I'm doing better! I have talked with Jess about my feelings and I have had my real-life friends tell me that I should never have to go through this alone. It felt good to get it off my chest. I feel relieved and lighter. We haven't been to our counselor yet, we go next week. We'd been doing so well, we changed our appointments to every 3 weeks. So I know I'll be doing even better after talking with him.
I wanted to write from the heart on this post, so I apologize if this becomes a little raw. This is my prayer to God:
Father God, you are an amazing God and have blessed my life in so many ways. I could not even begin to list all the blessings and good things in my life. You are such a merciful and loving God and I know that you have an ulitmate plan for us. Please be there when I fall and remind me of your grace and love. I surrender to you and want nothing more than to be filled with your love and your spirit. I give you my bitterness and hurt over all the years of infertility and the pains of trying to start a family. They are yours, take it, take all of it. Please take my feelings of fear of the unknown. With you I know all things are possible. With you I know there is no reason for fear. I know that bitterness leads only to sorrow. Please take these feelings I have had and help me to look at the good in my life. I know that this journey is all in your hands and all in your timing. I give you my time tables, I give you my desires. I pray that you allow me to follow your plan and allow doors to open for us to help achieve your plan. I pray for that baby you have made for us. I pray that they grow healthy and know that they are loved more than is imaginable. Please be with me during this time. I love you and I trust you. All this I pray in your name. Amen!
3 comments:
Oh Michelle, I've been there! I was such a mess. God finally brought me to the alter when I heard a sermon. The preacher said that we put up yellow caution tape in our lives. We tell God, "You can do whatever you want with our lives! But if you cross this line, it will just be too far. Here are your boundries." I was sobbing at the alter when I realized that was ME! I had put up caution tape that said "God, you can do what you want with my life, but you must give me children. That is just a given. If you cross that line and choose to make me struggle, then that is just too far. You don't make most people struggle!" I heard God plan as day say "What if I want to get the glory? What if it's not about you? What if I have a different and bigger plan?" I was so broken and prayed a prayer so similar to yours. I held out my hands (literally) and gave God my family. And my "womb". And my ideas of what my life would be like.
And then the next day I did it again. And the next day I did it again...and so on until it was a few days until I needed to do it again. Then a few weeks. It has been a year and a half and I still need to do it on occation.
I promise you that it gets better, but you must go through the grieving process and allow yourself to fully feel your loss and morn it. Don't rush yourself through it.
Thank you for sharing that prayer Michelle, they are the words of my heart as well. I need to repeat them more, its hard to not fall into a state of frozen bitterness, and I don't want that. Thank you for sharing your courage to give it all over to God.
What a beautiful, honest prayer~ thanks for sharing! God will honor that.
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