Oct 17, 2008

Reaching bottom before you get back up...

Just when I thought I couldn't feel any lower...BAM! I'm knocked down. It hits me when I don't even know it's coming. Yesterday, I got to work extra early to finally get caught up and feel like I'm on top of things. I turn on my computer, check my email. There's a message from Jeff, a co-worker, informing all of us that a former employee is now pregnant. BAM! There it is another shot to the heart. Another person who has experienced a joy that I am wondering will ever come to me. I'm not jealous of her, but sad for myself, I can't help but wonder why? I try to hold back the tears that are bursting out of my eyes. Before I know it, I am sobbing, down right sobbing and it's not even 8am. My teacher friend comes and consoles me and lets me know that I am not alone. It helps, it's what I needed. I did feel better, but I still had more cry in me. I went to the bathroom to try to compose myself, but it was no use. I spent the next 5 minutes looking at myself in the mirror sobbing. WHY? WHY ME? WHY US? WHEN'S IT GOING TO BE OUR TURN? All these thoughts were running through my mind and then the reality hits...Pull it together, I tell myself, you have 24 little ones who will be in your room in a matter of minutes. So, I stop crying, get out there and put on my best game face with mascara all running down my cheeks and puffy eyes, I go out and face the music. The people I work with are so nice, nobody says a thing, it's like they don't notice, but secretly know. I know people say sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can get back up. I think I'm here and I don't like it. Will someone help me up?

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