Fun with Sarah and a VERY Personal Post

So, my "little" cousin Sarah is getting married. Well, she's not really little, she's actually taller than me and is 24 going on 25.  Gosh that makes me feel old!  But amazingly, she asked me her older cousin to stand up!  I was so touched!  

Yesterday we went to find the bridesmaid dresses together and had quite some fun.  I think she has made up her mind, now we just have to pick.  You see she has chosen 2 dresses and each bridesmaid gets to chose.  She's hoping 4 chose one and 3 chose the other.  Here are the two dresses.  They will both be in the dark chocolate color of the first one.

I like them both, but the second one is sooo nice!  I am hoping I get to chose that one.  I told her that if she is stuck I will do whichever because they both are beautiful, but I am soooo hoping I get to have the second one!  :0)
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Okay, for the second part of my post, I want to put a little disclaimer.  I apologize if this is too graphic for some of you.  I seriously struggled with should I post this or not.  But after much thinking, I think many infertile women can relate to it, and isn't that the point of blogging.  Relating to others.  So again, take caution, as the rest of this might get a little too graphic, but I will try my best to keep it to the point...

So, here I go.  The other day Jesse was feeling a little frisky.  We began to "have fun" when he realized it wasn't ovulation time or an important baby making time.  Usually sex for us is a come on, it's time.  We do our usual thing and then I lay there for a bit.  However, since it wasn't an important baby making, critical time sexcapade, he asked if we could have a little foreplay.

I agreed, but only because of him.  While we were going through the motions, something that typically doesn't happen to me happened.  I actually "enjoyed" myself.  And soon after started bawling.  He wasn't so sure as to what to do with me since I was literally holding onto him and sobbing.  He asked what was wrong and when I was finally able to put words to my emotions, I burst out crying even harder saying, "I forgot that sex is supposed to be fun?!"

Throughout the last 6 years, sex has been a job.  It's been something we had to do to try to make a baby, it was something we had to do to feel close to each other.  It hasn't been something we do for pleasure.  (At least not from my point of view.)  It was very shocking to me that I had this reaction, but I began to think.  For so long, sex hasn't been fun.  When I have sex, I dread what I know is to come...no pregnancy, no excitement, and of course, no baby.  I think over the past 6 years, I have begun to dislike sex.  I mean, if you don't have sex, then the chances of disappointment can't happen, because you didn't do anything to even stir up the chance of a miracle.

I sometimes wonder if I'm crazy.  I mean, we have decided on adoption and we're in the process and I'm excited about it.  But, I still hold out this hope and count my days and track my ovulation, because, maybe.  Just maybe a miracle might occur.  

I tried to keep this post as clean as I could and vague as I could as to not offend anyone.  Please know that these are my feelings and I hope that by posting this, some other women will see that their feelings are normal.  Well, at least I hope I'm "normal!"  Thanks for listening!

So Be It...

So I feel much better.  I am not going to post anything (although if anyone does know how to do a private post, please let me know!).  I prayed about it, prayed for the people and prayed for myself to not let people get to me.

I've learned throughout all of this infertility, adoption and heartache along the way that some people just don't have what it takes and so be it.  Some people are so wrapped up in their own lives, they don't take two seconds to think about others, so be it.  Some people don't even realize the words they say are hurtful and rude.  I can't say so be it to that.  That's where my faith in God comes in.  I pray that those people will learn how to tame their tongues and realize that the words they say do matter to the people hearing them.  I pray that God works His way into their lives to give them a chance to see the good in life.

However, if they do come into contact with God and still chose not to accept it, so be it.  I can only live my life and do my part through prayer.  The rest is ultimately up to God and they have the choice to accept Him or live their life the way they know.

I'm so glad I chose to live my life accepting God.  I obviously have my times when I stumble, take some steps backward or fall flat on my face.  But that's life.  We are all broken.  It's what you do in those moments that allow you pick up the pieces and move forward.  In the past, when I was feeling like I was yesterday morning, I would sit and stew all day in my nasty feelings.  I would feel validated for feeling the way I do.  However, as I entered church yesterday morning, I began praying for these feelings to be released.  I spoke to a friend and asked for her support.  I prayed with another friend for MY bitterness and anger to be lifted up.

I NEVER would've done that in the past.  After all, the reason I was feeling that way was because ________ MADE me feel that way.  I'm so glad that I made the choice to change my outlook.  I'm not saying all the feelings are gone.  I have to work at it, but I also have realized that Jesse and I are on the right path, we are doing all we can and whatever issue ________ has, it's on them.  They have the choice.  I would LOVE for them to come into a relationship with God and see what a change it can make in their lives, but ultimately, it's not my choice.  I will continue to pray for them and myself, but it's in God's hands.  They have the choice, what they decide to do with it is up to them...so be it!

How RUDE!

Oh my gosh!  Some people NEVER cease to amaze me!  That's all I can say about this right now.  I'm going to try to post a private message later.  Does anyone know if that's possible?  But seriously, I need some time to calm down.  Some people are so classless, selfish, self-centered and obnoxious! 

Take It...Just Take It!

First of all I want to start by saying that I love each of you so much!  Thank you for all your loving, supportive and encouraging comments!  They helped so much.  I honestly don't know how anyone could walk this journey without the support you have all shown me.  I'm just blessed to have each one of you in my life.  It's amazing to me that women who have never met face to face, who live from one coast to the other, have such a strong bond that is unbreakable.  It's nice to know that when I fall, there are many of you there to lift me up.  Thanks, from the bottom of my heart, thanks!

I'm doing better!  I have talked with Jess about my feelings and I have had my real-life friends tell me that I should never have to go through this alone.  It felt good to get it off my chest.  I feel relieved and lighter.  We haven't been to our counselor yet, we go next week.  We'd been doing so well, we changed our appointments to every 3 weeks.  So I know I'll be doing even better after talking with him.

I wanted to write from the heart on this post, so I apologize if this becomes a little raw.  This is my prayer to God:

Father God, you are an amazing God and have blessed my life in so many ways.  I could not even begin to list all the blessings and good things in my life.  You are such a merciful and loving God and I know that you have an ulitmate plan for us.  Please be there when I fall and remind me of your grace and love.  I surrender to you and want nothing more than to be filled with your love and your spirit.  I give you my bitterness and hurt over all the years of infertility and the pains of trying to start a family.  They are yours, take it, take all of it.  Please take my feelings of fear of the unknown.  With you I know all things are possible.  With you I know there is no reason for fear.   I know that bitterness leads only to sorrow.  Please take these feelings I have had and help me to look at the good in my life.  I know that this journey is all in your hands and all in your timing.  I give you my time tables, I give you my desires.  I pray that you allow me to follow your plan and allow doors to open for us to help achieve your plan.  I pray for that baby you have made for us.  I pray that they grow healthy and know that they are loved more than is imaginable.  Please be with me during this time.  I love you and I trust you.  All this I pray in your name.  Amen!

Not Doing Well!

Hi guys!  I need your help.  I am not doing well at all.  For about the last 3 weeks or so, I have noticed I don't have any patience with anyone: Jesse, students, friends.  Everyone is getting on my nerves!  I have been praying, but I feel like I am in a hole.

I had a breakdown last night while watching one of my favorite shows, One Tree Hill.  When I saw the pregnant Hailey, I started sobbing uncontrollably.  I kept pleading, "when?  when?  when?"  I am so sad right now.  I feel like there's nothing I can do.  I feel like a twig ready to snap. 

I know in my heart, God has a plan.  I trust in Him so very much.  I know he provides all things, including miracles.  While reading the bible today, it said that if you have prayers that aren't answered, maybe you are not obeying God. 

I don't know what else to do here.  I have considered changing some things on our adoption profile.  But Jesse and I aren't sure. 

I am so sad right now.  I feel helpless.  I feel like it will never happen.  I feel very low!