So the last few weeks have been pretty crazy. We had something going everyday for the past two weeks...LITERALLY. Not kidding! Thank goodness that's all over with. We made it. Conferences done, stress done. Time for the holidays. Can you believe it? Yikes, I'm not ready!
We have spent the last two months really soul searching and trying to find the answer to our infertility question. This was a huge part of my hiatus. (Hopefully I still have my blogger friends!) I needed some time away to really soul search and find the answer that was right for us. I knew reading your blogs would sway me and I needed this decision to be our pure decision for the two of us. I've known what we should do since back in July, but didn't want to come to terms with it. I needed some time to deal with the decision and make sure it was what I truly wanted.
I went with my mom up north in August, and that was really where I felt God telling me that adoption was our answer. It was a hard answer to hear. I didn't want to hear that at first. I wanted to hear, it'll happen or give IVF a try, but I can't deny what I feel God speaking to me. I have this overwhelming sense that this is what we are supposed to do. I know some people won't understand since we haven't 100% tried any fertility "options." But all I can say is this is totally what I feel we're meant to do.
We considered the donor route and the decision I came to was...IF (big IF there) God were to EVER bless us with our OWN baby, we would never experience that. Adoption allows us to be "open" to God's miracles. I know that might sound crazy, but I truly feel God will provide. I just have to obey. That's the hard part, obeying when you feel your answers are the best. Well, let's be real, MY answers haven't got me anywhere but heart broken and angry. I have no other options than to try this one!
My counselor summed it up perfectly one day when I was feeling very woe is me and crying for the pregnancy I may never have. What's your ultimate goal? To have a baby or to be pregnant? My ultimate goal in life is to be a mommy. Does it really matter if my baby comes from my uterus or someone else's? Really, truly? No, what matters the most is my baby coming home to be with her Mommy and Daddy and two fur-sibs! That's all that matters. Really life is too short to worry about the little things and although I know pregnancy is a NOT a little thing. In the grand scheme of life, all I want to be is a mom. My baby (wherever they are) will be loved unconditionally and really know what it feels like to be wanted and cared for.
That's about all we are in our decision making. We have a few agencies and one that we're really leaning towards. I just have to make a few calls to meet with some people and really get the ball rolling. I'm excited to start this next chapter of our lives and I'm even more excited to put infertility away. I don't think it will go away forever. It will be a beast that I'll be fighting for the rest of my baby making years, I'm sure. But I'm done being the victim and I'm ready to live my life the way I feel God is pushing me! Thanks for listening. I'm really back and I hope you're still there to support me! LOVE YOU!
Nov 29, 2009
Nov 9, 2009
Hi Ya GALS!
I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. I've been so crazy busy with work and I don't know why?! I have so much to talk about and so much to tell (nothing on the baby front). So much has been happening, yet I feel like it's nothing at all. I wanted to say hi and I haven't forgotten about you guys! I'll be posting some updates with some pics and other cool things. I hope you guys haven't forgotten about me. It's going to take me days to catch up on what's going on with all of you! I'll be in touch soon! Love you!!
Sep 19, 2009
Fear, what Fear?
I posted a couple weeks back that for our first day of work, our principal took us to Camp Tamarack. This camp is geared for encouraging teamwork and cooperation. The sixth grade students always go to promote this. All of us were not looking forward to this professional development day. Ironically, we all would have preferred sitting in the media center listening to our principal yak on and on about the changes for the year.
It's not like I had a bad attitude about it, but I just thought it was lame. I mean, we're all adults, do we REALLY need this?! But, like I said, I had a smile on my face and decided my attitude was half the battle. So, we all went and our first "challenge" was to get our group across a Chocolate River (imaginary) on graham crackers (aka small pieces of wood.) The trick was the graham crackers had to have human contact at all times. If Drew (the very good looking director) noticed a piece without contact, it floated down the river. (Surprisingly we all were doing well with using our imaginations and going with the flow!! ha ha) ANYWAY... We all made it across by holding hands, supporting each other and talking with each other.
Our next challenge was we were all pirates and had to get off our sinking ship without talking. We could only talk in a certain spot and it could only be a whisper because other ships would be attacking us and they might hear us. Thank goodness, we all made it to safety again. This one was fun because we got to swing across on a rope! :)
Then after lunch, we walked over to the TANGO TOWER. It was terrifying! This thing was enormous and I, my friends, am TERRIFIED of heights. So you can just imagine my reaction when I was faced with my Nemesis, the Tango Tower.
My friend (also afraid of heights) and I decided we would do the ropes first, before anyone else. We figured we'd get it over with before we watched others and freaked ourselves out even more. I went first and I waited for my friend. Big mistake. I was shaking like a leaf and by the time I actually started climbing, I had barely any strength. When I got to the cargo part, I had nothing left, I couldn't do it. At this point, I started realizing this climb was like my climb in IF. I kept praying for God to give me strength to make it to the top, but I just had nothing left. I told the group I was coming down. I got to the bottom, arms and legs both shaking extremely PISSED! I couldn't do it.
I didn't show how upset I was. Instead I cheered other people on watching some of them make it and some of them go only as far as they were comfortable. While I was doing this, I still saw the parallel. When I couldn't deal anymore with IF, I was still supporting my blogger friends who were going about their "climb" at their own pace and satisfied with their own outcome.
After a little while, I asked if I could try it again. This time my competitiveness and stubbornness said, you aren't coming down until you touch the top of that damn tower.
Again, shaking with all my might, I got back on the ropes. This time I paced myself better, knowing what to expect. I didn't look down or back, I kept my sight upward and on my goal. I went at a pace I was comfortable, talking to myself and God along the way. I am happy to say I made it that time and I touched the top of that awful tower.
When I was coming down this time, I was ecstatic. I not only had conquered my fear of heights, but I knew in my heart that God wouldn't let me down. I might not have a baby the way that I had originally wanted or planned, my climb would be my own. But, eventually, by looking forward, not back, I will reach my goal and be satisfied and proud of myself for not giving up!
I find it very humorous that a day I thought was going to be lame and a waste, turned out to be a day I not only learned a lot about myself, but also gave me more hope in this ugly battle we call infertility. I love this picture. I did it AND I know now I can do anything I set my mind to by keeping my eye on the goal, not looking back and always looking up for guidance and support. Fear, what fear?
It's not like I had a bad attitude about it, but I just thought it was lame. I mean, we're all adults, do we REALLY need this?! But, like I said, I had a smile on my face and decided my attitude was half the battle. So, we all went and our first "challenge" was to get our group across a Chocolate River (imaginary) on graham crackers (aka small pieces of wood.) The trick was the graham crackers had to have human contact at all times. If Drew (the very good looking director) noticed a piece without contact, it floated down the river. (Surprisingly we all were doing well with using our imaginations and going with the flow!! ha ha) ANYWAY... We all made it across by holding hands, supporting each other and talking with each other.
Our next challenge was we were all pirates and had to get off our sinking ship without talking. We could only talk in a certain spot and it could only be a whisper because other ships would be attacking us and they might hear us. Thank goodness, we all made it to safety again. This one was fun because we got to swing across on a rope! :)
Then after lunch, we walked over to the TANGO TOWER. It was terrifying! This thing was enormous and I, my friends, am TERRIFIED of heights. So you can just imagine my reaction when I was faced with my Nemesis, the Tango Tower.
My friend (also afraid of heights) and I decided we would do the ropes first, before anyone else. We figured we'd get it over with before we watched others and freaked ourselves out even more. I went first and I waited for my friend. Big mistake. I was shaking like a leaf and by the time I actually started climbing, I had barely any strength. When I got to the cargo part, I had nothing left, I couldn't do it. At this point, I started realizing this climb was like my climb in IF. I kept praying for God to give me strength to make it to the top, but I just had nothing left. I told the group I was coming down. I got to the bottom, arms and legs both shaking extremely PISSED! I couldn't do it.
I didn't show how upset I was. Instead I cheered other people on watching some of them make it and some of them go only as far as they were comfortable. While I was doing this, I still saw the parallel. When I couldn't deal anymore with IF, I was still supporting my blogger friends who were going about their "climb" at their own pace and satisfied with their own outcome.
After a little while, I asked if I could try it again. This time my competitiveness and stubbornness said, you aren't coming down until you touch the top of that damn tower.
Again, shaking with all my might, I got back on the ropes. This time I paced myself better, knowing what to expect. I didn't look down or back, I kept my sight upward and on my goal. I went at a pace I was comfortable, talking to myself and God along the way. I am happy to say I made it that time and I touched the top of that awful tower.
When I was coming down this time, I was ecstatic. I not only had conquered my fear of heights, but I knew in my heart that God wouldn't let me down. I might not have a baby the way that I had originally wanted or planned, my climb would be my own. But, eventually, by looking forward, not back, I will reach my goal and be satisfied and proud of myself for not giving up!
I find it very humorous that a day I thought was going to be lame and a waste, turned out to be a day I not only learned a lot about myself, but also gave me more hope in this ugly battle we call infertility. I love this picture. I did it AND I know now I can do anything I set my mind to by keeping my eye on the goal, not looking back and always looking up for guidance and support. Fear, what fear?
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