Surprising My Brother

I was very blessed to have been able to fly down to Florida last week and surprise my brother for his graduation.  I was so scared my surprise wouldn't work and that he knew I was coming.  When we got to the door, my dad said, "Hey Chris, come out here, you have some crap on the floor out here!"

I'm so unbelievably proud of him.  He earned his Masters Degree in Entertainment Business from Full Sail University in Florida.  I flew down there on Wednesday, he graduated on Good Friday and I flew back late Saturday night to be back for Easter with Jesse.  It was a busy few days, but we had some fun!  Here are more pictures from my short visit. I can't wait for him to come home for a visit soon!!

Endurance

I've been struggling with this post for a little while now, so I hope that I'm able to do it justice and make my point.  I was reading this book entitled, What is God Waiting For?  Understanding Divine Delays in Your Life by Marlinda Ireland.  So far (I'm only in chapter 3) I am liking the book.  It has helped me to realize that God is hearing my prayers, but there are some things to consider.  There are Divine delays and Deserved delays.  The deserved delays have three categories: 1) LACK OF FAITH 2) foolish actions or 3) presumptuous thinking.

If you couldn't tell from my all capped out category...the one that I think is my fault is lack of faith.  Not all the time, but some days throughout this journey, I find myself doubting A LOT!  In the book it discussed living faith (we trust that God is both willing and able to answer our prayers) and saving faith (trust in the saving work of Jesus Christ).  My lack of faith stems from the first one.  I don't have the doubt that God is able to do these things, I have the doubt that he is willing.

Fast forward and the book talks more about endurance.  This struck with me because right now I am dealing with endurance in two aspects of my life.  One, is building my endurance to be able to finish the half marathon.  I am working on gaining the mileage to help me to succeed and finish strong.  The second, obviously, is my endurance in finishing this long race with infertility, and adoption.

Endurance is what we use to deal with the frustration and heartache of being in a delay.  Endurance, according to the book, is an aggressive, courageous attitude that is needed during the hard times of the delays God gives us.  It is also a mind set that rejects self-pity...Woooooaaaaahhhh!  Hold the brakes, what?!?  Yep, the book says that "endurance rules out discouragement no matter how hopeless the situation appears to be."

That struck with me.  How often do I become discouraged or disheartened along this battle?  LOTS!  God is working in me, for some reason, to build my endurance for all this pain I have dealt with along the way.  Who knows why?  Maybe it will help me to be a more understanding Mom?  Maybe it will prepare me for a job down the road?  Maybe it will help me to be a better wife to my amazing husband?  Whatever the reason God has chosen me to deal with this, He is telling me that I can get through it.  I will get through it.  Keep my faith, hold on tight, and keep running the race.  Eventually my faith and endurance will get me to the finish in both races in my life.  This post makes me think of the bible verse Timothy 4:7: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

How amazing that day will be when our little baby, wherever he or she may be, makes it home to his Mommy and Daddy.  This verse will be my verse!!  I'm holding on to my hope, keeping the faith, holding on to God for an amazing ride and putting my trust in Him.  He does have the power, He is able and He will answer my prayers one day. But it's not on my time...It's on His.  And until that day comes, I will be working on my endurance.  Some days will be easy, others not so much.  But I know I have a God that loves me.  How truly blessed am I?

Sorry...This Might be TMI, but I Need Help!!

At volleyball on Tuesday night, my friend who I am running the half marathon told me that she thought her "friend" might be visiting during the race.  I did some calculations and I think I ovulated today....With that being said, I'm scheduled to have my "friend" come either Friday night or Saturday.  Saturday as in RACE DAY!!  What do I do?!  Any suggestions???  UGh!

T-Minus 22 Days!

Back in January I got this bright idea to train for a half marathon.  I thought I need to challenge myself and give myself a goal to achieve while I'm in the midst of all this waiting.  Low and behold, my friend was wanting to do a half marathon and I uneasily agreed.  4 months we had to train.  I could do it!

Well, time is ticking and 4 months has quickly decreased to 3 weeks and 1 day!  That's right people, in 22 days I will be running a half marathon!!  HOLY SHMOLY!!  What the heck did I sign up for?!

We have been busily training along...except for my little stomach issue earlier this week, but I'm better!!  YAY!!  I have kept with the training all this week and tomorrow will be our longest run in the whole training (until the day of the actual race)...12 miles!!

My goal for the race is just to finish.  I would love to be under 2 hours, but this is my first (I don't know if there'll be more?!) race and I just want to finish.  I think it will be very emotional for me when I finish the race.  Lots of symbolism.  Lots of similarities with our journey.

I'll keep you updated!

Frozen Heart

I have been feeling a little ehhh  lately, and I have been really looking forward to the new series they have been talking about at church.  The series is called Thaw.  This week it talked about Thawing your heart towards God.  Next week is thawing your heart toward people and lastly thawing your heart toward the world.

This week has made me think, is my heart hardened?  Do I have a frozen heart?  I'm still not sure after I went to church, but I'm hoping by getting my feelings out, it will help me a little.  On Monday, I had a break down as you read in my last post.  Then on Wednesday, at small group, my friends asked how I was doing and I started to cry.  I don't think there's anything wrong with every now and then crying.  What we've been through and continue to go through is NOT easy.  I would NOT wish this on anyone.  It sucks!  It hurts and I don't understand it.

On the way home, Jesse and I got into a huge fight because he told me he doesn't like it when I'm upset and wishes I could change my outlook to a more positive outlook.  I understand that at the time, my outlook sucked, to put it bluntly.  But I don't wallow in that all the time.  It happens here or there.  I'm not stuck in the hold like I was before.  I will fall, I will stumble, I will hurt, and I think given all we are going through it's okay.  I think that I pick myself up a lot quicker than I ever did before.  I am able to see a silver lining in what we're going through.  But I still have emotions and I still wish it were all over.

So back to church...The pastor asked, "where is your heart?"  Here are some symptoms of a frozen, hardened heart: not praying, doubts, disobedient to God, Not listening or having trouble hearing God, grouchy, and short tempered.  Well, I hate to say it, but I have a lot of the "symptoms."  I do have my doubts at time.  I wonder if what we're doing is really what God has instructed us to do.  I, naively, thought I heard God telling us to adopt and I so immaturely thought once we get on the path God intends for us, poof! our dreams will come true.  That didn't happen.  It causes me to think, can I really hear God, does he really talk to me?  How can I be sure it's him?  So, it's not that I'm not listening to him, I'm not sure what in the world he's telling me?!  I thought adoption was what he wanted for us.  

Now, don't get me wrong, I know that our "adoption" journey has not been all that long.  We were official in November, and I know that the average adoption takes 18-24 months, I get all that.  I just thought once we followed where God was guiding, things would move along a little quicker.  Maybe I'm just really immature in my faith?  I don't know?

Then the last two symptoms: grouchy and short tempered.  Yep.  Check and check!  Mostly with my dear old hubby too.  I do have a lot on my plate right now.  Education isn't looking like it has the promising future I always believed I had with my job.  It's quite honestly terrifying.  I'm not sure what the future of my job will be and that scares the heck out of me.  I'm questioning whether or not we are doing what God wants us to do.  And I think all of that makes me act grouchy and short tempered.

The steps they recommended for making sure we have a thawed heart is to:

1.  Stay in God's word--  I try, for the most part, to start everyday in God's word.  I don't do this because I have to do it, I do it because I want to start my day off on the right foot, so to say, and get my head right for the day.

2.  Stay close to a friend-- I have a few friends that I can be truly and honestly me to and I know that they won't judge me, but will pray for me and support me.  These are my accountability friends.  They keep me accountable to follow God's guidance and help me sort through my feelings.  

3.  Stay away from sin-- I would love to say that I avoid this at every cost, but I'm human.  As I said before, I stumble, I fall.  But I am able to notice where I am going wrong and repent for that.  It might sometimes take me awhile, but I think I'm getting better with it.

Lastly Stay alert and be on mission.  I think this is where I'm struggling.  What is my mission?  What is it God made me to do?  I'm really having a hard time with that.  I always thought it was to be the teacher I always dreamed of being, but with all the uncertainty of my job's future, I'm questioning that too.  

I guess I'm just confused right now.  I wouldn't say I'm hardened...I'm just really unsure of what I'm supposed to do.  As I type these words I feel a little mid-life crisissy here, but I'm serious.  I just want to do God's will in my life and right now, I'm not so sure what that means for me.  It's a little scary, but I will continue to pray, read the bible, stay close to friends, while trying my hardest to avoid sin and trust that he will direct me to what he wants my life to become.  That's about all I can do at this point.