Break the Chain...Or Cycle

I don't know if I've posted about this before, but I am a HUGE Housewives fan!  I love Housewives of New Jersey, Orange County, Beverly Hills and my fave--NEW YORK!  I started watching a few seasons back and fell in love with Bethenny Frankel.  I loved her sarcasm and honesty.  She was hilarious.  So, it was no surprise that I would start watching Bethenny Getting Married and Bethenny Ever After...Yes, I am a HUGE reality tv junkie!

Recently she came out with a new book, A Place of Yes, and I got it from the library.

 I was curious what she had to say.

I just finished Chapter One, entitled, Break the Chain and I just felt compelled to blog about it.  In this chapter she spoke about your upbringing and the things that happen to you growing up or in life don't have to define you.  You don't have to follow the way things were, you can chose to take the good and leave the bad.  You also have the right to Break the Chain when you are leaving the bad.  This struck a HUGE cord with me because Jesse and I have been talking a lot about breaking the cycle in both of our families.

I don't think I've ever mentioned anything about our family, but we are a close knit family that has our issues.  We both love our families dearly and had a great childhood, but there are things that we want to break the cycle with our children and our family.  We have spoken about this since we started seeing our counselor.

Many times it's not easy to break the cycle.  You fall into routines, rituals, or dances (as our wise counselor calls them.)  You have to be aware of the things that you do and the way the things you say or do effect other people.  Very frequently, in my family, people will say things in the heat of the moment and think that with a simple apology it makes it all better.  But as much as I would love to say "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me," is true...it's not!  Words DO hurt.  They stick with you.  They are hard to forget, but in breaking the cycle, I chose to leave that behind.

It takes a very conscience effort to break the cycles of families, but my love for my future children and my husband outweigh ANY obstacles breaking the cycle will bring.  I know I have had moments and will have moments that I won't be able to break the cycle.   I will say things that hurt people, but I also know that just apologizing doesn't make it better.  I will have to show I am wanting to change by making the change and living my life different.

I don't know where this post is coming from, maybe it's because my parents are moving in for a few months while they find their new house.  I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. But, I just felt I needed to get my thoughts out after reading that chapter.  I don't know if the rest of the book will hit me as hard as this one did, but if it did...You'll be hearing more from me!

Email to our Potential Donor

I just wanted to share a short story with you about what happened last night at small group.  We watched a video about putting our trust in God and that was our number one job as Christians.  At the end of the video, he asked, "who or what do you put your trust in above God?"

Afterward, we were all asked what we came up with.  For me, it was money.  And I explained that we worked so hard to have a couple fundraisers and pay off our debt to have a baby.  I spoke about using that money and then we need it in the future and we're back at square one.  The topic, obviously, came around to the embryo adoption we have with you and my friend asked me if I'm afraid of using all our money for this, and it not working.  Yes was my answer.  Jesse reassured me that if it came to that, we would be in a much better place financially and it wouldn't be as big as a hit.

Then my friend spoke up and shared that he was thinking about me yesterday.  He was amazed that me, here in Michigan, and you, there in XXXX, by some circumstance were united.  He spoke of how he knows it's not a coincidence and that God had some hand in this.  He said that although we don't know if going through with all of this will bear the fruit we are praying it will, there is some reason that God is doing this. 

That helped.  Although I know with all my being if I don't go through with this, I will always wonder what if, it is a scary thing.  There are so many variables and what ifs and uncertainty, but I'm so excited to give it a try.  I'm not going to lie to you, the wait feels like forever.  We started "trying" in April of 2004.  I threw away the birth control and thought we'd be parents in no time.  Obviously, that was not our path.  The path, although painful at times, has brought Jesse and I so close I know there is NOTHING that we can't do together.  I also know that if we were given the baby when we first wanted, our lives would not be where they are.  So, in a weird way, I am thankful for all we have gone through.  Saying that, it doesn't make the pain that sometimes sneaks up any easier.  I have the strongest desire in the world to be a mom.  Sometimes I let that get the best of me.  But I just wanted to share with you what happened yesterday, as well as some things that are on my heart!

I am so eager to see where this relationship and journey takes us.  Words do not seem enough when I think about the potential gift you will give us, if everything works out.  I just wanted you to know what's on my heart today!

No News...

I broke down yesterday and called our adoption worker.  I had a few questions because we had received paperwork to redo our finger prints and physical updates.  I wanted to know when it expired and how much time we had.  I thought we had a little while.  She told me that it didn't expire until October, but they send it early to schedule doc appointments and allow time.  I asked a couple more questions.  Then I asked the dreaded, where do we stand question.

She told me our profile book has been viewed every month until May.  They are experiencing a "quiet time", as she put it.  Most birth mothers are already matched and the new ones aren't really into the process yet.  I understood.

I hung up and asked Jesse what he thought.  He told me that he thinks we'll spend our money for these finger prints and doctors appointments for no reason, because come December we'll have our friend's donated embryos.  I just smiled at him.

That is still the hope.  We're praying for our friend to deliver a healthy baby in December and hopefully sometime in January or February have our FET!!

We are hoping to go see our donor in November and meet with her doctor.  I have to call.  But, it still feels so far away.  I think I'm going to call to just "touch base" with her doctor, find out his protocol and see what the nurse thinks about November.  Should we try to schedule our appointment now?

Thanks and Help!

Thanks so much for all your encouragement and insight!  I can't believe this is happening.  We are so excited, but we do have a bit of a wait too.  But, I'm getting "good" at waiting!   I'm just going to be praying for a healthy baby to be born to my friend.  We're talking about going out in November to meet our potential donor and husband.  That would be close to her due date and then we could see her RE and hopefully get our things started.  This journey is going to be quite interesting.

Now, I need a little help...I'm stuck!  My cousin's always have these themed parties.  They live out of state, so I'm never able to join.  However, I will be able to make the next party.  My cousin in Grand Rapids and I will be going out to Chi-town to visit them and be at the party.  The only problem...I'm stuck.

The theme is Family TV shows.  We have to dress like a character from a family tv show.  My cousin is going to be Kim Kardashian.  She wants to stuff her butt!  :0)  She's hilarious.  The only thing I can think of is DJ Tanner from Full House.  I was thinking of trying to do my hair like this...

The only outfit I can think of is the one where she had jean overalls and a flower shirt.  This is the pic...

But, I don't have jean overall shorts?!  Anyone got any suggestions?!  Please help!

GAME CHANGER...

You guys are so amazing and supportive, I cannot imagine what I'd do without all of your help.  There have been some new things to consider...I don't even know where to begin.  Last year when we were considering embryo adoption, a friend (I'm going to keep her identity secret for now), wrote to me expressing that after she completes her second IVF, she would like to donate her embryos to Jesse and me.  Obviously we didn't go through with anything last fall and I thought the offer was over.  How do you contact someone and say, "yeah, those embryos...are we still on?"  I just didn't feel right.  So, I didn't think more about it.

After my last post, she contacted me again!  Saying that another couple fell through and here she was hoping that we would take her embryos again now that we're considering going through with the process.  I was dumbfounded.  REALLY?!  US?!  Are you kidding?  Those were just a few of the thoughts that have rumbled around in my head after getting her email.

We have since emailed back a few times and tentatively discussed things.  She wants to wait until her second child is here and we completely understand that.  She lives in a different state and here are some weird coincidences...or are they God's gifts?  She lives about 2 hours away from my sister.  My sister's boyfriend just passed his bar exam and is a family law lawyer and can help us with the contract.  Jesse and I talked about going for our anniversary next month and now we're seriously considering going that way to meet our potential donor.

Things seem too good to be true.  This is EVERYTHING I've been wanting to happen.  Yesterday we went to the other side of the state for my godson's birthday.  On the way home I voiced my concerns and fears.  I voiced a whole range of what ifs... Jesse said he understands, but he's never felt more right about something.  We left the conversation with I am hopeful and want to move forward and I will continue to pursue this, but I'm afraid.

On my way to church this morning I prayed for discernment in our decision.  I want to know that this is God's will and not me trying to make my desires "God's will."  Then we go to church today.  Can you guess the topic?  Trusting God and not giving in to fear.  They did a whole "game" where they called a kid up to walk a homemade balance beam.  After the child walked across, they put up beaver traps, bear traps and 18 inch spikes along side the beam and asked the kid if they would want to go now?  Of course the kids said no.  Then the speaker asked, "if you were able to have your dad walk beside you, catch you if you stumbled and keep you from harm would you do it?"  Most of the kids answered yes.  They trust their dad that much that they would do it.  Obviously no one did this crazy stunt, but the visual made a huge impact.

It's just like our father in heaven.  God will hold our hand, walk with us through the hard times.  Just like you trust your dad to help you walk across the beam, you can trust God to walk you through the storm.  TRUST HIM!

Two verses they said that struck a chord with me were Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Jesse and I didn't sit by each other today because I was helping, but afterward he came up and said, "did you hear that?"  I immediately starting crying.  God spoke to me.  He told me not to fear.  He has this.  I just have to trust.  I do.  I will.  Here we go.  Are you guys up for the ride?  I am!!

They ended service with one of my favorite praise songs, here is the song with the lyrics.  Enjoy!

Is It Cheating?!

Thank you for all your comments and support.  It has really helped. Here is what I'm struggling with and I guess has a lot to do with my "fear."  A few years ago, I prayed and prayed to God to show us what our next steps should be.  It began with a whisper and by the end, I felt like God was bashing me on my head to adopt.

Slowly, I realized that being a parent doesn't have anything to do with DNA and biology, but more importantly it has to do with loving, caring and guiding a child.  I began to see that being a Mommy was more important than carrying a baby and having it be "part" of us.  We looked into adoption.

Soon after, we learned about embryo adoption and felt this was the best of both worlds. It was still adoption, but I would get to be pregnant and experience the ups and downs of carrying a child.  We felt great about it.  Then I had the most challenging class of my career and decided to wait awhile.

Here we are again.  Considering embryo adoption again.  I am fearful (for lack of better word) of a couple things.  I am afraid of disobeying God.  We have waited so long, I know what he has in store for us and planned for us will be better than ANYTHING I can ever imagine.  I know that embryo adoption is still adoption, but I feel like I'm cheating a little.  I mean, I will get everything I've ever dreamed about: pregnancy, baby, family.  Could this be too good to be true?

I've been praying my rear off to make certain that this is what God intends for us.  But I'm not sure if I'm hearing him.  We've done so much work to follow God's will in our lives, I'm afraid to make the "wrong" decision right now.

I'm still reading that What is God Waiting For book that I mentioned before.  Today it talked about waiting it out and dealing with God's delay.  I'm conflicted.  I don't know if the embryo thing is here because it's what I truly want or if it's what God wants for me.  I want with all my being to try it, but don't know if it's what I should do...