Mar 13, 2011

Infertility-My Idol?

**Personal Post**

I had a very A-ha moment today at church.  I have been struggling a little bit lately with where I am spiritually.  Our church is involved with a HUGE initiative in the Detroit area called EACH (Everyone A Chance to Hear).  This initiative has a first series called The (Second) Greatest Story.  Small groups have curriculum that they are to follow every week that goes along with this.  At the end of the series, all 450 churches in the area that have signed on to do this will put their faith into action and will be doing community-wide projects and being God's hands and feet.  I'm really excited to see how this all transpires.

Until Wednesday (small group).  We were talking about our stories.  You know our individual stories of our relationship with God.  We learned that in order to tell our story to others, we need to incorporate 3 important parts of our story:  What you were before Christ; How you met Christ; Now what?  How has your life changed due to finding Christ.

I can answer question 1.  I never had a life "before Christ" because I was raised going to church.  I went to church all my life and always had a belief in God.  However, as I grew up, I had questions about my faith and struggled with finding my religion and my beliefs.  I, however, discovered in this quest that although I believed in God, I didn't have a relationship with him.  I had God in a box.  God was there when I went to church or when I was struggling or my prayers before bed, but other than that, I had no relationship with him. I lived life on my agenda and took credit for everything in my life.

Question 2 was a breeze too.  I had worked hard for everything I achieved in life, so therefore, I never really had any reason to question how it all worked out.  I believed it was due to this hard work.  Now, I am fully aware it was because of God.  However, it took me going through some extremely rough and dark times.  Jesse's old job was a source of major discontent in our marriage.  I hated his partners, I hated the hours, I hated that I NEVER saw him.  Infertility came into our lives during this time.  It was during this time also that I began to question my faith.

As much as I hate infertility and wish the world could be disposed of this horrible disease.  Infertility is a blessing to me in a few ways.  Infertility allowed me to really doubt God.  I know, I know, that sounds really weird, but stick with me.  I hope I can get to the point.  Doubting God allowed me to find my God.  If God were to have granted me with my wish, I would've gone about my life "knowing" that I worked hard for that.  Infertility is something no matter how hard you try, you have no control!  That's where God started working in me and around me in ways that slowly became obvious. (Funny speaks a little of my journey.)  So long story short, coming to our new church was the connection I needed to rekindle my relationship, or even just start a relationship.  I began going to small group, reading the bible and accepting God into my life on a daily basis.

Question 3, what is your life like now?  I couldn't answer.  I struggled with...

Flash forward to today at church.  Today our pastor was talking about Christ being the light.  Everyone needs light, everyone clings to light, everyone follows the light.  He then spoke of us being the light.  God has strategically placed us where we live, work, play, etc. to be the light, to share God's love.  He said we have two jobs: LOVE GOD, LOVE PEOPLE.  We also have a job to keep our "love" of God as passionate as our love of our spouse.  (Hold up...Huh?)  I struggled with this.  I don't feel I have a passionate love with God even though I spend time with him daily, want to do his will, accept him...what am I doing wrong?

He then went on and that's when MY light went on.  He spoke about sin.  He spoke about repenting (Matthew 5:16).  He said repenting means knowing you are doing wrong, completely turning away and run from it.  Then he said this what are you basing your whole life on?  

That's when it hit me.  Infertility, Adoption, a baby, they are all my idol!  I have been obsessing with all of these for the past 6 years.  Although I love God, trust God, and want to do God's will, I have not given up all my idols.  I need to have a love for God first and foremost.  It doesn't mean I can't want a baby or desire a baby, but having a baby CANNOT be my obsession.  I need to repent my desire and turn towards God.  A baby will not fill the hole or what is missing from my life, only God can.

I don't know what or where to go from here, but I feel like I'm finally on the right path...


Ashley said...

Awesome, awesome post! I'm so glad you posted this because I think so many women are focusing on their infertility and it is in many ways their idol. Keep seeking God daily and your relationship with Him will grow by leaps and bounds! So proud of you!

Hillary said...

Thank you so much for sharing your faith journey with us, and your heart. I, too, have had many moments where I have wrestled with infertility as an idol in my life. I pray that through this moment of turning that over to God your faith and love for him can grow more deeply. I have recently been learning that he really is enough - even if I never have a baby.


Ellie said...

God bless you for the inspiring and very honest post. Not only was your personal story an account of your obedience to God's love and calling over your life...I also think that just by the fact that you posted it, it will reach so many other women (sisters-in-Christ and women who may not even know the Lord yet). You are a blessing to others for sharing your story. Thanks for being used by God to gently and sweetly remind me to get my focus off my idols, as well. God bless you.

Jess said...

Thanks for posting. I've been struggling with this exact sin recently. This past Sunday, my pastor was discussing Joseph's troubled life. He said that Joseph was comforted through his troubles because he knew that God had already seen the whole picture; that He knew what the end would be and that the Glory would rest on Him alone. I pray that God would be glorified in my infertility.