Jul 19, 2010

Time Warp...AHHHHH!

So, I regressed. I suppose along everyone's infertility struggle, there are set backs and steps backward. Today was one of those days for me. I don't know where it came from, but it happened nonetheless.

I just found out today that a couple who was married shortly after Jesse and I and who also experienced infertility is pregnant. I should be happy that a fellow infertile couple is now on the other side, right?! You would hope so, but not so much! I called Jesse and said, "Are you busy? I'm upset...So and so are pregnant!" And then came the waterworks. I have not cried for this reason or about our situation like this in a LONG time. I was crying so hard that I was heaving for breaths. Jess asked me why I was so upset? Was it that they were pregnant? Was it because I think the husband is a low-life tool who I know has cheated on his wife?

The answer is all of the above. I hate to say that I was upset that she was pregnant but I am feeling very bad for myself. It seems like lately a lot of people have been achieving the desired dream. I feel like God is punishing me. Why can't he just bless us with a baby of our own? Why do we have to continue to go through all this pain?

The answer is I don't know...I don't know why, I don't know when this will end, I don't know if it will end. The only thing I do know is that after I hung up with Jesse and was majorly mad at him for just not letting me feel the way I was feeling. (He of course reminded me of all the positives that are going on and will continue to go on. He did express desire for me not to feel that way, as it seems I'm feeling like I did years ago.) I was mad at him and before I would have hung up and continued to wallow in my self-pity. However, the next step I took was not the same as the one I would've taken years ago. Instead, I went in the other room, sobbed some more and just wailed, "WHY?!" but when I was done, I grabbed my bible and began reading. I then prayed for this feeling to be taken away from me and I said I was sorry for the pity party I was throwing for myself.

I wish I could say the hurt is completely gone, I have faith it will, but I also have faith that God is preparing me and our little baby, wherever he/she may be for one heck of a journey.

I think it's okay to have set backs, if you didn't, you couldn't see how far you've come. I do sometimes wonder, and doubt when our dreams will come true, but then I turn that to look at my faith and belief that God hears our cries and is working on something far greater than I could ever imagine or know.


Anita said...

I'm right there with you somedays myself!

At times, it is hard to believe that it will all happen someday, but keep your faith & it will all work out somehow...it'd just be nice to know when, right? ;)

Meant to be a mom said...

I'm so sorry you were so upset and that the news was hard to hear. I don't blame you. Sometimes you just have to break down and build yourself back up.


twondra said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. You make me feel normal...I've had those moments myself. I'm always here for you!!!

valerie said...

Sorry you feel this way. I just started following your blog. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one on this planet who feels this way.
It is probably part of the roller coaster we're in. It comes...., and is (luckily) goes. But then it comes back. And during those days, it's ok to feel sorry for yourself and feel bad.

Hang in there...

Jennifer said...

I think it's totally normal to have setbacks and have these feelings. My husband never felt like that when I would cry about others being pregnant. It wasn't that I wanted them to struggle like we did, I just wanted us NOT to struggle. I wanted what they had. It was jealousy on my part. I wanted it to be easy for us. That's normal. I'm just sorry you have to experience it. Good for you for not letting it take over though. That's a good thing!

Iam veRONIque said...

Good day! I just want you to know that like me their are people who understands what your going through. As I read your post I get inspiration and courage that somehow I am not alone in this battle. I maybe far away yet your simple writings reaches my heart and rekindle my spirit. I really understand what your going through, working in a hospital; everyday I see woman pregnant or happily holding their babies. The hard part is people around us are somewhat pressuring me with questions why am I not still pregnant. And those are the people who I don't even really know that well. They seems to invade my life, they don't know how hard already it is that I am going through this battle. Gossips and criticism are what they make. I envy those friends posting in their facebook that their pregnant for just a short period after their marriage and I am still not. But somehow reading yours and other pcos woman's blog I gained strength and inspiration knowing that there are people who understand me. Go on doing what makes you happy and strong for I will be praying for your faith and strength. Have a blessed days to come and thank you for making this blog for it reaches people even oceans apart. :D

Megan said...

That is so hard. I'm so sorry!! =( I think it's ok to have pity parties every now and then though. I don't think we'd be human without them. (((HUGS)))

(It looks like you're supposed to have a background picture but there's a photobucket image there saying it's been moved or deleted. Just thought I'd mention it in case you didn't know. =))

Stacey said...

Oh Michelle. I hope that hearing "I understand" from me right now doesn't make it even more crappy. I just want you to know that I know those feeling all too well. I remember when a couple we'd been in the same boat with for years called to tell us they were expecting. I was so glad I was in the shower and my husband had taken the call. I freaked out. I cried. I asked why. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. And I HATED feeling that way!

They went on to have two more children in the next couple of years while we still struggled. I got over my feelings and was happy for them, but the worst part was feeling forgotten by someone who was supposed to know how hard it was to wait. Suddenly it was just "my problem" and not "our problem" and that was tough. I still don't think I'm quite over that.

I'm so sorry that these hard days and setbacks come. You are definitely not alone in feeling this way! It's okay to have bad days and let all those feelings out. I love your faith and your outlook that you display in your last paragraph. God hasn't forgotten you, and He is working even when we can't see it. I'm believing that He has big things ahead for you, friend. Don't give up!