Getting back up!

Well thanks to friends and family that are truly the most amazing and supportive people anyone could ask for. I think I am starting to make a change for the better. I have started researching acupuncture and my friend is letting me borrow/use her fertility monitor. I feel like anything I can do will help. Jesse put it all on the line for me the other day. He said, "What would you have said if someone told you that you couldn't teach in Utica?" I answered, "I wouldn't take no for an answer." He replied, "then why are you giving up on us?" Thank Jess. That's what I needed to hear. No more feeling sorry for myself. I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. I will get upset and that's okay. But no more am I going to believe that we are not going to have children. It's going to happen, we are going to make it happen. We both are together working to get what we want most in life, a family all our own!

Reaching bottom before you get back up...

Just when I thought I couldn't feel any lower...BAM! I'm knocked down. It hits me when I don't even know it's coming. Yesterday, I got to work extra early to finally get caught up and feel like I'm on top of things. I turn on my computer, check my email. There's a message from Jeff, a co-worker, informing all of us that a former employee is now pregnant. BAM! There it is another shot to the heart. Another person who has experienced a joy that I am wondering will ever come to me. I'm not jealous of her, but sad for myself, I can't help but wonder why? I try to hold back the tears that are bursting out of my eyes. Before I know it, I am sobbing, down right sobbing and it's not even 8am. My teacher friend comes and consoles me and lets me know that I am not alone. It helps, it's what I needed. I did feel better, but I still had more cry in me. I went to the bathroom to try to compose myself, but it was no use. I spent the next 5 minutes looking at myself in the mirror sobbing. WHY? WHY ME? WHY US? WHEN'S IT GOING TO BE OUR TURN? All these thoughts were running through my mind and then the reality hits...Pull it together, I tell myself, you have 24 little ones who will be in your room in a matter of minutes. So, I stop crying, get out there and put on my best game face with mascara all running down my cheeks and puffy eyes, I go out and face the music. The people I work with are so nice, nobody says a thing, it's like they don't notice, but secretly know. I know people say sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can get back up. I think I'm here and I don't like it. Will someone help me up?

Losing Faith...

I haven't at all mentioned this, it has been a taboo subject for me to post, but I am so hurt and don't know what to do anymore. I feel this is my escape right now. After trying to have a baby for nearly 4 years, it is extremely hard for me to still have hope and faith that God is on our side. I have an extremely hard time believing that a God could continue to hurt Jesse and me over and over and over. Although, we are extremely happy for everyone in our lives that is able to do this miraculous thing, conceive a child, we can't help but wonder, when is our time. We have watched many friends, family members (and also people we don't particularly like) share their joy with us. We have smiled and believed in our hearts our time will come, but it hasn't and it doesn't feel like it ever will. It's so unbelievably hard to watch all these people experience the joy you wonder if you'll ever be able to relate to. It's hard to believe a God could keep doing this to us over and over and yet we still have to hold our heads up and believe. It's hard! We can't help but wonder, what did we do? Why not us? Why? I'm losing faith, I'm losing hope and I'm starting to believe that doing the "right" thing gets you nowhere! HELP!!

Louie's Opening?

Jesse's birthday is today and his big inspection is this afternoon. If all goes well, Louie's should be open today...Maybe tomorrow. They are waiting for some more things that they need to come in, in order to operate! We'll see. He is so excited, but trying to seem cool about it. I am so proud of him. I know it had to be scary leaving a place he had worked at for so long, but sometimes these scary changes are what you need. How would he know what else is out there if he didn't take the risk?

He is doing so much better too. He is more relaxed, calm and just more himself. He doesn't have to worry about all the bullshnikeyness he did before. Yesterday, we went out to dinner with Heather and Steve and then, for the first time in a LONG time, we set out on the deck and had a beer. It was heaven to me!

HAWAII

We just got back from Hawaii. It was amazing. So needed and well deserved. We had a ball relaxing and enjoying the sights and sounds. The time difference was a challenge, but somehow sitting my the beach and relaxing was not so tough. We stayed on the big island for a week. We went to an active volcano...Kinda freaky. Especially due to the fact that the thing erupted two weeks before we got there sending boulders the size of refrigerators 2 miles away, plus all the signs that said breathing in the SO2 is so bad for you. We went on a tour and saw the entire island, that was cool, but a long day. It lasted 12 hours! Seeing the island from a birds perspective was the best. You got to see everything. I had fun until all the twisting and turning to see the volcano made me a bit nauseous. What else? Oh yeah, snorkeling was so intense. They took us to two bays. The first one dropped you off in water 40 feet deep. It took my breath away, literally, when I jumped in. The water was very chilly, and I started to wig out just a tad bit. Thank God we had gone to Florida and did the snorkeling thing with the dolphins, otherwise, I think I would have MAJORLY freaked out! But after I got used to the water, it was awesome! I kept looking out into the ocean expecting to see a shark, thank goodness that never happened!!! But I kept lookout just in case. The rest of the time, we spent sitting on the ocean. We discovered that the Marriott had these wonderful lounge chairs to sit by the ocean in, so we pretended like we knew what we were doing and were Marriott beach members!

Waikiki was completely insane. Thank goodness we were only there for 3 days. It was like a New York City on the beach. Cars honking, sirens blaring, people screaming all at 4am! Pearl Harbor was an amazing experience though. You can't help going there and reflecting upon what all those people felt on that fateful day. I couldn't help but think of September 11th and related so much to how the people must have felt during that time. It was an experience no words can describe unless you have gone there and experienced it. We also saw the USS Missouri. I didn't think I would like it, but it wound up being really amazing. You got to see how they lived, ate and fought. The rest of the time, we vegged. One day after walking through all the streets and shops, we actually took a nap and watched a half dozen Jon and Kate Plus 8 episodes! I LOVE that show!

Overall it was an awesome vacation. We had a great time reconnecting and enjoying our time together. It was nice to have my husband's time, and attention. He was a completely different person. He was relaxed and enjoying himself. I have created a vacation monster. He laughed at me and said that if we don't get our February break next year with our new contract, too bad for me because he is coming back to Hawaii with my parents! What a jerk! He'll go back, but NOT without me!

Scared

Well, Jesse is no longer with Fin-tini's. It is a great relief, but also a big scare at times. I feel bad for him because I know this was his dream. Unfortunately, it didn't work out for us. I don't think he was ever viewed as a partner by them. I feel and will always feel they used him, got what they wanted out of him and had NO intention of EVER giving him any profit share. They are crooks by my book. But it's not going to break us down. We are strong, smart and nice people. Good things will come to us. We have been blessed and I know with all my heart and soul this is the best thing for us. I know that we needed this to take the next step in our relationship to start a family and I'm not going to feel bad for anyone else. My husband is my number one and it has killed me to see him miss out on things like family Christmases, weddings and many other family and friend gatherings because of his job. I am very scared to take this scary plunge, but I know this all we needed to make our lives what we've always dreamed!