the hot ovens as he was in the past, no SUPER late hours, more than half the stress, feels better... I could go on and on.

She took my blood work and wants me to get more on day 22 to make sure I'm ovulating and doing that well. So, I guess we're just going to wait and see...Please pray for us that something has improved. IUI would be much cheaper than IVF and I don't know WHEN we'll get the money. I hate insurance companies. Why won't they cover this? Ugh, I'll save that for another post, another day! I'm off for a Euchre fundraiser. See ya!

Back in action and lower than EVER!

Hello. I feel like it's been AGES!!! Ugh, our computer totally bit it and I lost every single document, song, picture...UGh! But at least I'm up and running again. We'll get there, we'll get there.

So, I had a roller coaster week. My period was scheduled to make it's debut Monday, April 27th. Much to my liking...It never came, nor the next day nor the next day...Fast forward to Monday, May 4th. Yep, you guessed it. She made her grand entrance 1 week late. Although during that week I kept talking to myself and telling myself not to get excited, yeah right. I knew I didn't feel the way I did the last time, so in my head I knew it wasn't, but how do you tell your heart to give up? So, I hope and prayed and hoped and prayed and hoped and prayed some more.

Then on that horrible, crampy, wish I could forget day, it came. I took it pretty hard. I mean, I get bummed when my period comes each and every month, but I can deal with it when it is ON TIME and there is nothing to get me psyched about. Not to mention, I was already geeking out about THIS Mother's Day finally being MY Mother's Day. Or that I could surprise my dad with some awesome news on his 60th birthday. All these things that I was secretly hoping for, were a fantasy in the blink of an eye.

I feel like God was playing some evil joke on me. Ha, ha Stupid, you fell for it. Hook, line and SINKER! I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I have been trying. When I got sick I kept thanking God. Maybe this is what I need to slow down to make it happen. I've been more positive, but I am very disheartened right now. It's so hard to pick myself up after this one.

I have tried and some of the things I came up with were:
This had to happen and my period came a week late because when it finally does happen, the timing will be PERFECT!

All the paint fumes and chemicals from Spring clean up at church would've harmed the baby, so it's really a good thing.

It's not our time and I just have to trust in God. (This is the hardest one!)

How do I let it go? How do I stop this obsessing? Please help me if you can. I feel very helpless and don't know how to lift this to God and just let it be...

Oh and we're going to RE #2 for our first appointment for a second opinion tomorrow. Wish me luck! Tomorrow will be better, tomorrow it will be brighter, tomorrow is a new day!!!