Isn't This Supposed to Get Easier?!

So Sunday is another baby shower for a friend. I have been doing amazingly well lately with all that kind of stuff.  That is until I walked into Buy Buy Baby!  That place even smells like a baby!  I was reeling!

I walked around aimlessly and had many people question if I needed help.  I politely turned them all down and ventured to figure it out on my own.  I slowly walked through the bedding and wondered if I would ever be the one picking that stuff out.  It was a little too painful to look at the themes.  I felt as if the giraffes and tigers were all laughing at me.

Then I slowly made it over to the bath stuff.  That's where I made myself find the things.  Bath stuff is a little safer than the bottles or onesies or blankets or frames or car seats of diaper bags.  I was determined to finish my list there.  Even there I looked around pathetically wishing that it could be me.

April hold significant emotion for me.  It was in April of 2004 that I threw out the birth control and so naively thought I'd be knocked up by the following school year.  Here I sit 7 years later in the same boat I was then.

I know that I have lot going for me and things are on the up, but it just sucks!  I mean how long do we have to suffer?  Sorry to be a downer, just needed to vent.  Thanks for listening!

Fingers Crossed!

We have been seeing our nutrition doctor since September.  Jesse went in November to give a sample to see if what we had been doing was working.  To my amazement, his count went up.  However, the morphology was not good.  He told Jesse to continue with the supplements he was on and then gave him testosterone to improve the morphology.  That was December.

Jesse goes today to leave another sample to see if what we've been doing will improve the results.  I'm so nervous.  I was such a brat to him yesterday and then I realized why and called him to apologize.

I don't know why I'm nervous.  We're already in the adoption process.  However, to my knowledge, we aren't on the radar for a baby anytime soon.  I want the results to improve.  I want for something to finally happen.

I'm not scared because I know it's all in God's hands, but I just have it going on in the back of my mind.  Please pray for me today to find the peace and also pray for our journey to be fulfilled in God's will.  With those prayers, I know that things will go according to His plan and not mine!

Infertility-My Idol?

**Personal Post**

I had a very A-ha moment today at church.  I have been struggling a little bit lately with where I am spiritually.  Our church is involved with a HUGE initiative in the Detroit area called EACH (Everyone A Chance to Hear).  This initiative has a first series called The (Second) Greatest Story.  Small groups have curriculum that they are to follow every week that goes along with this.  At the end of the series, all 450 churches in the area that have signed on to do this will put their faith into action and will be doing community-wide projects and being God's hands and feet.  I'm really excited to see how this all transpires.

Until Wednesday (small group).  We were talking about our stories.  You know our individual stories of our relationship with God.  We learned that in order to tell our story to others, we need to incorporate 3 important parts of our story:  What you were before Christ; How you met Christ; Now what?  How has your life changed due to finding Christ.

I can answer question 1.  I never had a life "before Christ" because I was raised going to church.  I went to church all my life and always had a belief in God.  However, as I grew up, I had questions about my faith and struggled with finding my religion and my beliefs.  I, however, discovered in this quest that although I believed in God, I didn't have a relationship with him.  I had God in a box.  God was there when I went to church or when I was struggling or my prayers before bed, but other than that, I had no relationship with him. I lived life on my agenda and took credit for everything in my life.

Question 2 was a breeze too.  I had worked hard for everything I achieved in life, so therefore, I never really had any reason to question how it all worked out.  I believed it was due to this hard work.  Now, I am fully aware it was because of God.  However, it took me going through some extremely rough and dark times.  Jesse's old job was a source of major discontent in our marriage.  I hated his partners, I hated the hours, I hated that I NEVER saw him.  Infertility came into our lives during this time.  It was during this time also that I began to question my faith.

As much as I hate infertility and wish the world could be disposed of this horrible disease.  Infertility is a blessing to me in a few ways.  Infertility allowed me to really doubt God.  I know, I know, that sounds really weird, but stick with me.  I hope I can get to the point.  Doubting God allowed me to find my God.  If God were to have granted me with my wish, I would've gone about my life "knowing" that I worked hard for that.  Infertility is something no matter how hard you try, you have no control!  That's where God started working in me and around me in ways that slowly became obvious. (Funny speaks a little of my journey.)  So long story short, coming to our new church was the connection I needed to rekindle my relationship, or even just start a relationship.  I began going to small group, reading the bible and accepting God into my life on a daily basis.

Question 3, what is your life like now?  I couldn't answer.  I struggled with...

Flash forward to today at church.  Today our pastor was talking about Christ being the light.  Everyone needs light, everyone clings to light, everyone follows the light.  He then spoke of us being the light.  God has strategically placed us where we live, work, play, etc. to be the light, to share God's love.  He said we have two jobs: LOVE GOD, LOVE PEOPLE.  We also have a job to keep our "love" of God as passionate as our love of our spouse.  (Hold up...Huh?)  I struggled with this.  I don't feel I have a passionate love with God even though I spend time with him daily, want to do his will, accept him...what am I doing wrong?

He then went on and that's when MY light went on.  He spoke about sin.  He spoke about repenting (Matthew 5:16).  He said repenting means knowing you are doing wrong, completely turning away and run from it.  Then he said this what are you basing your whole life on?  


That's when it hit me.  Infertility, Adoption, a baby, they are all my idol!  I have been obsessing with all of these for the past 6 years.  Although I love God, trust God, and want to do God's will, I have not given up all my idols.  I need to have a love for God first and foremost.  It doesn't mean I can't want a baby or desire a baby, but having a baby CANNOT be my obsession.  I need to repent my desire and turn towards God.  A baby will not fill the hole or what is missing from my life, only God can.

I don't know what or where to go from here, but I feel like I'm finally on the right path...

It's Getting Easier!!

I don't think I've told you guys this, but in 6 weeks, I'm running a half marathon!!  Yikes!  I have been thinking about doing one since the first of the year.  I wanted to give myself a challenge and something to focus on so I wouldn't stress about the adoption.  Low and behold one of my friends told me she's running a half marathon in April.

With her nudging and support, I decided I would do it!  Today I ran 6 miles.  That is the first time I've ever run that far.  The last half mile was pretty rough, but I did it!  I only stopped twice for a water break.  I think once would have been the smarter choice because I started to get some bad cramps towards the end.

I doubted myself last week when I had to do 5.  It's too hard, I can't do it, my knees hurt. Those things are true, if I let them be true.  I'm going to sign up for this thing.  (Registration has to be done by the 15th!)  And I'm going to do it!  I don't know when I'll finish, but I'm going to try.  I'm pretty proud of myself considering I wasn't always a "runner."

Email

Don't forget to leave me an email address.  You can comment me or email me mmproper@yahoo.com

Private...

I posted a private post about somethings that have been going on.  If you're interested in reading, just send me an email. Just thought I'd let you know!  

Come ON!

For those of you who live in the Midwest, we have had one heck of a winter that still continues to pound at us.  My theory on winter and the cold is if it's going to be cold, might as well have the pretty snow.  But let me tell you, I'm really getting sick of the snow!!

But there's good news...We live on a pond and the ducks are back.  Eight of them this year and I have and heard more birds flying through the air.  I even watched one bird make a nest in our evergreen in the backyard.

Although the ground is still covered with snow and ice, there are small signs of spring!!  Come on spring, you can do it!!

Soapbox

I'm on my soapbox right now...I'm just sayin...

I have watched One Tree Hill for most of my marriage.  I don't think I watched officially when it started, but after I lost my "Friends," and 90210 cast mates, I searched and searched for a new sitcom and drama show.  Low and behold, I found One Tree Hill.  A great 90210 replacement at the time.

This show has always made me laugh with it's unrealistic, or hard to imagine (should I say?) story lines.  For those of you who don't watch, let me give you a low down of some of the things that have happened to the characters on the show:
*A couple married and pregnant in high school AND living on their own
*One character shoots and kills his brother
*One character has parents that never are home and basically lives on her own
*Car goes off a bridge into the river
*One character almost dies giving birth
*Crazy babysitter steals boy at wedding
*Dad is drugged by above crazy babysitter
*One character makes it to the NBA
*An crazy girl comes in and shoots a couple in their home
*Drugs
*Jail
Although I know a lot of these story lines CAN really happen, the way they portray them and ALL of them happening in this small little town are just a little far-fetched.

Throughout all the drama, I continue to watch week after week and even sucked my husband into watching this show with me.  I LOVE the show.  Craziness and all.

A few weeks ago though, something struck a cord with me.  One of the characters has been told that she will never be able to have a child.  She recently got married on the show and on the Valentine's Day episode, her new husband told her that he wanted to adopt so they could have a baby.  I loved this!  Finally a situation I could relate to.  I imagined in that moment being able to relate to the craziness of the home study, the waiting, and all the trials that will happen as they go through the process.

That was entirely short-lived.  The VERY next week, they received a call that they were chosen as a prospective couple for an infant adoption.  I turned the tv off.  I was so upset that they would make the adoption process look so insanely quick and easy!  One week they say they want to adopt, the next they are meeting with a pregnant mom to be.  I had a hard time with this one.  I had hoped that they would at least try to make this situation a little more relatable and realistic. 

I did watch the episode and it was okay, but I was just disappointed.  I have said for awhile that I wish there was a show that would help adoptive couples see the process and show those not going through it the struggles, the ups and the downs, and all the moments in between that an adoptive couple goes through along the journey.

I know that it is a show.  I know that it has a LONG history of some far off story lines, but I was so hopeful that this story line would be a little more realistic.  I will continue to watch the show.  I just wanted a minute to express my, I don't know, irritation with how Hollywood makes adoption look so easy and quick!