Mar 18, 2009


So, I've been dying to put this post in, but I totally ruined the computer and lost Internet. So much for helping!! Thank goodness for my dad. He helped save the computer!!

We went to the new church again on Sunday. Again to the same inspiring message. This time they were talking about Surrendering to God. I know I have said before that it's all in God's hands, but secretly, behind the scenes, I was micromanaging every millisecond on our journey. I'm sure that's not good for us. But, I was scared. Let go? Leave it to God? Give up "control"?

Well listening to the message this week, I knew I was wrong, but admit it. Never. However, the message went on and the teaching pastor spoke of the same battle he had, and also the moment he decided to surrender to God. It was emotional, it was touching listening to this man spill his heart and soul out about his journey. The whole time he was talking, I was battling with myself to let go how I'm feeling about all the stress of infertility. At the end he asked people who honestly could and would surrender to the Lord to stand up and say a quiet prayer. I knew in my heart this was my moment. The moment I could release all the stress and burden that infertility brings. I still debated with myself knowing full well what I had to do, but at the same time, scared out of my mind to think about doing it.

I prayed in those short moments and told God I trusted him and that whatever journey he sees fit for Jesse and me to make it obvious and clear to us. I had tears in my eyes as I stood up and honestly let it go. I let it go. I can no longer bare the burden that infertility brings. I let it go. I'm letting God. I have to for myself, my husband and my future babies. In that moment I realized that agonizing over ovulation and timing sex and all of that is not what this is about. It's time to relax and just see where it goes.

This doesn't mean that I will sit back and not do anything. I obviously will do what I need to do, however, I am done worrying about it. I'm done agonizing over it. It's time to listen and just be. I've finally accepted the hand we've been dealt. Yes, it sucks, it honestly sucks, but I also feel like it's a badge of honor. God chose us. He knew we could handle it. It has brought us nothing but good things. The people we have met through this journey have been truly inspiring and some of the warmest and best people I have come across. So, again, I thank God for this. It's time to stop pitying myself and see that I am a strong woman and with God, nothing is impossible!


Stacey said...

Thank you for posting this! I think it is fantastic that you have given this burden over to God.

It is such a struggle for me to let go sometimes and I have to constantly work on not trying to take it back from Him.

Thanks for writing about your experience.

Christina said...

Michelle, I don't think I could do what you did. I really admire you!