Rough

Rough, that's what I'd call the last couple of days. As you know, Thursday was our result day at the RE. I was so optimistic and brought along a couple lucky charms: my grandpa's pinky ring that my Grandma gave me on our wedding and a charm that my friend's mom gave me (she had 7 kids). Much to my dismay, neither lucky charm worked. The results were heartbreaking.

Nothing changed. After acupuncture, nutrition doctors, diet changes, supplements, the list goes on and on. Nothing changed. I don't know if it got worse because the last RE was so nonchalant with everything, but they are pretty bad. In order to do IVF with ICSI, our RE suggests that we use donor sperm as a back up. I wanted to bust out in tears as she was speaking those words to me, but I remained "calm."


I love our new RE. She was so considerate and kind while relaying the message, yet also very factual. I cannot say that about our first one. I feel more armed and ready for what's to come. Even though I have no idea what's to come.

The ride home was horrible, the minute I got in the car I was sobbing and I don't think I stopped most of the day. My eyes hurt so bad Thursday night. I don't think I could've cried more. My heart was broken. It was like I was told you NEVER can do this. That was Thursday.

Friday was a new day and my stubbornness wouldn't let me give up. I got up early and jumped on the computer. I couldn't understand how nothing improved. Then I started putting pieces together. Jesse had a hernia operation right before we got engaged in 2001. I did some research on that and the information I found was that the procedure he had done is now thought to have an effect on fertility. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, that HAS to be it. That HAS to be the reason. I emailed my RE and asked her what she thought about this and also if Jess could get some blood work done to see if his hormones are functioning. I'll let you know what I find out!?

I'm not ever going to give up on the chance to have a baby of our own. I feel like this scene in Dumb and Dumber...



As long as there is something, I still have hope! I'm being realistic too. I know that our chances are small and I got 3 adoption books to take with me on vacation for us to read and start to figure things out. I am also at peace. I know that God has a plan for me and I just have to be open to it and listen. It's hard, but I know that together there is nothing Jesse and I can't get through.

Thanks for all your support and prayers, you guys are truly the best. I love you more than you know! Sorry for such a long post!! :) Have a great week, I don't know if I'll be checking this on vacay. Thanks again girls!!! I LOVE YOU!!!