So now what?

So, I went to the gyno last week and told him our scoop. He said he would be glad to offer some recommendations for some doctors after I find out what insurance covers. Well, that wasn't too hard. My insurance, teacher insurance, the insurance that is supposed to be o' so good insurance COVERS NOTHING! Well, I shouldn't say nothing. It covers testing and medication up until I need insemination or IVF. Just dandy! So, I then asked for a list of doctors and still am not sure I have the right ones. I'll have to call one more time to be sure. The good thing is they will cover our second opinion. Someone told me once infertility usually has a time limit, but luckily for us that's not the case.

So, I have a few doctors that my gyno recommended and I'm going to start calling. Hopefully to set something up over Spring Break. I would love to hear of any other doctors that anyone might have, so if you know any great REs, please let me know!

I'm just so mad that insurance covers NOTHING. It's not like I made this happen. It's an illness. Would insurance deny someone with diabetes insulin? No, so why are they denying us. We didn't ask for this "diagnosis." I'm really wanting to do something about this. Insurance needs to change. Any help figuring that one out would be much appreciated! Maybe I'll email Oprah!! :)

To go or not go...That is the question

So, I'm in a little bit of a predicament...My husband's cousin is pregnant (well he's not, but his wife is), of course who isn't, and her baby shower is in 2 lovely weeks. I was planning on going because you don't pass up a chance to get an A+ in karma, you know if you go, maybe this will be the month God smiles down on you. So I told my mom-in-law I'd be there. However, after my lovely day yesterday...I'm not sure I'm going to feel up for the stupid comments. You know, "Jamie and Tim have only been married for a little less than a year, you and Jess have been married for over 5. When are you going to have little ones." To which I will probably want to answer with, "Because I eat children for lunch, you idiot!"

But seriously, I have been to so many baby showers and feel like I don't know if I'll be able to compose myself for this one. It's so hard to sit through those and especially right now. I hate to say I judge whose showers I go to, but I don't think I want to sit through this one. Does that make me a bad person? Will that mean 6 more months of the dreaded infertility? Or do I suck it up, put on my best game face and show them all I can handle it? I just don't know what to do...Do I go and hope for karma's good graces or stay home and mope and feel sorry for myself? I don't know...I guess we'll see...

BFN!

You know, I'm trying so hard to remain positive throughout this whole ordeal, but there are times when it's not so easy. This month we did everything. I had a massage right before ovulation and she worked on the pressure points that help with ovulation and pregnancy. We saw our acupuncturist the day before my LH surge was detected. We paced out our baby making...not too much, not too little, just right. Or so we thought. I'm so sick of getting my hopes up each month to get hit with the inevitable news...NO LUCK!

I was so sure this was our month. I was upbeat, I was happy for others, genuinely happy, and we did all the "right" things. I went to see Holly and the baby, I was planning on going to Jamie's shower, I was truly happy for Heather when she told me she was having her long awaited girl. When does my happiness start? Seriously. How long do we have to go through this crap? Month after month, I take those stupid ovulation tests. Month after month, I get so excited because I just "know" this will be OUR month. Month after month, I'm hit with a BIG FAT NEGATIVE! It makes me feel like why should I even try? Why even bother?

I've asked God for the miracle, I've asked God for the wisdom to overcome, I've asked God for strength, hope, faith, I've asked him for everything, but obviously he just doesn't care! I'm so sick of this. I take care of myself. I stay away from caffeine. Christ, I had one pop this month, the first in about 2 years. I eat vegetables and fruits, staying away from processed food and sugar. Jesus, what for? There are people out there whose diet consists of nothing but what I avoid and add McDonald's and 62 oz. of pop and make it a diet so I have all that fake sugar shit in my body and whamo they get the baby!

I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know I have a lot, no I have a ton of things, I am happy for. I KNOW that. But seriously, how long does a couple have to go through this. Maybe it's time to consider adoption or loading myself up with all those horrible drugs and spending our life's savings to try for it. I don't know. All I know is I'm so sick of this vicious and sad cycle.

Another one bites the dust...

Well, yet another friend has stepped into a realm of life I wonder if I will ever see. Holly had her baby last night. He was two weeks early, but everything is fine. Mom is great, baby is great, but Shell is not so hot. I don't know why it's hitting me so hard. I mean she was 9 months pregnant and in two weeks, regardless, a baby would come. I guess I was counting on those two weeks to help prepare me that another friend would become a mother. For two more weeks, I had a friend who was still on my side...not a mother.

Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic for her, I am going to see her and Christian and Chris and I'm sure the whole gang. But, I'm sitting here wondering why things come so easy for others, yet so difficulty for the select few. Just last year Holly was a newlywed, now 3 weeks after her 1 year anniversary she gets to add the amazing title of mother. While I have been married for 5 1/2 years and wonder when I get to add that title to my name.

I know that I can't compare myself to others, and I am extremely grateful and happy for what I have, but it doesn't stop me from feeling a loss and honestly, feeling left out. All of my close high school friends, with the exception of one, is a mother. I watch all of them taking care of their children, talking about their children and I can either talk about my students or my four legged furry "babies."

I know the path we are on is the right one for us right now. We are giving the acupuncture and the supplements til March. Obviously I want to conceive without having to go the route of reproductive endocrinologist, but it's looking more and more like that will be our only option. I am very hopeful that 2009 is the year that miracle is granted...I guess time will tell.

Getting back up!

Well thanks to friends and family that are truly the most amazing and supportive people anyone could ask for. I think I am starting to make a change for the better. I have started researching acupuncture and my friend is letting me borrow/use her fertility monitor. I feel like anything I can do will help. Jesse put it all on the line for me the other day. He said, "What would you have said if someone told you that you couldn't teach in Utica?" I answered, "I wouldn't take no for an answer." He replied, "then why are you giving up on us?" Thank Jess. That's what I needed to hear. No more feeling sorry for myself. I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. I will get upset and that's okay. But no more am I going to believe that we are not going to have children. It's going to happen, we are going to make it happen. We both are together working to get what we want most in life, a family all our own!

Reaching bottom before you get back up...

Just when I thought I couldn't feel any lower...BAM! I'm knocked down. It hits me when I don't even know it's coming. Yesterday, I got to work extra early to finally get caught up and feel like I'm on top of things. I turn on my computer, check my email. There's a message from Jeff, a co-worker, informing all of us that a former employee is now pregnant. BAM! There it is another shot to the heart. Another person who has experienced a joy that I am wondering will ever come to me. I'm not jealous of her, but sad for myself, I can't help but wonder why? I try to hold back the tears that are bursting out of my eyes. Before I know it, I am sobbing, down right sobbing and it's not even 8am. My teacher friend comes and consoles me and lets me know that I am not alone. It helps, it's what I needed. I did feel better, but I still had more cry in me. I went to the bathroom to try to compose myself, but it was no use. I spent the next 5 minutes looking at myself in the mirror sobbing. WHY? WHY ME? WHY US? WHEN'S IT GOING TO BE OUR TURN? All these thoughts were running through my mind and then the reality hits...Pull it together, I tell myself, you have 24 little ones who will be in your room in a matter of minutes. So, I stop crying, get out there and put on my best game face with mascara all running down my cheeks and puffy eyes, I go out and face the music. The people I work with are so nice, nobody says a thing, it's like they don't notice, but secretly know. I know people say sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can get back up. I think I'm here and I don't like it. Will someone help me up?