Welcome Home!

What an amazing vacation we had in Myrtle Beach. The weather wasn't stellar, but it was much better than what we had at home! :) We did a lot of relaxing and just enjoying each other's company. On the way down, Jesse's partner called and asked if he could join us (my mom had an extra unit she tried getting rid of before we left.) We said we had room, so the more the merrier. They came down later in the week.

We talked a little bit on the way down and I had my assortment of adoption books I brought for the reading. I read one of them. It's not like I am totally against adoption, I just don't know how you EVER get over the wish, dream, hope that one day you will have your own biological baby. I told Jesse my concerns and said I just don't understand how adoption is much different than donor sperm. Although with donor sperm, I would still get the opportunity to be pregnant. He told me he wasn't totally against it, we just need to do research and figure out what's best for us. He also said, "you do realize we will only have one child." That struck like another shot through the heart. I know I shouldn't be selfish, damn, I'm only trying for one now and look at all the drama we entailed, but only one kid. That's something we'll obviously have to talk about further at a later date.

We had some good discussions and decided that either way; donor sperm or adoption, wouldn't be an option (what a poet am I?! :) ) until we paid off debts and saved some money. Looking like a year or so. I guess what I'm trying to say is we had a lot of good discussions, but still a lot of questions.

I also got an email back from my doctor and she said that Jesse's hernia operation concern held some merit. She sent us paperwork for Jess to get his hormones checked out and another referral for a urologist. Is it crazy that I'm hoping that something could be done with this??? What if we find out that his surgery is the cause of his infertility? What if they can fix it? See, I'm still left with a bazillion questions, but I know whatever happens, God will get us through. We'll see?!

Thanks guys for all your support. It truly means the world to me. I'm so blessed to have found each one of you and I couldn't imagine going through this without you!! Thanks!!!

Rough

Rough, that's what I'd call the last couple of days. As you know, Thursday was our result day at the RE. I was so optimistic and brought along a couple lucky charms: my grandpa's pinky ring that my Grandma gave me on our wedding and a charm that my friend's mom gave me (she had 7 kids). Much to my dismay, neither lucky charm worked. The results were heartbreaking.

Nothing changed. After acupuncture, nutrition doctors, diet changes, supplements, the list goes on and on. Nothing changed. I don't know if it got worse because the last RE was so nonchalant with everything, but they are pretty bad. In order to do IVF with ICSI, our RE suggests that we use donor sperm as a back up. I wanted to bust out in tears as she was speaking those words to me, but I remained "calm."


I love our new RE. She was so considerate and kind while relaying the message, yet also very factual. I cannot say that about our first one. I feel more armed and ready for what's to come. Even though I have no idea what's to come.

The ride home was horrible, the minute I got in the car I was sobbing and I don't think I stopped most of the day. My eyes hurt so bad Thursday night. I don't think I could've cried more. My heart was broken. It was like I was told you NEVER can do this. That was Thursday.

Friday was a new day and my stubbornness wouldn't let me give up. I got up early and jumped on the computer. I couldn't understand how nothing improved. Then I started putting pieces together. Jesse had a hernia operation right before we got engaged in 2001. I did some research on that and the information I found was that the procedure he had done is now thought to have an effect on fertility. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, that HAS to be it. That HAS to be the reason. I emailed my RE and asked her what she thought about this and also if Jess could get some blood work done to see if his hormones are functioning. I'll let you know what I find out!?

I'm not ever going to give up on the chance to have a baby of our own. I feel like this scene in Dumb and Dumber...



As long as there is something, I still have hope! I'm being realistic too. I know that our chances are small and I got 3 adoption books to take with me on vacation for us to read and start to figure things out. I am also at peace. I know that God has a plan for me and I just have to be open to it and listen. It's hard, but I know that together there is nothing Jesse and I can't get through.

Thanks for all your support and prayers, you guys are truly the best. I love you more than you know! Sorry for such a long post!! :) Have a great week, I don't know if I'll be checking this on vacay. Thanks again girls!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

Honesty is the best policy!

My friend Kelli is so sweet she gave me this Honest award. I am so touched that others are interested and truly care about what I'm going through along this hard journey. Thanks Kelli, I love you, thanks so much!

Here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:
1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself
**************************************************************
Honestly...

1. I am afraid of the dark.

2. I talk to my dogs as if they are people and will answer me?!

3. I pray for a healthy baby, but secretly would LOVE to have twins!

4. I am married to my best friend, soulmate and the person who understands me even when I don't understand myself!! I love you Babe!

5. I love watching reality tv, I'm trying to stop, but it's like a car accident, I just have to watch.

6. I read Tori Spelling's book STori Telling and I LOVED it, can't wait to read her other one.

7. I love the feeling you get after a good work out.

8. I am terribly afraid to do IVF, I'm afraid of needles, the money, the outcome, everything!!

9. I have a new respect for Britney Spears after she became a REAL person instead of the fake one she tried to be for so long.

10. One day I will be on Oprah, I love that woman!!
**********************************************************
Here is the list of blogs that I am awarding for their honest and truly inspiring posts:
1. Dana

2. Stacey

3. Dawn

4. Melissa

5. Hannah

6. Jules

7. Kami