Doing Better

Well, I made it!  I wouldn't say the birthday was a "success," but I made it.  Jesse was so supportive, it was great.

Last Saturday we had a birthday party for our friend's 2 daughters.  It was pretty hard to get through.  We were the only ones there without children.  I was shocked because I didn't know a couple friend (more of a friend of a friend) had a baby.  It was just tough. After that, Jesse and I went to a comedy show together.  We did our best to just have a good time together and forget that we are childless.

My actual birthday was okay.  It's amazing how many birthday wishes you get from people on fb.  It really made me feel good.  My work friends helped me get through it.  Later that evening we went to my favorite restaurant with my dad and Jesse's sisters.  Everyone is coming over tomorrow for dinner and to celebrate it together.

I'm just really hoping this is the last birthday I feel so down in the dumps...it's no fun!!

Birthdays and Infertility Just Don't Mix!

I used to be one of those obnoxious people who would start counting down my birthday 6 months before the BIG event.  My birthday turned into a birthday week and I LOVED feeling special and always wanted to celebrate.

Something changed when infertility stepped into my life.  The countdown has gotten shorter and shorter and forget celebrating for a week.  I'd rather hide under a rock and forget the whole day exists.  Why?  Well, every birthday to me isn't so much a celebration of the year or the excitement of what's to come.  To me, it's become one more year.  One more year of trying, one more year of hoping, one more year of fooling myself that next year will be different.

I wish so bad that I could stop these feelings, but I really can't.  It's sad.  It hurts and honestly, it freakin sucks!

I'm going to be 32 on Monday.  3-2, 32.  Do you know what I pictured for myself at 32?! Not this.  Last year, I even had the hope that with our adoption process started and finishing up our home study, there was NO doubt in my mind that September 19, 2011 would be the one that was what I always hoped for.  But, no.

I just feel like everything I have hoped for and everything I have wanted just happens to other people and will never happen for me.  So many people don't even realize the gift they have been given when they have a baby.  I would do anything for it.

I know we have a lot going for us and, hopefully, in January or February we will be going through our FET.  But, I just feel like, something will go wrong, something will fall through, it somehow won't work out.  That's just what happens to us!

I'm trying to turn my spirits around, but it's really hard not to turn 32 and know that you have been trying for 7 years and you're still waiting.  I feel like God may have forgotten about me.

Sorry to be such a downer, but I just needed to get this out.  Thanks for listening.

Healing and Dealing

Faith does not eliminate problems.  Faith keeps you in a trusting relationship with God in the midst of your problems.  ~Henry Blackaby

This quote really spoke to me yesterday during my quiet time in the morning.  What we've been through in the last week has been tough.  It was beyond hard loving on that child and not knowing if he would be ours.  It was even harder praying for God's will to be done.  We prayed that if he was to be our son that God opened the doors that we needed to open- the loan from the bank and getting the time off from work.  Both of those doors stayed locked and wouldn't budge.  Jesse and I tried to pound them down, but they remained closed.

We wanted that baby more than anything, but I feel that saying that we would take that child would have been the easier choice.  It was everything we ever wanted at our fingertips, but instead of acting on our wants, we prayed about it and felt that God was telling us this isn't it.

It was not all about the money.  Yes, that was a factor, but it was more of what we felt God saying to us.  We won't ever know why we went through that week.  Maybe it was because on Saturday I had a valley day.  I was upset my period was a day late and was crying that I didn't understand why we had to go through all of this.  Jesse said I just wish we could have a sign.  Jesse feels this was our "sign."  You're on the right path,  keep going.

I think it had more to do with bringing Jesse and I closer together and also closer to Him.  I have surrendered my desire to have a baby many times.  Mostly doing it because I knew I had to, but, I guess, not ultimately doing it for the "right" reasons.  As of today, I officially surrender all my fears, anxieties, timelines and wishes to God.  It has nothing to do with me.  He already has a plan for us and we just have to follow it.  This week made my faith in Him stronger than I've ever had.

I'm okay with what happened because I feel we truly listened to God and followed His direction and it feels good.  Am I mad about my district not getting back to me til yesterday?  Yep!  Am I mad that we didn't have the loan figured out?  You bet!  But, we're getting that worked out now.  We learned from it and I've been praying everyday for that little baby boy that I got the pleasure to love on for 5 days.  I probably won't ever know what will happen to him or how he's doing, but for those few days I was a Mom and know that however our baby comes, that baby will be loved and cared for beyond my wildest dreams.

I trust God has a plan.  I am willing to follow Him.  I no longer care about my desires for our baby, but want the baby He has picked out for us.  I have faith that it will happen.