Dec 27, 2010

Merry Christmas or Bah Humbug?!

So this holiday season started off pretty good.  It was the first Christmas season in a LONG time that I was actually in the Christmas spirit.  I was listening to Christmas music, excited for my family to come over on Christmas Eve, I even talked Jesse into putting up out tree this year.  (He hasn't put it up the last few years because we "don't have a reason" for it.  It's his way of dealing with our infertility...)

So, I was off to a good start, but then those feelings came bubbling out.  I tried to suppress them, but by Christmas Eve night, I couldn't help it.  I sobbed in Jesse's arms.  Every year friends and family tell us this is it, this is the last year you'll be childless and ever Christmas is the same.  I watch others with their children or worse yet, the dreaded Christmas announcements of babies to come in the next year.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not happy for these people.  It's just that I am sad that I won't ever get to have a Christmas announcement.  It's hard.  It's really hard.  Christmas is supposed to be happy time, but every Christmas I feel the loss of what I don't have.  I honestly thought I was off to a better start, but here I am with these nasty feelings.

I think the hardest part was Jesse got sick at his parent's house on Christmas day, so we came home early and didn't go to my grandma's house.  He went directly to bed and I played wii by myself.  Some Christmas...

I just wish and pray that this FINALLY the last Christmas without our baby.  But the sad part is, who knows?!


Ashley said...

Sorry your Christmas ended poorly. It's easy to get overwhelmed with those feelings but I try to make myself focus on what I DO have instead of dwelling on the negative. I'm praying wholeheartedly that this IS the last year you'll have to experience that!

Kim said...

Hi. I had those feelings for many years as well. I really hope for you that this is your last Christmas w/o your baby(ies.) I feel that it probably is. I mean, you have taken some huge steps recently with adoption, and with that dream you had about twins....who knows, maybe embryo adoption is in the (hopefully) near future as well. 2011 is your year!!! Big hugs!!
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I will say that to me Christmas wouldn't be Christmas w/o opening gifts with my parents, and then going to one of my Uncle's houses. I don't mind driving to a few places to do it. I love the family time!!! Family time is Christmas to me. But, I do understand wher eyou are coming from.
Sorry your Christmas was so gloomy.

Rebekah said...

The holidays are hard. Faking it is hard and dealing with reality is hard.
I'm glad they're over.

Hang in there.

Jaclyn said...

Sorry you had a rough Christmas...I know what you mean though! Had to sit through another "announcement" at Christmas dinner. Worse part? It's someone who is a total control freak, and thus far has had all of their life plans work out exactly on their time schedule as planned. Life's a peach.

Once Upon A Time said...

I'm glad your season started off well, but so sorry it ended not so good. The good news is that it is over. I hope your 2011 Christmas will very very different for you.