Decisions...

So, I've been a horrible blogger.  With the end of the school year and all that jazz, I've just been overwhelmed.  Plus, there really wasn't much to say.  You know, same ol same ol...

Today we had another appointment with a new reproductive specialist.  This is the one that our new OB/GYN recommended.  Ironically enough it's at the same office we started our journey, just a different doctor.  Anyway...We went to see him.  Explained our story.  He told us that IVF w/ ICSI he would say is still a possibility, but obviously he'd want another sperm analysis.  We were happy to hear that because that's what we were hoping for.

He didn't beat around the bush with us.  He was direct and we told him about pursuing adoption.  I asked him some questions about the embryo adoption protocol and I really liked what he had to say.  No injections.  He was kind, knowledgeable and honest.  I liked that.  He told us he wouldn't recommend us doing IVF w/ ICSI.  Just because of all the emotional and physical things that encompass that decision...Let alone the money.

When we left, Jess and I talked.  He asked where I stood.  I told him I wasn't interested in IVF w/ ICSI.  I know that others have done IVF and I am happy that it worked for many of the people.  I just don't see myself doing all that stuff.  The shots, the medicine, the pain.  I can't do it.  I would LOVE to have a biological child with Jesse, but I'm just not feeling like that is something I am willing to do.  Call me selfish...I have worked hard to try to rid my body of all the toxins the world exposes me to.  I just can't do it.

I told him I want to do embryo, but I'm so damn AFRAID!!!  I don't know what I'm afraid of though.  I'm just terrified to say, "yes, we can do this."  All of you that went through embryo, did you have this fear of saying yes? or is it just me?

I'm trying to find what it is I'm afraid of.  I think it could possibly be everything.  I've wanted this for so long, but what if I hate it.  What if I become one of those woman who complain about being pregnant?  What if I can't do it?  What if it doesn't happen?  I just have all these fears floating around in my head, but my gut is telling me, do it!  I've just got a lot of thinking to do...

What a Day!

Baptism was a HUGE day for us.  I was emotional beyond all get out.  It was an amazing day for us.  Many friends and family came.  I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it was.  I felt such a relief publicly declaring my love for God.  Here are some pictures from the day.

Big Step...Big Day!

Sorry that I've been out of the loop for a bit here.  Jesse and I have made a huge decision in the last couple weeks.  We have decided to get baptized...TODAY!

Our church does them once or twice a year.  Last year we had helped out and it was so inspiring.  There were people who had planned on doing it, but so many people felt the urge and did it spontaneously.  I knew Jesse was on the verge last year and asked him about it. We decided to do it and plan on doing it.  So we wrote our story, taped it and today's the day.  Here's the story that I will share with my church today:

My husband and I started trying to have a family a year after we were married.  We soon learned that this would be a difficult road for us.  Although I had gone to church all my life and believed in God, I began to grow bitter and stoppedgoing to church as a result of all the pain of the infertility.  I put my focus entirely and completely in finding a way to have a baby.  I began to realize that something was missing and began searching.  That was when we decided to check Kensington out.  I remember the first service we heard Dave do was about surrendering.  I felt that God was speaking to me.  It was my first church experience where I actually got something out of the sermon.  I have since realized that I am not complete and something is missing.  However, it’s not the baby that I long for that’s missing, it’s Jesus.  I know, today, that whatever happens in our lives is ultimately up to God.  I know my journey will not be a walk in the park.  There will be days that will hurt, there will be days that it will be hard to get through, but I know with all my heart and soul that God loves me and is with me.  I don’t know how our story will end, only He knows that.  I trust He has a plan for us and I surrender it all to Him.  

There's been some backlash from some of my family members because I'm not going to be "Catholic" anymore.  I really don't get it.  I'm, obviously, not one to get hung up on titles.  Yes, I don't go to a Catholic church anymore.  I'm sorry, I went for 29 years.  I felt like something was missing, began searching and found the church we currently go to.  In the past 2 1/2 years we have started going there we met people who have inspired us and helped us become closer to God.  I, now, have a relationship with God.  I read the Bible daily (well...I try to!  Most days I achieve this!) and I know Jesus and love him.  Isn't that all that matters?!

Jesus said following him would cause troubles in your life.  If my family can't accept that I don't see my religion as a Catholic, Lutheran, Protestant, whatever thing...I follow Jesus, I believe in God and I try to be the best person I can.  Today is about proclaiming this in front of everyone!  I'm so excited!!