Feb 24, 2011

Fun with Sarah and a VERY Personal Post

So, my "little" cousin Sarah is getting married. Well, she's not really little, she's actually taller than me and is 24 going on 25.  Gosh that makes me feel old!  But amazingly, she asked me her older cousin to stand up!  I was so touched!  

Yesterday we went to find the bridesmaid dresses together and had quite some fun.  I think she has made up her mind, now we just have to pick.  You see she has chosen 2 dresses and each bridesmaid gets to chose.  She's hoping 4 chose one and 3 chose the other.  Here are the two dresses.  They will both be in the dark chocolate color of the first one.

I like them both, but the second one is sooo nice!  I am hoping I get to chose that one.  I told her that if she is stuck I will do whichever because they both are beautiful, but I am soooo hoping I get to have the second one!  :0)

Okay, for the second part of my post, I want to put a little disclaimer.  I apologize if this is too graphic for some of you.  I seriously struggled with should I post this or not.  But after much thinking, I think many infertile women can relate to it, and isn't that the point of blogging.  Relating to others.  So again, take caution, as the rest of this might get a little too graphic, but I will try my best to keep it to the point...

So, here I go.  The other day Jesse was feeling a little frisky.  We began to "have fun" when he realized it wasn't ovulation time or an important baby making time.  Usually sex for us is a come on, it's time.  We do our usual thing and then I lay there for a bit.  However, since it wasn't an important baby making, critical time sexcapade, he asked if we could have a little foreplay.

I agreed, but only because of him.  While we were going through the motions, something that typically doesn't happen to me happened.  I actually "enjoyed" myself.  And soon after started bawling.  He wasn't so sure as to what to do with me since I was literally holding onto him and sobbing.  He asked what was wrong and when I was finally able to put words to my emotions, I burst out crying even harder saying, "I forgot that sex is supposed to be fun?!"

Throughout the last 6 years, sex has been a job.  It's been something we had to do to try to make a baby, it was something we had to do to feel close to each other.  It hasn't been something we do for pleasure.  (At least not from my point of view.)  It was very shocking to me that I had this reaction, but I began to think.  For so long, sex hasn't been fun.  When I have sex, I dread what I know is to come...no pregnancy, no excitement, and of course, no baby.  I think over the past 6 years, I have begun to dislike sex.  I mean, if you don't have sex, then the chances of disappointment can't happen, because you didn't do anything to even stir up the chance of a miracle.

I sometimes wonder if I'm crazy.  I mean, we have decided on adoption and we're in the process and I'm excited about it.  But, I still hold out this hope and count my days and track my ovulation, because, maybe.  Just maybe a miracle might occur.  

I tried to keep this post as clean as I could and vague as I could as to not offend anyone.  Please know that these are my feelings and I hope that by posting this, some other women will see that their feelings are normal.  Well, at least I hope I'm "normal!"  Thanks for listening!


Ashley said...

I love those dresses!
I know what you mean~ before we decided to go the adoption route, sex had become a "chore" to me as well. Once I decided I wasn't worried about getting pregnant anymore I could actually enjoy myself again. I know that God is in control and that if He wants me to get pregnant then it'll happen.

Megan said...

Both of those dresses are gorgeous!! =) Love the chocolate color!

I totally get that the fun has been taken out of sex. We go through ebbs and flows, peaks and valley's of having fun and then not so much. I completely understand not wanting to even try because you already know the outcome but at the same time having that hope still ingrained in your brain. You're not alone. And for what it's worth, I think you kept this pretty PC even though I don't think you needed to. ;0)

Hillary said...

You're definitely not alone about sex - me too, us too. Like pp we ebb and flow, but I definitely feel like IF has effected my ability to be emotionally and physically engaged many times. Glad you were able to enjoy yourself, and I am sure as you move past IF God will bring healing to this area of your life, as well.


Christina said...

Dresses - I think you will look great in both. But... I think the brown one is going to show off your Shelly O. arms better! JMO!

I have read that about sex not being fun because of what you mentioned. I think the fact that you are open and honest about it is great!!! I feel like I have read about exactly what you said somewhere else from someone else so you are definitely not the only one and now you have made someone else feel more comfortable with their feelings! And I'm glad you had fun!!! Hopefully that trend will continue ;-)

Courtney said...

That sounds perfectly normal to me. I'm praying that God blesses you with your sweet baby soon!

P.S. I know you will look amazing in either of those dresses! :-)

Daisy83808 (Lex) said...

You are NOT alone. Sometimes I wonder if our sex life will ever fully recover. Once we got E, it was already tough with a baby. But to make matters worse, it was almost like we didn't "have to" so we just didn't. It was almost like we were both tired of the charade and going through the motions. We were tired of being forced to when we weren't in the mood. Of being 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. We are trying so hard to build it back up. We are praying for healing in this area! To make it worse, we now don't want to get pg b/c of little J in Korea. We want to bring him home. Which makes sex even more complicated.

Dana said...

I know what you mean and you are soo normal :D I think u worded everything very well!!! And I love both of those dresses, super cute!!!!!! You will look beautiful in either of them!!