Feb 1, 2009


You know, I'm trying so hard to remain positive throughout this whole ordeal, but there are times when it's not so easy. This month we did everything. I had a massage right before ovulation and she worked on the pressure points that help with ovulation and pregnancy. We saw our acupuncturist the day before my LH surge was detected. We paced out our baby making...not too much, not too little, just right. Or so we thought. I'm so sick of getting my hopes up each month to get hit with the inevitable news...NO LUCK!

I was so sure this was our month. I was upbeat, I was happy for others, genuinely happy, and we did all the "right" things. I went to see Holly and the baby, I was planning on going to Jamie's shower, I was truly happy for Heather when she told me she was having her long awaited girl. When does my happiness start? Seriously. How long do we have to go through this crap? Month after month, I take those stupid ovulation tests. Month after month, I get so excited because I just "know" this will be OUR month. Month after month, I'm hit with a BIG FAT NEGATIVE! It makes me feel like why should I even try? Why even bother?

I've asked God for the miracle, I've asked God for the wisdom to overcome, I've asked God for strength, hope, faith, I've asked him for everything, but obviously he just doesn't care! I'm so sick of this. I take care of myself. I stay away from caffeine. Christ, I had one pop this month, the first in about 2 years. I eat vegetables and fruits, staying away from processed food and sugar. Jesus, what for? There are people out there whose diet consists of nothing but what I avoid and add McDonald's and 62 oz. of pop and make it a diet so I have all that fake sugar shit in my body and whamo they get the baby!

I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know I have a lot, no I have a ton of things, I am happy for. I KNOW that. But seriously, how long does a couple have to go through this. Maybe it's time to consider adoption or loading myself up with all those horrible drugs and spending our life's savings to try for it. I don't know. All I know is I'm so sick of this vicious and sad cycle.


Christina said...

I am so sorry Michelle! This is just so frustrating because I want you to get pregnant so bad!! I KNOW you will though. I'm praying for it! My prayers will be answered. I know it!! Don't ever feel guilty for being frustrated. It is a totally natural reaction to question everything and why this is happening to you. I know you are thankful for what you do have and maybe you think it's greedy to God forbid, want a child after everything that you do have, it is not greedy at all. You deserve it and I know it WILL happen!! I am glad that you are talking about it and I presume with others and I think this will really help to vent your frustration and actively do something about it. And I have to add that how many stories have I heard when people go through adoption only to find out they got pregnant. There must be some "zen" that overcomes you that makes you more fertile once you know another little one is coming. I am going to send that "zen" to you!!! ***hugs***

Dagny said...

Hi there,

Wanted to say thanks for stopping by my blog!

And yeah, this whole business sucks major ass, no other way to describe it.

Hang in there. I sure won't blow sunshine up your butt and say 'it will happen' (too many people have said that to me too many times, oh how I hate that...LOL), but I will say that I am sending loads of baby dust your way, and I really hope that one of these months IS your month.


Mimi said...

Hi Michelle,

Thank you so much for visiting my blog! As you can see, hubby and I have done everything. Over two years and nada. It is so frustrating and sad. I am so sorry you are going through this. I pray that you don't have to go through it much longer. I did set up donations for a portion of my IVF. I created a ticker from tickerfactory.com with my goal and I had everyone send the money through paypal. If you already have an account, people can log in and send you money as a gift. Good luck to you and please, if you have any more questions, I am always here to answer them! Have a wonderful week! Good luck sweetie!


Stacey said...

I'm sorry about the BFN Michelle. I know it's hard to keep going, especially when you feel you're doing everything right. I have no idea why some of us have to walk this road and others don't. Just want to tell you that you're not alone. I don't know if it's any consolation, but I'm waiting with you!