May 9, 2011

Loved? Not So Sure...

I've been rumbling with this post for a long time.  I knew how I felt in my heart, but couldn't express the words to make it coherent.  I hope that I am able to do that.  I know my words might offend some people.  That is not my intention.  These are my true feelings and I'm hoping some of you stronger Christians can walk me through this.

I have struggled with my faith for a long time.  Being raised Catholic (I'm just speaking from my experience) I was taught, you go to church, you follow the rules, you pray, you ask for forgiveness and try to be your best everyday.  That makes a good Catholic and good things will happen.

Along my journey I learned that this wasn't the true case.  Faith wasn't a follow the rules and good things will happen to you kind of thing.  Faith is having a relationship with God daily and knowing God is there.  I slowly, very slowly, began to see my faith bloom.  I researched my doubts and I came up with God is real, Jesus is real.

I also learned that being a Christian and praying and repenting doesn't mean that good things happen all the time.  Because of this, I tried to embrace our infertility as a "blessing."  And, for the most part, I did.  I knew that it is what brought Jesse and me closer, it, ironically enough, saved our marriage.  It helped me search for my faith and in turn, brought Jesse to Christ.  These are amazing things.  My thoughts went from believe?  To BELIEVE!

I began to spend morning time alone with God asking him what I should do, how to get through all the pain.  I asked him to make his intentions known to me and I swear I heard him say adopt!  I felt like he was clobbering me with adopt!  So, as much as I didn't want to, I began to obey.  We looked into it, we researched it, we signed with an agency that we both felt was right for us.  I thought that because I listened, He would provide.

Now, I know it hasn't been THAT long.  Six months since we've been official, but I honestly thought that because God was telling me/us to adopt, it would just happen.  You all have heard of the stories of the couples that turned in their paperwork and literally a month later, had a baby.  I thought that would be us!  I had the faith and the belief that God would provide.

As the months and years drag on, I'm doubting God's love for me.  Does he love me?  I'm not so sure?  I feel like I am trying my best to follow him.  I have given up some of MY issues.  I don't even care if I get pregnant anymore.  Would it be nice?  Yes.  Is it everything to me?  No.  Do I want to be a Mom to a baby?  YES!  That's all I want.  I don't feel like I'm asking for a lot here.  I've given up dreams that meant a lot to me.  I don't think I could ever give up the dream of being a Mom.

Jesse asked me last night, if it never happens, would I be enough.  I love him with all my heart, he is my best friend, my soulmate, my lover, my everything.  I love my life with him, but how can he fill the hole in my heart that only being a mom can fill?  I don't know...As I type this I know that only God can fill that hole, but how?

I know it's all about his timing...Geez, that's the name of my blog.  It's just I'm beginning to doubt his love.  I feel like I have changed and done a lot to work on my heart, my intentions and my issues and I feel like he doesn't care!

I'm beginning to question everything.  Was God really telling me to adopt?  Should we pursue embryo again?  Should I just give up?  And how do I give up my dreams of being a Mom?  Is God telling me that I would be a horrible Mom?  I have no idea.  I'm very saddened.  I believe with all my heart that he is there, he listens, he provides, he can do anything.  But I really don't know if he loves me!  Isn't that sad?


twondra said...

Oh honey. I don't have the answers and I wish I did. I thank you soooo much for posting this. I feel like I could write it myself. Sooooo many of those feelings I feel, so many. Thank you for writing your true feelings. I know this doesn't help you and I wish I could think of something to say. But, typing this has helped me sooooo much. I hope that helps you a little.

Always here for you. If you need to talk, vent, scream, cry, yell, whatever. I'm just an email away and I can give you my phone number. ((HUGS))

Kami said...

OK sweet thing. Do I need to come and kidnap you for a day? Man, do I remember having those same feelings. I will never forget how I felt when I heard those words, "You may never be able to have your own children". I was crushed! But I didn't give up. I kept going and He did provide. So. I am going to message you on FB. DO NOT give up. He loves you more than you will ever know.

Adopt? Maybe, IVF? Maybe, Donor embryo's?, Maybe? Natural surprise?, Maybe. Only HE knows. We are just here for the ride.

You are a strong woman of faith. I believe in you. I BELIEVE in YOU! You will get through this. You will be fine and you WILL be happy. God has amazing plans for you.

I love you with all my heart.


Ashley said...

I don't know what God's plan is for you but what I do know is that Satan hits where we're the weakest and that he hates adoption. He will do everything in his power to deter you away from it and to doubt God's love for you. Don't give in to it! Stay in God's Word and keep praying. He will guide you step by step. The waiting is the hardest part but your faith will be strengthened by it and you will be a great example to others who are experiencing the same thing. And it will be SO worth the wait! Praying for you!!

amelia said...

Hi,I just stumbled on your blog, and saw this beautiful post. Most of the time I question the same thing, especially when things get hard, and boy the waiting...unbearable. No, it's not a sad situation for not knowing whether we are loved or not by The Creator, we human often times just need a little reminder :)

Does Jesus love you? the answer is...YES!!! Look at the crucifix, and there we can see how much He loves us. Does His plans always make sense to us? more often than not...NO!!but remember, HE who is The Almighty can see the whole picture.

Being raised Catholic, I'm sure you're familiar with Rosary, If I may suggest, when your heart feels heavy, pray The Sorrowful mystery.

We waited for 1 1/2 years to get "The Call" when we did, we waited 2 crucifying months for us to bring our baby boy home. During those 2 whole months, we were in agony. The only prayer I could pray well, was the Sorrowful Mystery. with tears running down like crazy, I opened my heart for Him to see, nothing to hide, I gave to Him my whole me, the good and the bad, no mask no barrier between us.

When He was in the garden, I placed myself with Him in the garden, I felt my fear of not knowing, the fear of getting hurt, and
I knew, He felt the far more worst fear in the garden, and He consoled me in the garden.

When He was whipped, I could feel hurt in my heart from this adoption situation, and He felt hurt physically and spiritually worst than the hurt I felt.

When He was crowned with thorns, He consoled me and made me understand, my pride of wanting to be in control and impatient is actually the thorns on His head. Who is the actually King and have control over things? Him or I?

When He carried His cross, I found great consolation, knowing that He understands the cross that I was carrying at that time, and I pictured myself carrying my cross besides Him.

When He died, I lost it, I just put myself there, and the foot at His cross.

No, it didn't take the pain and hurt away, it made the pain and hurt more bearable.

No, by going to Church, follow rules, pray, and try your best doesn't make a person a good Catholic and good things happen. I just found out myself about that after 30 something being a Catholic. It's about embracing the cross and walk with Him. Didn't He say so, 'pick up your cross and follow Me?' Catholics get the graces and strengths that they need to carry their crosses through the sacraments that we get from the Church.

So sorry for this rambling, I could see myself in your post today, If you ever need someone to talk to, you can e-mail me. I know I'm a stranger, but hey, we can get to know each other :) I hope you'll be able to know His will through your encounter with Him in prayers.

Kristen said...

Thank you for posting this. I feel the exact same way. In fact, I'm sure that most of us going through the infertility journey feel this way at some point in time. Glad that I am not the only one who has felt this. Stay strong.

Our Journey said...

My goodness, do I remember feeling this way... It's not until now...10 years of infertility, 1 IVF, 2 FET's, 3 miscarriages and the death of my daughter that I feel like God never left me. He gave me this gift, my son, at his perfect time and it was through adoption...something I was against.
Satan is here to attack and steal your joy. Please don't let him.
I remember the day I was in my room crying out to God and telling Him to take the pain away...all of it. I told Him I was giving our journey over to Him because I could not deal with it anymore. I got on my knees and just gave it to him.
By the end of the day we had gotten the phone call telling us a birthmother had chosen us to parent her baby.
Our God is amazing! He hasn't forsaken you...He is with you! Just keep pressing into Him and even if you don't He won't ever leave you. Trust me, I know. I cursed Him, and I was so angry at Him, yet he still saw fit to send me the most perfect baby I could have ever asked for.
I am here for you. ((HUGS))

Stacey said...

Oh, sweet friend, He does love you! I wish I could peek into the future and see how He will work all of this out for you. I don't know what the future holds. I do, however, know that you can rest assured that He knows your heart, your pain, your fears, your insecurities, and He knows your hopes and dreams. He created you and He alone gets to see the big picture. He loves you so much that He sent His one and only Son to die for you. I know you know that, but it really meant something new to me to consider that truth after dealing with recurrent miscarriage. I wanted a child so badly -- one that I could love here on the earth in my lifetime, and I imagined how much God must have loved His own Son and all that He sacrificed all because He loves you and me. Our circumstances will never ever change that.

I know that it's easy to question that He loves us or cares about us when it seems that our prayers go unanswered. I certainly don't have it all figured out, but I have learned more than ever to trust Him. Even when our faith is tested, He remains just the same. We can count on His love and His grace even through our doubts.

I pray that you will be assured of that love now more than ever. I know that there's nothing easy about this situation and I'm so sorry that you're facing it. Sending lots of love your way and keeping you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Oh how I remember those same feelings about this time 2 years ago. God has a perfect timing for everything and I know that he will let you be a mommy when the timing is just perfect (as many people told us and how I hated to hear it!). Dont give up because I know that his timing is always perfect, not a minute too soon and not a minute too late.

Lots of hugs and prayers for you.

Shanae Branham said...

this is a powerful post. So much of truth and faith and life. So many questions I have wondered with myself throughout the years. So many questions that cannot be answered in this life. I am praying that you never lose your faith...that you always believe and that you make the most of your life. I am glad I stumbled across you today.

I am your newest follower.

Laura said...

Oh, honey if I could turn my journal back to that day I found out our first embryo transfer was unsuccessful, I'm pretty sure I'd find much of these same words in my prayers to God. I, too, grew up Catholic and later also realized the faith wasn't a go to church, be a good person, follow the rules and you will get to heaven kind of a thing. Unfortunatley, this is what we fall back on when things get tough. I fell into a "ok, you've done the work you wanted to do in my life, I have followed you, I've started a relationship with you, I've listened and given up on a biological child and I've followed your plan for embryo adoption. How can this not work?" But as I took a step back, I realized that suddenly I had reverted back to that Catholic way of thinking - I have done x, I have done y, I have done z - now its your turn to bless me! THat's hard, especially when x, y and z are all FOR him and in response to Him, we feel like He must bless us to show us He is there and is paying attention and cares.

I'd love to share my story with you if you are intersted in hearing it - I got up in front of my church after our first transfer failed and talked about how God was working in my life through my struggles. If you'd like a copy, please email me at and I'd be happy to email it to you.

Hang in there, girl. I know it isnt' the same to hear from someone on the other side, but as I held my sweet miracle baby last Sunday, I told God that if I had to do it all over again - 4 years of infertility and waiting and struggles, I would do it if it meant having my Makenna to hold in my arms.

Keep your eyes on Him and on the Cross and what He has done for you there. And keep your heart hoping and waiting for BIG things and BIG surprises that HE has already planned out for you:)


Family of five -in Sweden said...

Now your about to read the worst english ever, but where I live we have a song that I love and it is in swedish. I needed to translate it so that you can feal that God loves you, even when you cant feal it or doesn´t think you deserve it or if you don´t even have the strength so seek it. My blog is inactive, my mail works.

God, for You everything is clear, all that is hidden You can see.
The darkness isn´t dark for You and in that darkness You see me.
Heal my eyes so that I too can see, who You are in everything that happens.
When I really need You, thats when Your absolutely closest to me.
And when I nolonger have the strenght to walk in faith the road you want me to walk.
Hold my hand in Your strong hand and walk with me step by step to the land of life.
When ny thought is full of doubt and only faces difficulties, when I no longer have the strenght to fight, bless it with Your holy peace.
Your grace is two open arms and Your name ä delightfull harbour.
What You want is holyness, but You are mercyness.
Psalm 217 by E. Malmeström