Apr 3, 2011

Frozen Heart

I have been feeling a little ehhh  lately, and I have been really looking forward to the new series they have been talking about at church.  The series is called Thaw.  This week it talked about Thawing your heart towards God.  Next week is thawing your heart toward people and lastly thawing your heart toward the world.

This week has made me think, is my heart hardened?  Do I have a frozen heart?  I'm still not sure after I went to church, but I'm hoping by getting my feelings out, it will help me a little.  On Monday, I had a break down as you read in my last post.  Then on Wednesday, at small group, my friends asked how I was doing and I started to cry.  I don't think there's anything wrong with every now and then crying.  What we've been through and continue to go through is NOT easy.  I would NOT wish this on anyone.  It sucks!  It hurts and I don't understand it.

On the way home, Jesse and I got into a huge fight because he told me he doesn't like it when I'm upset and wishes I could change my outlook to a more positive outlook.  I understand that at the time, my outlook sucked, to put it bluntly.  But I don't wallow in that all the time.  It happens here or there.  I'm not stuck in the hold like I was before.  I will fall, I will stumble, I will hurt, and I think given all we are going through it's okay.  I think that I pick myself up a lot quicker than I ever did before.  I am able to see a silver lining in what we're going through.  But I still have emotions and I still wish it were all over.

So back to church...The pastor asked, "where is your heart?"  Here are some symptoms of a frozen, hardened heart: not praying, doubts, disobedient to God, Not listening or having trouble hearing God, grouchy, and short tempered.  Well, I hate to say it, but I have a lot of the "symptoms."  I do have my doubts at time.  I wonder if what we're doing is really what God has instructed us to do.  I, naively, thought I heard God telling us to adopt and I so immaturely thought once we get on the path God intends for us, poof! our dreams will come true.  That didn't happen.  It causes me to think, can I really hear God, does he really talk to me?  How can I be sure it's him?  So, it's not that I'm not listening to him, I'm not sure what in the world he's telling me?!  I thought adoption was what he wanted for us.  

Now, don't get me wrong, I know that our "adoption" journey has not been all that long.  We were official in November, and I know that the average adoption takes 18-24 months, I get all that.  I just thought once we followed where God was guiding, things would move along a little quicker.  Maybe I'm just really immature in my faith?  I don't know?

Then the last two symptoms: grouchy and short tempered.  Yep.  Check and check!  Mostly with my dear old hubby too.  I do have a lot on my plate right now.  Education isn't looking like it has the promising future I always believed I had with my job.  It's quite honestly terrifying.  I'm not sure what the future of my job will be and that scares the heck out of me.  I'm questioning whether or not we are doing what God wants us to do.  And I think all of that makes me act grouchy and short tempered.

The steps they recommended for making sure we have a thawed heart is to:
1.  Stay in God's word--  I try, for the most part, to start everyday in God's word.  I don't do this because I have to do it, I do it because I want to start my day off on the right foot, so to say, and get my head right for the day.

2.  Stay close to a friend-- I have a few friends that I can be truly and honestly me to and I know that they won't judge me, but will pray for me and support me.  These are my accountability friends.  They keep me accountable to follow God's guidance and help me sort through my feelings.  

3.  Stay away from sin-- I would love to say that I avoid this at every cost, but I'm human.  As I said before, I stumble, I fall.  But I am able to notice where I am going wrong and repent for that.  It might sometimes take me awhile, but I think I'm getting better with it.

Lastly Stay alert and be on mission.  I think this is where I'm struggling.  What is my mission?  What is it God made me to do?  I'm really having a hard time with that.  I always thought it was to be the teacher I always dreamed of being, but with all the uncertainty of my job's future, I'm questioning that too.  

I guess I'm just confused right now.  I wouldn't say I'm hardened...I'm just really unsure of what I'm supposed to do.  As I type these words I feel a little mid-life crisissy here, but I'm serious.  I just want to do God's will in my life and right now, I'm not so sure what that means for me.  It's a little scary, but I will continue to pray, read the bible, stay close to friends, while trying my hardest to avoid sin and trust that he will direct me to what he wants my life to become.  That's about all I can do at this point.


Ashley said...

I appreciate your honesty. Praying that God would make each step clear for you on your journey!

Amber said...

Its so hard to know where God wants your journey to go until he shows you the path but I hope his path will become clear to you soon:)

Jennifer said...

This is a really honest and great post! I think it's normal to question God and ask why when you've been through so much. At least I know I did. I think when it becomes a problem is when you are not trusting Him at all and negative all the time. For a control freak like me it was hard to let go and let God have control of my life. But, I think when I finally did, I felt a sense of relief. Like, ok God, I know you have something truly wonderful planned for our family. Do your thing...no matter how long it takes, I'll trust YOU. I'll let you be in control.

I'm not saying that's when your baby will come to you. It didn't happen that way for us, but it gave me a sense of peace. I can't control what happens, only God can.
Sorry for rambling. Someday you will look back at all this and look at your baby and you won't mind the wait so much. You'll know why that wait was so important. :)