So now what?

So, I went to the gyno last week and told him our scoop. He said he would be glad to offer some recommendations for some doctors after I find out what insurance covers. Well, that wasn't too hard. My insurance, teacher insurance, the insurance that is supposed to be o' so good insurance COVERS NOTHING! Well, I shouldn't say nothing. It covers testing and medication up until I need insemination or IVF. Just dandy! So, I then asked for a list of doctors and still am not sure I have the right ones. I'll have to call one more time to be sure. The good thing is they will cover our second opinion. Someone told me once infertility usually has a time limit, but luckily for us that's not the case.

So, I have a few doctors that my gyno recommended and I'm going to start calling. Hopefully to set something up over Spring Break. I would love to hear of any other doctors that anyone might have, so if you know any great REs, please let me know!

I'm just so mad that insurance covers NOTHING. It's not like I made this happen. It's an illness. Would insurance deny someone with diabetes insulin? No, so why are they denying us. We didn't ask for this "diagnosis." I'm really wanting to do something about this. Insurance needs to change. Any help figuring that one out would be much appreciated! Maybe I'll email Oprah!! :)

Alleluia

Alleluia! Alleluia! My little egg has been found!! :)

Saying good-bye

So, my little bro has decided to move away to Florida to get his degree in Music Business. This is great for him, but I can't help but be a little sad that he's leaving. He's always been here. Not too far. And always someone we can count on to help us out. Especially if we need someone to help with the pups. Now he's going to be many miles (and many states) away!

I'm so proud of him for going after his dream and doing this. I know he will be great and totally successful, but I can't help but be sad. Not for him, but for me. My little bro, the one who I always look after and my little bud, won't be here anymore. I'm sad that I won't go over to my parents house and see him chillin on the computer, or sad that when I go to Louie's he won't be there for my quick kiss as I'm coming or going, or sad when I see him with Mom coming into church 15 minutes late. Sad. Just sad.

I would do anything for him and he is my brother who I love and feel like I need to protect like no other. I am still here for you, Chris for whatever you need. I pray and hope that I have something for you to look forward to coming home for. I pray I can make you an uncle while you are away. Please know Jesse and I would do ANYTHING for you and we love you and care about you more than you could ever know! I love you Homer, and I'm going to miss you soooo much! Stay safe and don't let anyone mess with my little bro! Drive carefully and wear your seat belt. Don't forget to brush your teeth and wash your face! :) I love you!!!

Oh where oh where??

So, I don't want to get super personal, but I am. So, if you don't like hearing these things, stop reading right now!!

Well, today is day 15. Great right, mid-cycle, ovulation, lots of sex, right? WRONG! Well, we're having sex, but NO OVULATION! I have the fertility monitor and have been using it since my birthday, so 5 months I've been using this damn thing and every month day 13 BAM! It's time. Full headed ovulation. This month, day 13= nothing, day 14= nothing, day 15= NOTHING! Now, I know that ovulation varies, but seriously, for the last 5 months, day 13 has been it. I think once it was late, day 15, but that was once. I'm starting to get nervous that I'm not going to ovulate this month. What the hell?

I'm going to the gyno today. YEY! It's that time of year. SO, I'll ask him what the deal is, but I know he's going to say, ovulation varies, blah, blah, blah. I'm so annoyed and frustrated. Seriously, where are you little egg?

Shower...

So I decided to go to the shower. It really wasn't a big deal. I did very well. The mother to be wasn't very friendly and didn't spend much time socializing with us. Which I guess is for the best. I didn't get upset. I had a smile on my face and I pretended like I couldn't be more happy for all the people involved. I desire a darn Oscar! I am glad I went, it showed me that I am strong enough to do whatever I put my mind to and also I am a better person for putting my issues aside and being the bigger person. Hopefully this will pay off soon....Real soon! Thanks for all the advice! :)

Thank Goodness it's Break Time!

Well, I made it to mid-winter break!! YEY! This week seems like it has been NON stop. We had conferences and all this other jazz going on... Publishing party, Valentine's party. Ahhh! Now I have the next 9 days off! WHOOOO HOOOO!

So, an update...The shower is tomorrow. I think I have decided to go. I'm still a little uneasy about it, I'm sure there will be tears flowing later in the day, but we'll see. I am looking at it as it will only make me stronger. I feel like when I finally do get pregnant, I'll be able to have the title SuperWOman! I'll let you know how it goes.

I got a little annoyed on Tuesday. I went to play volleyball with friends of a friend. I don't really want to "be on the team," I like being able to say, yes I can play, no I can't. Especially during the school year, there's just so much. Anyway. One of the ladies asked if I could join the team. I told her that I couldn't because in the fall I help coach Utica's team. She said so you could in the winter? I said possibly. I'm so bad at telling people no! She goes on to tell me that the reason is Rachel won't be playing in the winter. So I didn't say anything and Rachel informs me that she will be pregnant and due in March. Well, I just stood there thinking, "wow, that's one LONG pregnancy." When Rachel continues that she and her husband are planning to have their second baby next March-ish time.

Now, I know that these people have NO idea what I'm going through, but I just stood there thinking in my head, "Must be freakin NICE!" Rachel goes on to say, "I'm a planner!" I think I just smiled at that point because no words besides "UGHHH!" were going through my head at this point. But seriously, I'm a "planner" too. I didn't "plan" on God giving me this long wait and I truly don't understand why some of us are the "chosen" ones. I mean seriously, must be freakin nice! I couldn't help but think in the car, "No, I can't play because I too will have a baby next winter, if not before." But I went home took a hot shower and went to bed. Trying to forget those words that Rachel said, but they have haunted me the rest of the night and obviously until this point now.

I'm really trying to have a more upbeat feel on everything...I found out my infection in my uterus is gone. So, YEY! I can eat again and she gave us the true blessing to REALLY start trying. Little does she know we NEVER stopped!! I'm on supplements that are for trying to conceive and we go to the acupuncturist again on Monday. SO, yes, things are looking up. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but every new cycle starts a new hope. Regardless of how many times it hasn't happened! So, for now, I'm pretty positive waiting for that great peak of fertility. I guess we'll just wait and see...

Blessed!

So, I might not be blessed with my "own" children, but these two are the best Godchildren a Godmother could ask for! I think I'm pretty blessed, I've got one of each a Goddaughter and a Godson. Man do I love them BOTH! :)

Missing Grandpa

So I went to the gym yesterday before meeting some friends for dinner. While I was on the cardio machine, I couldn't help but watch this older man leaving the gym in his walker. I smiled at him as he left and suddenly, tears welled up in my eyes. His eyes, something about this man, reminded me of my Grandpa. My grandpa has been in heaven looking down on us for almost 8 years. I miss him tremendously. He was/is a man I adored and truly admired, a great person through and through. He was such a presence. Not in the loud, boisterous way, but in a quiet, gentle, calming way. He would put you at ease just sitting with him. I miss him so much.

I talk with him frequently, asking him to look down on and watch over us and especially Grandma, the true love of his life. He and my grandma gave me hope that true love exists and watching the two of them dance whenever and wherever made me want that for myself. I, of course, ask him for some pull in the baby making department, he's got to have some connections up there.

He was a great man and he taught me the value of family and being proud of who you are and where you came from. The man loved and accepted everyone. There is not one person in my family who would ever doubt Grandpa's love. His eyes said it all. And something about the way that man looked at me at the gym. Even that brief glance, was my grandpa's eyes speaking to me. Telling me not to give up, telling me he's there, and maybe just telling me he's still listening.

I miss you Grandpa, and I know you're pulling for me. I want so badly to have a baby so that my child will one day have a relationship with my dad, their grandpa, the way I did with you! My dad is my hero and I know it is because he is exactly like you. Please keep blessing us and looking over us. I love you!

To go or not go...That is the question

So, I'm in a little bit of a predicament...My husband's cousin is pregnant (well he's not, but his wife is), of course who isn't, and her baby shower is in 2 lovely weeks. I was planning on going because you don't pass up a chance to get an A+ in karma, you know if you go, maybe this will be the month God smiles down on you. So I told my mom-in-law I'd be there. However, after my lovely day yesterday...I'm not sure I'm going to feel up for the stupid comments. You know, "Jamie and Tim have only been married for a little less than a year, you and Jess have been married for over 5. When are you going to have little ones." To which I will probably want to answer with, "Because I eat children for lunch, you idiot!"

But seriously, I have been to so many baby showers and feel like I don't know if I'll be able to compose myself for this one. It's so hard to sit through those and especially right now. I hate to say I judge whose showers I go to, but I don't think I want to sit through this one. Does that make me a bad person? Will that mean 6 more months of the dreaded infertility? Or do I suck it up, put on my best game face and show them all I can handle it? I just don't know what to do...Do I go and hope for karma's good graces or stay home and mope and feel sorry for myself? I don't know...I guess we'll see...

BFN!

You know, I'm trying so hard to remain positive throughout this whole ordeal, but there are times when it's not so easy. This month we did everything. I had a massage right before ovulation and she worked on the pressure points that help with ovulation and pregnancy. We saw our acupuncturist the day before my LH surge was detected. We paced out our baby making...not too much, not too little, just right. Or so we thought. I'm so sick of getting my hopes up each month to get hit with the inevitable news...NO LUCK!

I was so sure this was our month. I was upbeat, I was happy for others, genuinely happy, and we did all the "right" things. I went to see Holly and the baby, I was planning on going to Jamie's shower, I was truly happy for Heather when she told me she was having her long awaited girl. When does my happiness start? Seriously. How long do we have to go through this crap? Month after month, I take those stupid ovulation tests. Month after month, I get so excited because I just "know" this will be OUR month. Month after month, I'm hit with a BIG FAT NEGATIVE! It makes me feel like why should I even try? Why even bother?

I've asked God for the miracle, I've asked God for the wisdom to overcome, I've asked God for strength, hope, faith, I've asked him for everything, but obviously he just doesn't care! I'm so sick of this. I take care of myself. I stay away from caffeine. Christ, I had one pop this month, the first in about 2 years. I eat vegetables and fruits, staying away from processed food and sugar. Jesus, what for? There are people out there whose diet consists of nothing but what I avoid and add McDonald's and 62 oz. of pop and make it a diet so I have all that fake sugar shit in my body and whamo they get the baby!

I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know I have a lot, no I have a ton of things, I am happy for. I KNOW that. But seriously, how long does a couple have to go through this. Maybe it's time to consider adoption or loading myself up with all those horrible drugs and spending our life's savings to try for it. I don't know. All I know is I'm so sick of this vicious and sad cycle.